Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Lexie

Missed Miscarriage May 11th, 2009

Missed Miscarriage February 14th, 2011

British Columbia, Canada

In late March of 2009, my then fiance and I discovered we were expecting our first child together. For the last week I had thought that something was different, but I didn't want to give myself over to the thought of being pregnant until I could know for sure since my periods had a history of being late. After we found out we were both so excited and went to the doctor the next day. When we heard all of my blood work was fine we began to tell people. At this time my biggest worry was that my wedding dress would not fit when I was three and a half months pregnant.

Everything began to unravel for us when I went in for my dating ultrasound on May 11th. Having never been pregnant I was not sure what to expect, but I thought that seeing your baby was a sure thing. The tech was very quiet throughout and would not let my fiance in. She asked me to empty my bladder for an internal ultrasound, after which she asked me to just wait outside. Grasping for anything and confused, I asked for a picture of my baby. While we waited I talked to my mom and she asked me what the heartbeat was and I felt my heart drop, I never heard a heartbeat. I did not want to give up hope and began to sob when my fiances mom said "these things just happen you know, you can try again". After what seemed like an eternity the technician came out and handed me a picture of my baby and said that I should head to see my midwife. When I got there I was informed my baby had stopped growing at eight weeks and gave me my options of waiting, taking medication, or having a D and C. I began asking right away for a D and C, which she would not schedule saying I could expect to miscarry any day. I did not want to have a miscarriage, the thought of seeing what I percieved as pieces of my baby frightened me. I kept thinking that something had to be wrong, my baby looked so perfect, and I did not feel that I was miscarrying. I talked to my midwife and was able to get another ultrasound which confirmed my baby was gone. After two more weeks of being told to wait for my body, I went to my local emergency room begging for help. I could not go on carrying my baby inside of me anymore. The doctors were shocked that I had been carrying my baby like this for five weeks, and had me into a specialist the next day. The following day I had my first D and C.

After 3 weeks of heavy bleeding I had a follow up and it was discovered that not all of my pregnancy had been removed. The said they believed I had a bicornuate uterus and may not be able to have a viable pregnancy. Three days after our wedding, on my husbands birthday we spent our honey moon in the hospital as I had my second D and C.
 

During my recovery it was discovered that my uterus was fine, and just under a year later we welcomed our amazing son into out lives. We were so happy together, and to our surprise when he was almost eight months old we found out we were expecting again.
 

Right at four weeks I went to my doctor for a test, and he confirmed I was pregnant and ordered up my blood work. Everything came back fine and we had our first appointment with our maternity doctor. On February 11th I experianced a quick gush of blood. Scared, I had my husband take me to the hospital. I still felt safe thinking everything was fine, I felt more pregnant then I had ever felt with my son and was already showing. At the hospital the bleeding stopped and my blood worked showed I should be ten weeks pregnant not eight. They said everything was fine and they would book me an ultrasound as a precaution. I began half joking that we were having twins, but I knew it was true. That Valentines day it was confirmed I was having identical twins, who had stopped growing together after six weeks. My doctor did not want to confirm anything yet as my HCG was so high but I already knew, and a week later it was confirmed. I had my third D and C.
 

Two weeks after my surgery I noticed the same sypmtoms I had when my first D and C was incomplete. I had an ultrasound which confirmed my fears, and that night I began to pass huge clotts. I was admitted to the hospital with an intrauterine infection, and due to bed shortage I spent the night in the maternity ward before being moved to day surgery where I had my fourth D and C in two pregnancies.
 

I talked to the surgeon about the odds of what had happened. Missed abortions can happen, two are rare, and three is very rare. I was the only person who he had ever had to repeat a D and C for.

I do not know why my body does not misscarry as it should, but I know it is the worst pain I have ever known. When I know I am pregnant I am never alone, and I always feel so warm. My life revolves around my unborn child, and finding out that I've spent weeks loving my baby like it was alive weeks after it was passed is so hard. I've gone from feeling nothing but love to feeling so much loss. I feel so scared to get pregnant again, knowing that I can't even trust my hormone levels to tell me if my baby is ok, I am so frightened of having to go through this type of loss again.
 

I pray for the babies I lost, that they can feel how much love I have for them, even if I never got to hold them in my arms. I have faith and know that when the time is right, I will meet the angels I lost.