Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Julie

Mom to Baby Simpson

June 18th, 2010

Cary, North Carolina

My husband and I were married on March 8, 2003.  We had talked about kids early on, but years passed and I was getting older, and we had just kind of decided on no kids.  We were enjoying our own time so much that time had kind of snuck up on us.  

In April 2010, my husband went to Las Vegas for a friend’s birthday.  I wasn’t supposed to go but unfortunately the hotel deal we had gotten was for me only and not transferable even to my husband.  It ended up being cheaper for me to go, even if it was a short trip.  It was on that trip that my little baby was conceived.  I remember thinking I was pregnant, but then I dismissed it and thought no way, I’m too old (36).  I took several pregnancy tests, really early, and they came back negative.  After I was a day late, I took another one and it said positive!!!  I was in the bathroom at work when I took so I just began sobbing.  I went back to my office and immediately called my doctor and got an emergency appointment for blood work to be done.  I went the next morning and got a call a couple hours later confirming I was pregnant!  

I decided not to tell my husband immediately due to a very important project at his job.  I remember telling my mom.  I said how would you like to be a grandma again (my brother already had a little girl).  She said what, your brother is having a baby?  I said no, me!  She was thrilled, lots of crying and concern due to my age.  That Sunday after I had found out, I told my husband.  I thought he was going to be upset, but he wasn’t at all.  It was going to be an adjustment, and he was nervous, but I knew things were going to be fine.  

We both went to the doctor’s appointment and saw our child’s heartbeat.  We couldn’t hear it yet, but my doctor said it was still early.  I was so nervous and excited!!  My mom nicknamed the baby “Gizmo,” since we didn’t know the sex yet.  I wanted a little boy, but I secretly felt it was a little girl.  My next doctor’s appointment was June 18, 2010, my mom was supposed to go with me to that one, but my grandma had been in the hospital and she had missed a lot of work, so I did not remind her of the appointment.  Since my mom was going, my husband wasn’t, so I ended up going by myself since I didn’t tell him she wasn’t going. 

I had previously told my mom that it had been a rough week on the message boards I was on, because there had been a lot of lost babies.  She said Julie don’t think like that.  I went into the doctor’s office and we discussed the tests that I needed to have due to my age.  After that, we got all set up for the ultrasound.  I had previously told the doctor that I wasn’t having morning sickness and that I was just a little queasy but no vomiting.  He said that was good.  I figured it was okay, since my mom didn’t have any.  We started the ultrasound and I saw my baby, he/she looked so much like a baby now!!  I could see the head and body!  How exciting!  Unfortunately, my excitement was short lived, the doctor looked at the nurse and I looked at her and she was crying.  My baby had stopped growing the week prior.  I remember saying, I knew this was going to happen, but I’ll be okay.  I kept saying that over and over.  Little did I know I was not going to be okay.  

I had to get a D&C scheduled and had it done the following Monday which was my mom’s birthday.  My husband and I were devastated.  I remember coming home on the 18th and throwing away all of the baby things that I had gotten from the doctor’s office.  I was screaming and crying.  I then went to my mom’s and spent the night with her.  Monday morning I had the D&C.  I was okay until after.  I guess I realized what was going on and it became real.  They were taking my child.  The doctor’s still don’t know the reason that I miscarried.  

I was due January 18, 2011 and now my child is in heaven.  It has been really hard on me, I have been very anxious and depressed and am taking medicine.  Everyday is a struggle and I don’t know how I am going to be feeling.  I miss my sweet baby so very much.  I’m just trying to take it day by day which is about all I can do right now.  It hurts so much.

Julie blogs at http://alwaysandforeverbabies.blogspot.com/