Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Sara

Baby Toot lost in miscarriage 2005

Baby Tot lost in miscarriage 2006

Alexander Mckinney Hirschmugl

Born premature on September 23, 2007

Passed away January 21, 2008

Overland, Missouri

My first pregnancy came as a shock as my boyfriend and I weren't together but just over a month. I was scared what others would think. Though we knew each other a long time and were "just friends" we took it to the next level after running back into each other at a local park.

We both weren't ready,but decided the only option was to deal with it and I move out of a condemned apartment into his. I did not know who to tell or what to do. Although,his parents and family knew no one in mine did. I did not go see the doctor or start prenatals and after two stressful moves I started bleeding heavily. I knew right then we lost our little surprise I named "Toot" (I'm sure you all can figure out how I got the name, lol).

I took it hard and dealt with it alone. I blamed myself for not going to the doctor right away and I even though it was my "punishment" for not being married. Jeremy and I moved once again. This time into a home that was in better conditions. We thought about trying again, but instead took a vacation to my favorite place, Tennessee, just to deal with our loss and get away.

A month later, we found out I was expecting once again. I was excited and nervous. I took prenatals and was eating healthy. I told a few family members and ones reaction was judgmental and scared me from doing anything further.

About four weeks later I woke up and just had "that feeling" and once again, I saw the sight no pregnant woman wants to see...blood in my underwear. I knew Tot was gone. I sat on the couch and cried and went and woke Jeremy up to tell him. We drove to the hospital and the whole way there I kept praying "Please God let my baby be OK, not another miscarriage. I promise we will get married" (by then we were engaged, but saving up).

At the hospital it was confirmed. No heartbeat. As were were leaving a cheerful nurse said "Have a nice day!" Which stung even more. It just so happened my one family member (who was supportive) stopped by and did not know what had happened. She held me and cried with me on my couch. She then proceeded to be at my side when I told other family members as I was supposed to be on bed rest and expect to miscarry on my own. I ended up having a D&C that following week.

 

Loosing Tot was even harder all the more because others in the family wanted me to ignore that it happened, or that fact I was even pregnant at all. One even said "Its not like it was a baby, it was just a fetus." It made me continue to hide the fact this was the second loss. Until recently they found out, and I'm glad because I wanted to acknowledge ALL my pregnancies.

So fast forward about six months and I start a new job and am slowly going on. I started having those symptoms once again and found out baby number three was in my belly. I did things differently this time. I did not care what others thought. I was going to do what was right for me and most importantly my baby. I went right to the doctor, started prenatals, ate right, took it easy. Then my job became increasingly demanding and stressful. I worked for a doctor who was not very happy about my news and no matter how hard on me he was I kept saying I am not a quitter, although,that will become my biggest regret. Not knowing when to quit and know it was risking my baby's life. I had names for all of them and this lil guy was "Tater"

After a very heated meeting with the doctor I worked for I could not eat, I did not feel Tater move for two days. I called out and took it easy. I forced myself to eat, but it was hard. The following week I developed a migraine I never experienced. I threw up like I was the Exorcist, and I knew then something was wrong. With all the pregnancies I never threw up. Now being nauseous all the time, yes but throwing up I lucked out on. I called out once again even though I knew my job was on the line. I still had the migraine and now I had put on 20 pounds overnight.

Something was telling me to call the doctor. I immediately went in alone. By this time my husband was at work concerned. My doctor took one look at me,looked in the direction where my husband usually sat and saw an empty seat. I guess he did not want to alarm me as to what was really going on. He suggested I go directly to the hospital for fluids and observation. I was 24weeks gestation. Once I got there I was clued in to what was really happening. A word I never heard, Preeclampsia. The hospital immediately called my husband, and this time I had family supporting me.

I was taken by ambulance to the hospital that was connected to St.Louis Children's Hospital and told I was on bed rest the remainder of my hospital stay, but they did not see me making it full term. I was monitored very closely.Two days later,within an hour of still being "stable" I went into kidney failure and was loosing my eyesight from all the swelling that was now going to my brain. They said any longer I would have a seizure and or/stroke and most likely me and the baby would not survive.

I was immediately taken in for an emergency c-section. Alex was born not making a sound and weighing 1lb 10oz. I was able to touch his hand and tell him "Be Strong Mommy loves you" before he was rushed to the awaiting NICU. I got a call later that night..he was not expected to live through to the morning. I was hours away from being put on life support b/c the swelling continued and my organs were failing. I prayed to God "please make me strong so I can be there for my son, please let me see him once again." I was in and out of consciousness for two to three days and finally able to go see my son, who by the grace of God and the NICU RN's and Dr's survived, but was critical condition.

I was at his side everyday all day for two days shy of four months when we had to unwillingly let him go to be with God and the other Angel babies. They said Alex was in liver failure and all his other organs were following as well. He was bleeding eternally from everywhere due to being on TPN/lipids his whole life as he could not take anything by mouth and his lungs never developed.

I was devastated and I was in denial as to how sick he really was. Part of that is the mother in me I think. I guess it would've been too hard to be there and bond like I did had I known. I thank God I was blessed with that chance.

Five months after loosing Alex, on Mothers Day, I got another unexpected surprise a little "Tyke" was in my belly. I was finally labeled "high-risk" and monitored every month till I got to 24weeks and I was having some symptoms I had with Alex. I had a home RN check me weekly and got started on progesterone injections. This time I was working for a really great boss who was very supportive and understanding. I was allowed to rest, sleep in and show up whenever, and was on strict light duty. I believe an Angel brought her into our lives. I made it to 34weeks due to leaking amniotic fluid and low fetal movement. I was taken straight into another emergency c-section and Alex's little brother Braeton was born weighing 4lbs 5 oz and this time we heard a cry. He was having respiratory distress, but they allowed me to hold him a few min before they took him to the critical care unit. At that time my heart and blood pressure dropped and I was pale white. Doctors took three hours to get my heart rate back up from the 20's. I went to ICU and Braeton went on his first helicopter ride to Children's Hospital. He has had major multitude or surgeries.

Braeton is 21 months old and getting stronger everyday with his Guardian Angel brother looking out for him. Five months ago we almost lost Braeton to severe obstructive sleep apnea and thankfully we were at the hospital when they caught it and saved his life. They said had we gone home or had he gone into his heart surgery the next day, he would not be here, and all I can say is Thank you God, Children's Hospital of St.Louis and our Angel Alex.

I have suffered multiple losses, but it has made me stronger and given me a voice to want to help others..in honor of my Angels Toot,Tot and Alex. Mommy loves all of you!

Sara can be contacted at sarah-hcs@live.com