Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

 
Natashia

Mom to Robbie 
Born still March 27, 2008

Canada
 

Robbie died on March 27, 2008. My baby died due to knot in his cord and placental abruption. Robbie died at 38 weeks gestation. My world crumbled down on me and our family. The worst feeling any Mother or Father should have to endure.

The pregnancy was no walk in the park, due to antibody issues but he was thriving and growing as he should be. With this issue, many ultrasounds visits, blood work had to done to check his titers to make sure his blood levels were stable. We were so looking forward to having our little boy. His siblings were so excited to meet him. My oldest son was so looking forward to having a baby brother because there were too many girls in the house. In early March the antibody levels were down and up and my husband and I begged the doctors to induce labor (this was in early March). I was very sick at the time. I was big and uncomfortable. I just wanted my son in my arms. Doctors said that they wanted to wait and have more for further checkups and blood work and they would go from there.
 

Easter weekend my family doctor put me on bed rest. I was retaining a lot of fluid in my face and legs. I was a mess. My husband was away on business and he had to leave. It was hard weekend. Easter morning I wasn’t feel up to par. I kept going as usual. I had a 2 year old and it was impossible to relax or stay still. It was Easter .I was more and more tried. Face and body was very swollen. Monday, I told my husband I felt weird. The baby was kicking as usual but not his sharp blows to ribs like he did! They were mild.

By Tuesday, I felt no kicks. I was talking to friend and I told her something wasn’t right.

Wednesday was my routine check-up with my family Doctor, she took her Doppler out and checked my belly for baby’s heart beat. 10 minutes go by, another 5. I began to worry. She was worried too but I know she was putting a brave face on for me. She told me to go straight to IWK and get checked out. She called ahead of time.
 

My husband and I and my 2 year was with us at the time.The ride to Halifax felt like eternity. We gets to the hospital and they put us in a small room . One doctor takes out the ultrasound machine from another room. As soon as she put the fetal Doppler on my stomach, and paused in silence for 3 seconds, I knew he died.

The doctor told me there was no heart beat. My husband didn’t hear her. He was holding our daughter, trying to settle her down. I screamed and tears poured down my face. My husband knew he was gone. From there, they began the inducing process. I was given medication due to high blood pressure. I found out I suffered from Preeclampsia. Preeclampsia, which almost took my life. They were worried I wouldn’t make it. The heavy doses of medication help bring my blood pressure down somewhat.

I don’t remember a lot but I know that I lost my son and I had to deliver my son. A lifeless body. A child we so wanted and were so excited to welcome to our home. I was induced at 6:00pm March 26th. I felt no pain during labour. I had so many wonderful doctors in my room. I think I counted six doctors and four nurses who took good care of me through all this.
 

I delivered my son 1:18, March 27. He weighed 7lbs 3oz. He looked like his daddy and sister. He had dark hair and chubby little face. All I could do was look and rock him because I knew this will be the last bonding moment I will have with him. We cried and cried. We had him blessed. After 30 minutes, we said our good- byes. It was hardiest and saddest moment in my whole life existences as mother.I wanted to keep him with me. I know some mother’s go home with many pictures that they had taken, I wish I did that. They gave me a beautiful memory box full .Clipping of his hair. Teddy he held. His foot prints were taken in gold glitter. His clothes.
 

We buried our son April 1, 2008. After the funeral, my hubby took my blood pressure. It was 210/110. My family doctor told Jeff to rush me to nearest hospital right way. They hooked me up EKG and monitor my heart rate. They were beginning to worry. They tried not to show it but I could read their minds so well. It didn’t look good. My heart rate dropped and dropped. They wanted me to move around in my bed. My husband rushed home to get my blood pressure meds. Doctors requested to transfer me back IWK by ambulance. There I stayed another 5 days monitored by nurses and doctors. My face I could not recognize because it was so swollen by the medication. I could only see a little. My blood pressure up and wouldn’t go down for 2 days and then they sent me to another floor.
 

After the seventh or eighth day I was able to leave. Leave without my baby. From there I had to rest and get well. It took a good two weeks to come around. Meds and appointments and blood pressure checks at home. The blood pressure machine my husband bought saved my life. Things changed and it took three months to get off the meds and my body to come around again. After three months, I held all the pain in. I cried and cried. I needed help.
 

My husband and I attended a support group at IWK. It so helped me get me release my saddest and anger I was feeling. I wasn’t alone. I met so many friends from the group that I wanted to do something for other families who lost their baby.
 

Three months gone by, a friend of mine, who I worked with and she lost her son, came up with a Facebook group “Halifax Walk to Remember”. Then another friend and another one joined together and we made Halifax Walk to remember possible with help from Spiritual Care team. Halifax was now first ever to have Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day on October 15th. A day to remember our babies, either through miscarriage, stillbirth, and neonatal loss. It was accepted by the government and now Halifax was Proclaimed, “October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. So proud we have this chance to do this for other grieving families. It was my mission, as well as my committee members to make this possible. It is so healing for me that the doors of silence are opened.
 

Our first annual walk to remember was a success. 240 attendees. So many stories and so many faces of hope and friendships. We all have a common bond. We have this day to remember are babies. This year, October 17th, 2010, we are having are 2nd Annual Walk to Remember. So far 75 registered and more are adding up. As a committee member, I hope my message will get out and help others to break the silence and join us. A day to Remember.
 

Natashia's website is http://www.walktorememberhfx.ca/

she can also be contacted at natashia@sbmtech.ca