Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Lauren

Mom to Bean, miscarried at 6 weeks, August 7, 2010

Sprout, miscarried at 9 weeks, 6 days, September 3, 2010

Naples, New York
 

It is so hard to know where to begin with our story. Right now it just seems like a mash-up of the greatest happiness and the most painful sadness my husband and I have ever experienced.

July 24, 2010 will forever be one of the happiest days of my life. My very first positive pregnancy test. I took 10 tests including 2 digitalis because I couldn’t believe my eyes and we were over the moon. The following week was amazing. I held my belly and talked to my little Bean, letting him know how excited and lucky we were to be blessed with him. I read everything I could possibly get my hands on and changed my eating habits so I could to have a happy healthy baby. I don’t know if I have ever seen my husband so excited about a baby. I knew of the possibility of complications because my mother had two losses but I was so naive and deep down I didn’t think that it would really happen to me.
 

The following week I began to spot with a dark brown blood. Everyone told me not to panic -that sometimes it happens in early pregnancy. My OB/GYN sent me to have my blood drawn to check my betas just to make sure everything was OK. When the results came back my levels were low and the nurse was very quiet.

She began to talk very slowly and calmly to me. She told me there was a chance I was miscarrying and that it was very common with a first time pregnancy. My next blood draw was still low and I was set up for a ultrasound the following week. I was completely heartbroken and devastated. I changed that day. I begged God to keep my baby safe and begged the baby to stay put telling him that we loved him more than anything and I needed him to be OK.

The spotting would turn a little heavier and a little more red everyday. My mother and co-worker kept reassuring me that everything was fine and that everything would be OK. I now know it was because they so desperately didn’t want me to experience what they had gone through. I spent my days chanting to myself “Everything is OK. Everything is fine. I am still pregnant today.”

Two weeks to the day after my positive pregnancy test I woke up to heavy cramping and could feel the dampness on my pad. I knew as soon as I woke what was happening. By some fluke the town fire alarm went off very soon after and woke my husband who came down to find me in the bathroom crying. We went to the local hospital where they confirmed that I had lost Bean. We had him for 6 weeks.

I was numb. I didn’t feel anything. I went through my days like a robot. Doctors kept telling me that most women at 6 weeks don’t even know that they are pregnant to which I wanted to scream “ I KNEW I WAS PREGNANT” I turned angry and bitter. My mother was there telling me that this wasn’t my fault and there wasn’t anything that I could have done. I understood but it didn’t make anything easier. I wanted my baby. I didn’t have him long enough. I wanted to be a mother so bad and it was taken away from me. My OB/GYN sent me for a blood draw a few days after the miscarriage and then requested another a few days later. When the 2nd came back, they contacted me to tell me that my betas were still going up and they need me to come in for an exam. I was sent up for an ultrasound the following day where they told me that there wasn’t enough tissue to do a D&C which means I was passing everything naturally. They thought that maybe there was just a small piece of tissue that was causing my betas to go up that should pass soon and then my bleeding would stop. I had 4 more blood draws in the matter of 2 weeks and they continued to rise very slowly.

Another doctor in my practice saw me again, removed a small piece of tissue and told me that he thought it was the problem. He said it would not be necessary for me to take a medication to abort any remaining tissue.

My bleeding never stopped and my betas continued to rise. I woke up 9/2/10 with abdominal pain and in a puddle of blood. I was brought in that day for an emergency ultrasound where they found a tennis ball size cyst on my ovary that had formed in the matter of 2 weeks . My Dr told me that right now it was stable but it was important to call him if the pain increased and sent me home. I never made it home that day. I pulled over on my way home with extreme pain and my Doctor sent me straight to the hospital for emergency surgery.

The rest is a bit of a blur. I thought I was going to have my cyst removed but when the nurses and doctors were prepping me they kept mentioning an ectopic pregnancy. I laid there thinking “No they are wrong. God wouldn‘t do this to me. This can‘t be happening” . They explained that they were removing the cyst but that it was believed that I was having an ectopic pregnancy and it was very important they check before my tube burst. I was terrified. Nurses reassured me by telling me that they were just looking for an ectopic pregnancy and it didn’t mean that there was one. My surgery went well. My husband was able to come in with me soon after . When I woke up my first question was “Did they find a baby?” He just shook his head yes. He didn’t have to say anything else. We loss Sprout at 9 weeks 6 days.

I lost a piece of myself that day that I don’t think I will ever get back. I now have scars on my heart and my body of the losses that I will never forget. I can’t understand why we had to lose 2 babies. Why I had to go through 7 weeks of pain and sadness and why the ultrasounds never saw Sprout. I am filled with guilt because I didn’t know Sprout was there. I never talked him or told him that we loved him very much. I am still at the beginning and have a long road ahead of me. I have to tell myself everyday that I am going to make it through and that my twin angels are looking over me everyday and don’t want me to cry for them. I still can’t help but feel broken.

There are positives to my story. I am able to conceive which is something that my doctors had questioned. They were able to save my ovary, my tube and my life. I also healed very quickly from the surgery and have the OK to try again once we are ready. The most important thing that I have learned is that I am not alone and there are so many women out there who have been through miscarriage and infant loss that are there to support you and give you hope. With the help of these wonderful women, my mother included, I will be able to slowly put the pieces back together.

Lauren can be contacted at laurenchristinewallace@gmail.com