Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Angie

Mom to Aiden Kenneth

Stillborn August 13th, 2010

Huntington Beach, CA

On the morning of August 12^th I was getting ready for my second to last day of work before going on maternity leave. I went in that morning excited for my weekly doctor’s appointment that afternoon. At 37 weeks and 3 days pregnant, I was eager to learn if I had begun dilating at all. My husband, Kevin, had come to all of my appointments up until I started going weekly.

Earlier that week I had noticed a decline in Aiden’s movements. I wasn’t too worried about it because I had read that by this point of the pregnancy the baby has limited space to wiggle around. Plus, my pregnancy had been healthy and uneventful up until this point, so I didn’t think too much about it.

Once at my doctor’s office, the nurse began gathering the usual information, my weight and blood pressure, and now was the time for me to lie back and have Aiden’s heartbeat checked. His heartbeat had been excellent throughout my pregnancy, usually around 140 bmp. This time, though, the nurse was having a difficult time locating his pulse. After a few minutes, she went to get the doctor to see if he would be able to get it. He, too, was unsuccessful in finding Aiden’s heartbeat. He said he wanted me to have an ultrasound right away and then left to get the ultrasound tech. I sat in the exam, alone, confused, and terrified, for felt like hours. I had contemplated calling Kevin while he was at work, but didn’t because I didn’t know what to say. How could I tell him they were unable to find our son’s heartbeat? I was in such shock I didn’t even realize the possibility that Aiden could be dead.

Once the tech was done examining another woman, my doctor took me into have the exam. She seemed nervous as I began to lie down. After a minute or so, she looked at my doctor sympathetically, and my doctor said under his breath, “Oh my God.”

Hysterical, I yelled, “What does this mean?!” as I grabbed my doctor and sobbed into his chest. He walked me into the exam room I had previously been in and tearfully told me the nurse was calling Kevin and my mom to have them come get me. I was in such shock I couldn’t speak or move.

I initially felt shame and guilt. It would be hours before I could look anyone, even my husband, in the eye. I thought, my only job was to take care of this one baby and keep him safe, but I had failed.

Once they arrived, we went straight to the hospital so I could be induced. Within an hour my best friends and close family had arrived to be with me. The room I was admitted to was private and big enough for all 10 of them to stay with me. Shortly after being induced I received an epidural, so I was to feel no physical pain during my labor and delivery. My doctor tried breaking my water but he found that I had no amniotic fluid. There was no explanation for the water to be gone.

Around 2:00am I felt the urge to begin pushing. My nurse asked if I’d like to ask anyone in the room to leave until after our baby was born. I immediately said no. This was our baby and I needed the help and support of everyone to deliver him. My dad and brother-in-law sat near the door behind a sheet, but I heard them count along with the nurse as I pushed. With only 5 or 6 pushes, Aiden Kenneth Bailey was born at 2:43am, weighing 4 pounds 13 ounces, 20 inches long. He had a full head of red hair and was a spitting image of his father. Aiden’s silence was torture. I thought at any second maybe he’d begin to cry and everything would be okay. But he never did.

We spent the night with him, and a few hours later that morning before I was discharged. We held him and talked to him, and one of my nurses took pictures for us. We were also able to have professional photos taken by Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep foundation. I will forever hold these photos close to my heart.

Kevin and I love Aiden more than anything in the world. We hope to begin trying again in the next few months.

You can contact Angie at Angiemedic56@yahoo.com