Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Jennifer

Mom to Avery Michael Davis

February 10th, 2010
And Multiple Miscarriages

Pasadena, Maryland

My story began about 5 years ago, my husband and I were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, Abby and in hopes to have another baby one day.  Our hopes were to have 3 children.  When my daughter was around 1, we found out I was pregnant.  We are overjoyed, happy, and excited.  Then on February 14th I had my 1st miscarriage at 8 weeks pregnant.  



I was overwhelmed with sadness, but hopeful for the future, it took me over a year to want to try again.  My husband and I tried again and I had a chemical pregnancy at 2 weeks, so we didn't let this upset us too much because I was told this happens to many women and they normally don't even know they were pregnant at the time and just think it's a period.  So deep breaths and we decided to try again, but this time my daughter was 4, and I was cherishing every moment with her.  I got pregnant again and everything seem to be going well, felt like I did with my daughter Abby, morning sickness, breast tenderness etc., and then on September 6 th, at 12 weeks pregnant, I went into the bathroom, (we had had a huge thunderstorm that night and the power was out), and felt funny and couldn't believe what I was seeing, this tiny baby in my hands, partially formed.  My husband and I in complete shock, I remember going out front in the pitch black darkness and crying my eyes out.  How could this be happening again?  I thought that was the worst thing that could ever happen to me, little did I know what was in store.  

My husband and I sat down and we decided to go see a fertility specialist.  I never forget going to my first appointment and how nervous we were.  We met with a doctor who wanted to perform all these different procedures on me, but I said one thing at a time and I am glad I did, because they found out what was wrong after taking 16 vials of blood from me.  I was diagnosed with 2 different blood clotting disorders and was told I would be able to carry another baby with the help of using Lovenox a daily injection into the stomach after I became pregnant.  So after 6 months of a lot of talking we decided to try again and on July 1st we conceived and I started the shots within 2 weeks, I knew I was pregnant that quick. The shots were incredibly painful, but I knew the end results and faithfully injected my belly once a day. The pregnancy was going quite well, and I was being seen by an OB and a high risk doctor because of the Lovenox and the history of miscarriages.  My daughter Abby attended all my doctors appointments as well as my husband and we got to see our son grow from the beginning. (we were told Lovenox was a miracle so I never imagined anything else could happen).  

Then on February 9th, my husband, my daughter and myself went to my high risk doctor for a "normal" visit, it was about a week and a 1/2  before I was to deliver.  Sitting in the waiting room, we were all talking about our son, Avery and how much fun we would be having, and how excited that in a week and half we would be holding him in our arms.  My daughter was overwhelmed with joy, she would get tears in her eyes talking about how she would help me change his diaper and feed him. We were in the waiting room for about 5 mins and called back.  As I was walking down the hallway I felt a bit funny, but didn't think much of it.  There in the examing room the tech started and I knew immediately he was gone.  There was no heartbeat,  I remember saying to her, so nonchalantly, is he dead? ( I now know I was in shock).  She wouldn't answer me and then the doctor came in and re-did the ultrasound and confirmed he was gone. I tried to hold it together because here beside me was my husband, my precious daughter , Abby and then on the screen the lifeless body of my son.  Within that 5 mins of sitting in the waiting room he had gotten tangled up in the cord and it was wrapped around his neck twice.  

The devastation upon us, there are no words.  I had made it this far with the help of Lovenox ,this just didn't make sense.  No-one told me about this.  On February 10th, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.  The doctors warned me he might not look like Abby did, and may be purple.  Avery wasn't, he was pink, just like a "normal" birth, just like Abby looked.  They couldn't explain why he looked so normal, other than that's how quickly it had happened.  Reflecting back, the hardest moment wasn't finding out he was gone or giving birth to him, the hardest moment was handing him to the nurse one last time knowing I would never see him again, physically.  

I don't believe that God took him from, I believe God was right by my side that day crying along with me.  I refuse to believe in a God that would cause that kind of pain to a mother or father.  I believe our bodies and earth are flawed and that terrible tragedies happen and that God helps me in my darkest hours to give me the strength to go on.  I know that my son is safe with him and that he is living in a perfect world.  

Because it was a cord accident, we decided to try again in August, I got pregnant right away, but my daughter was starting kindergarten and not having my son here I believed caused me to miscarry.  I think I was still too overwhelmed with grief and seeing Mom's dropping off their little ones to school with babies in their hands, was just to overwhelming.  

There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of Avery, and long for him.  I don't know how I get out of bed everyday, I know why I do, for my husband and my daughter.  However, when there are days I can barely function, I allow the tears to flow and I don't try to fight it, I allow myself to grieve and I also allow myself to be happy also. Sad, that I had to cremate a son, but elated I have my daughter.  I never thought in my journey of life I would have had to experience so many miscarriages and have a still born baby boy.   

I am thankful for Faces Of Loss, I believe in what you are doing and I have started a chapter in Maryland.  We are censored enough and our stories need to be told and need to be HEARD.   My husband and I have been married just shy of 20 years and we are closer than ever, I am glad this hasn't torn us apart.  We owe that to my daughter, for she is grieving as well and the last thing she needs is a broken family.  She is the love of our lives as well as our son.  Thank you, Love, Jennifer, Jimmy Abby, and remember Avery, Forever In Our Hearts.

You can contact Jennifer at dusty999@aol.com