Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Kristen

Mom to Second Child lost to

first trimester miscarriage

Tennessee
 

My husband and I found out we were pregnant with our second child on July 24, 2010. We have a two year old daughter and had only recently decided to make her a big sister; I was ecstatic that we were able to get pregnant so soon. I had no complications whatsoever in my first pregnancy so of course my husband and I assumed we would be in for this same this time around. If only we knew then that it would be anything BUT.

It was late on August 7th when I was preparing to go to bed and noticed I was bleeding. Very lightly, but still, bleeding. I went and told my husband and we decided given the late hour, I would call the on call doctor in the morning if I was still bleeding. When I woke up the next morning the bleeding had gotten heavier, so I spoke with the on call doctor who advised me to rest and see him the next morning.

Monday, August 9th we went into the doctor. The bleeding had increased again but still not very heavy. The doctor ordered an ultrasound and I was thrilled to see my "lil' bean", heartbeat and all. I immediately felt so silly for being so worried that something was going wrong. He put me on pelvic rest and told me to come back in a week, and to call if anything changed.

That night I noticed the bleeding was starting to get heavier, I was experiencing some cramping as well now. But all along I stayed calm because I had seen my baby and knew everything was ok. I decided to try to go to work the next day, but when I woke up the bleeding had gotten MUCH heavier. I still decided to go on to work and dropped our daughter off at daycare. We had just started to tell people about the baby a few days earlier, so I allowed my daughter to wear her new t-shirt we had bought for her, it has a picture of a monkey and reads "This Little Monkey is going to be a Big Sister!" She was so excited about it. I just said a quick prayer that the t-shirt wasn't lying.

Every trip to the bathroom that morning worried me more and more; the bleeding was getting heavier and heavier and I had started to notice clots. I immediately put a call back into my doctor. The nurse called me back within 30 minutes and asked me how quickly I could get to their office...I called my husband and had him meet me there. I was a wreck. All my co-workers stared at me wondering why I was crying so uncontrollably (at this point most of them did not know I was pregnant, my boss did and was so incredibly understanding).

At the doctor he did a pelvic exam and I'll never forget what came out of his mouth: "There's a LOT of blood here." I could not stop crying. He said my cervix was slightly opened and he wanted another ultrasound; this time I had to be sent to the hospital. After getting there and going through all the paperwork I finally got my ultrasound and was relieved to see my lil' bean again, and heard a heartbeat.

I figured something else might be going on but at least the baby was ok. The ultrasound tech came back after showing my films to the radiologist and told me my doctor was on the phone and wanted to speak with me. His words were: "Kristen, I'm really sorry and hate to do this over the phone, but you're going to miscarry. The baby has no heartbeat." WHAT? No heartbeat?? But I just heard it 10 minutes ago....how could this be happening????? He told me to come to his office in the morning and they would set me up for a d&c the next day. When my husband and I got back to the car I broke down crying in his arms and didn't stop for most of the night.

I felt numb. I had heard my baby's heartbeat; what happened? Late that night as I was preparing to go to bed I experienced a lot of cramping and lower back pain, then felt something, so I rushed to the bathroom and found I had just passed my baby. I didn't understand...why? Why was this happening? I thought I had heard the heartbeat just hours earlier and now my baby was in my hands...

I had a D and C a few days later. My doctor explained that the heartbeat they had heard on the ultrasound was very weak and that my baby probably passed away shortly thereafter. We will never know what happened. My husband built a box for our baby to be laid to rest in, and as strange as it sounds, I have found that very comforting.

We hope that we will be able to conceive again soon so that our daughter can wear her t-shirt proudly.

Kristen can be contacted at ksmith17@bellsouth.net