After trying to concieve for 14 months we decided to start clomid. But first I had to confirm that we were indeed not pregnant. I took a home pregnancy test and set it on the counter in the bathroom before heading to the bedroom to get dressed for work that day. A few minutes later my husband Chris said, "honey, does a faint line count?" I pushed past him and grabbed the test in disbelief, we were pregnant all on our own. Thank the Lord, what a blessing. A few weeks later, still in my dream world of actually being pregnant, I began having some weird pains and was brought in for an early ultrasound where we found out we were having TWINS! I couldn't believe it, finally I understood why we had to wait so long, because we were going to be blessed with twins. I immediately knew they were identical and that they were boys. At about 16 weeks I began to feel flutters for a few short days and then suddenly they were gone. I didn't want to believe what I knew, that my miracle twins were no longer with us. We had our anatomy ultrasound scheduled for January 7th and couldn't wait to find out the sexes and begin planning the nursery and picking out names. But you know that this is not a happy ending. The ultrasound showed my worst fear, that there were no heartbeats. They were gone.
After the ultrasound on Thursday, Chris and I returned home with broken hearts. We began the process of realizing our dreams for these twins were in fact going to just stay dreams. We clung to one another, cried, and packed our bag for the hospital admission on Friday.
Friday, we had a doctor appointment with our Dr at our OB's office. The staff was so nice ushering us quickly to the back and I had a quick exam showing that my body was naturally realizing what was happening and was dilated 1 cm. Dr L informed us that it could be early Saturday morning or as late at Monday sometime for the babies to make their arrival. We began praying for a quick and painless birth. From the office, we went directly to the Hospital where I can say the staff was exceptionally wonderful and caring.
Walking into the hospital was very difficult; tears were streaming down my face as I began to realize I would not be walking out with our babies. We were almost immediately settled into our private room and met our sweet nurse. Soon after, I was given my first round of drugs to induce labor. After about an hour, I began to feel mild cramps, very similar to menstrual cramps. They said these were contractions, except mine were a constant pain and did not come in waves like I thought they would. My sister Sara brought us lunch and we hung out till my mom and other sister Robyn showed up. They helped the day go by faster. My Dad arrived and it was dinner time so they all left with a promise to bring Chris back some food. Later, our pastor and his wife stopped by to pray with us at the end of the day. It was nice to forget why we were there and just chat for a bit and then they said a sweet prayer for my health and our babies.
It was about 9:30 pm, when the cramping had become uncomfortable and I was nervous to have the second round of drugs without any pain medication. So, we spoke with our nurse about our options. The pain and exhaustion were overwhelming me and I was unable to make a decision between getting the epidural or the IV medication. Thankfully, I have a rock for a husband and he was able to make the decision to start the IV meds. These were great and gave us a moment of comic relief when the drugs hit my system and I laid back and said "this was a real good idea". Then I received the second round of inducing medication. The IV meds made me very droopy and sleepy so Chris took a sleeping pill and we were ready to settle in for the night, thinking we needed to get a good nights sleep.
About 3 hours later, I woke up because my lower back was really sore and the cramping was bothering me again thru the IV meds. It was too soon for another dosage and I decided I was ready for the epidural. The IV meds were still in my system and I feel helped with the stress and fear of getting the epidural. Within the hour we were settled back down to try and sleep again. I think I was able to get a few more hours of sleep when I awoke uncomfortable again. My nurse had mentioned that I could have a medication for itchiness if needed, so I called her to talk about that and the fact that I was uncomfortable.
She decided to check to see how far along we were; she could feel the first sac with Baby A. Immediately, my water broke and our tiny baby A was born at 4:30am. I could not look, I didn't want to become overwhelmed emotionally, but Chris standing at my side kept telling me how beautiful our baby was and how perfect. Our Dr was called and was there within 15 minutes. She checked me and we found out Baby B was descending. After a few timed pushes at 5:03 am Baby B was born even smaller than his older brother, but just as perfect and beautiful.
One of the major concerns my Dr. had about the whole delivery was delivering the placenta. She didn't want me to have to go into surgery to remove it, it would be better for my body if I could do it naturally. Thankfully, this was not the case as I was able to deliver the placenta without much assistance. Chris was so wonderful the whole time, stroking my head, telling me how great I was doing...how beautiful our babies were...how much he loved me. In this unfortunate situation, I feel that our babies entered this world the best way possible. They arrived into a room loved by their parents and surrounded by the most compassionate nurses and dr.
After the babies were cleaned up the nurses brought them to us, wrapped in blankets, and we were able to spend about an hour with them. We prayed for them, sung them songs, and told them all the things we had wanted to do for them and with them. We held them and in soft voices whispered to them that we were proud of them, that we loved them and we would see them one day in heaven. It was a special time for our little family of 4. It was difficult to give them back, knowing we would never see them again, but it had to happen at some point and my handsome husband with tears in his eyes handed his baby boys to the nurse to take away. Thus breaking my heart completely.
The rest of our hospital stay was a bit of a blur. I ate breakfast, my family arrived with Chris's breakfast, and we proceeded to tell this story for the first time. After a nap, I was told we could stay as long as we wanted or we could be discharged anytime. Chris and I wanted to get home and shower and figure out how to survive this and we are still working on that.
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