Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Tarri

Mom to Gracie Lynn 

July 2008

and Zechariah Jacob

October 2010

Stowe, Vermont

My husband and I were married in August of 2002. We wanted to start a family right away, so I never even started taking birth control. We ended up struggling with unexplained infertility for two years we finally became pregnant. Sadie was born in July 2005. We were elated! She was perfect and everything we had hoped for. When she was 10 months old, I discovered that I was pregnant with her sister, Evie. I was shocked that it had happened so fast this time. I guess our fertility issues had resolved themselves! Evie was born in February 2007. Another perfect pregnancy and another perfect little girl. 

In the summer of 2008, I unexpectedly became pregnant again, however, there were complications from the beginning, and my water actually broke. We lost our precious gift at 9 weeks. Because it was my first miscarriage, there was no testing done, no DNA test to tell us if we had lost a boy or a girl, no offer of cremation. I was naive and had no idea that I could ask for these things. They just did a D&C and sent me home with empty arms and and even emptier heart. I had always felt that she was a girl, so in my grieving process, we decided to name her Gracie Lynn.

In December of 2008 we became pregnant again. I was terrified, not knowing if I could face the heartbreak of losing another baby. Thankfully, my pregnancy was unremarkable, and my son Josiah was born in August 2009, 4 weeks early, but healthy. My husband and I were so thankful for what we had, 3 healthy children. We debated back and forth for quite a while. Should we "tempt fate", potentially put ourselves through unnecessary heartbreak? After many late night talks and prayers, we decided to try one more time, since the odds were on our side. 

So in July of 2010, we were cautiously optimistic when we got a positive pregnancy test. Around 11 weeks, we heard a heartbeat on the Doppler, and I was so excited, thinking we were past the most crucial time period. I went in alone for a routine ultrasound, my first, on October 12th. I was 13 weeks. I was so excited to see the little life that was growing inside of me. As soon as the tech put the wand on my belly, there he was. He looked perfect. But I immediately noticed a dark hole in his chest with no movement. I had had enough ultrasounds to know. I told the tech that there wasn't a heartbeat. She looked again, performed several test, and then confirmed my biggest fear. My heart broke. I was all alone and broken.
 

But this time I was prepared. I had done the research and knew the options available to me. I went right to my doctor and demanded that there would be chromosomal and DNA testing on this baby. I wanted to know what had happened, but most of all I wanted to know if they were my daughter or my son.
 

Two agonizing weeks later I got a phone call. They could find nothing wrong with the baby, he appeared to be a healthy baby boy. My son. We named him Zechariah which means, "May Jehovah remember."
I had to go back to the hospital to retrieve his ashes, barely enough to fill a thimble, yet they were an entire life. What might have been.
 

Now I live with the happiness of my three children who I hug and kiss everyday, but there were always be an empty place where a brother and a sister wrap their arms around my heart and keep it from falling apart. 

Tarri can be contacted at tarrihulme@yahoo.com