Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Shelly

Missed Miscarriage

Pennsylvania

You know "they" say once you're pregnant your whole world changes, it's true, your whole world does change from the moment you see the two lines, a plus, or if using one of those digital tests "pregnant" in big bold letters. Our baby wasn't planned but we loved him/her from the moment we found out. Only to have all that hope and happiness thrown out.

 

So after I found out baby no longer had a heartbeat and had only made it to 8 weeks. I broke down. We broke down. How is that possible? I really didn't have cramps everyday, and I certainly wasn't bleeding. I prayed and prayed the tech made a mistake. I held on to a little peace of hope that she was wrong, maybe my dates were way off and baby was supposed to be 8 weeks.  I went to my midwife on December 28th, holding on to that little bit of hope-and I didn't even have to ask her to do a second ultrasound for me, she told me right away she would. Thanks for not making me seem so stupid midwife. Holding onto that little glimmer of hope, because my belly had seemed to be getting bigger still (oh yeah apparently that can happen even if your baby has passed-thanks for the false hope mother nature) she did an external ultrasound, and there was my baby. Finally I got to see our baby. One problem-baby was not moving, baby was still. And yet again broke down. Why was I expecting anything to be different? Maybe I shouldn't of read those stories on misdiagnosed miscarriages. But I'm glad I didn't have to sit there looking dumb asking for another ultrasound, that my midwife just knew what I wanted. We needed closure and we got it.

 

My options were still trying to wait it out naturally but not for much longer considering I'd been carrying our lifeless little one for weeks-and that risks infection. Option number 2, pills to induce me. Option 3, getting a D & C. If you don't know what that is google it. Anyhow, option number 3 was a big no for us. I couldn't imagine having our little one surgically removed it just seemed so inhumane. Option number 2 wasn't so bad, but I decided to wait it out a week, and if nothing happened I would get the script.

 

Ironically, and if you don't stomach things well, in case anyone actually does read this-even though I don't care if you do-just need to get feelings out-anyhow, ironically I started to bleed Tuesday night after I saw my midwife. I almost feel as if, it's like baby wanted us to have confirmation before anything started to happen and we really freaked out.

 

My midwife had told me, it'll just feel like a bad period cramp or that's what most girls described it as. She has had a miscarriage as well by the way. She also told me that if you had to change your pad more than once in an hour that was not normal, and to go to the er.

 

Yeah, bad period cramp, okay I can handle that. Besides the cramps I had been having at that point are less than what I would have with my period. Flash to the night before New Years Eve-laying in bed, getting cramps that were coming, than going, coming, going-I had to steady my breathing just to deal with the pain.

 

New Years Eve a.m-Had got my shower, and trying to blow dry my hair. Than the cramps hit worse, coming, and going, coming and going every couple of seconds, it got to the point where I couldn't even stand up to blow dry my hair-so I'm laying on the bathroom floor. I'll spare you the gory details. Let's just say it was equivalent to a murder scene.

 

New Years Eve afternoon-Felt a little better, but still in a good amount of pain, but I like to think I have a relatively high pain tolerance.

 

New Years Eve night-Yeah, thought the worst of it was over? Nope, I was wrong those cramps come back full force, worse than the a.m. Than they got quicker in succession, and I ended up in the ER. First time I've ever actually asked for pain meds. (see if you knew me well enough you know I refuse to take medicine until my absolute breaking point-because if you take tylenol every time your head hurts, when you get the really big headache, your body will be immune to it-at least that's my theory) Anyhow being in the er-and I'll spare you most of the gory details of that as well-let's just say it was traumatic.

 

I was finally with the ultrasound tech-some poor girl who was probably at a party-got called in to see me, a mess. She was listening to my heart with the ultrasound, and silly me-thinking well maybe there was 2 babies, and one is okay and just hiding. Funny what traumatizing things make you think.

 

I get back to my room, and am finally allowed to leave after signing some papers, and reading my diagnosis "Spontaneous miscarriage-all pregnancy tissue has appeared to of been passed". Ugh, so why didn't my body catch on sooner, instead of letting me think our little one was still alright? Sadly, we'll never know, it just happens sometimes. I believe it's 1 in 4 or 1 in 5 of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, that's a lot if you think about it. Thanks life, I didn't want to be that kind of statistic.

 

Oh, and those pains that I had were actual contractions, my body went into labor because my baby should of been 17 weeks at the time baby decided to come. Great, now I know what labor feels like-but I have nothing to show for it.(I guess I know I'll be requesting in epidural when the next hopefully healthy little one comes whenever that may be) You would never even know I was pregnant before-my bump is almost all gone, I don't have any ultrasound pics-just the one in my head. But what I do have, what we have is an angel watching over us with his/her Grandma.

 

In these past couple weeks, I've came to realize just like the moment you get your positive test, having a miscarriage changes your life as well.  (it wasn't just a miscarriage though, it was the loss of our baby-did you know that at 5 weeks babies in utero have heartbeats?)

 

And now I feel like I need to be a martyr of sorts-I want to help other girls who have gone through similar situations, because honestly, and my midwife said this to me, and I am forever grateful "It sucks, it really does". There shouldn't have to be a "secret society" of people who have gone through this. There's actually way more people than you think that have experienced it. It's like once it happens to you they start coming out of every nook and cranny. I've talked to some wonderful girls online who have been an amazing support system, we shouldn't have to go through this alone. So, I've decided I'm going to take our bad experience, and turn it into something good. Our baby wouldn't want mopey parents forever right?

 

So if anyone actually reads this besides me, though I doubt it-I'm asking you to do one random act of kindness for someone, whether it be a person you know or a stranger. Help the little old lady with her groceries. Hold open the door for someone. Tell whomever special in your life that you love them everyday. Because we really don't know what we have until it is gone. So cliche' but it is so very true.

 

We are getting a memorial tattoo for our little one, complete with halo, wings, baby feet and a quote from Winnie the Pooh-strange how a children's show sometimes has the best advice. Anyhow we are getting the tattoo to help us heal, and because we lost a baby, NOT just a "pile of cells".

 

Also, have been looking into getting pregnancy loss/miscarriage awareness jewelry. If it makes someone ask me, "oh what;s that" and I tell them, and I've helped or touched one person somehow, someway, the pain won't be so intense, we know that our little one would be proud of us for being able to share our story to help someone else.

 

And I'm looking for the most amazing card for my midwife, because she said the realest comment to me, and it has helped so much, because well, anybody going through any situation like this just, "sucks".

 

You can contact Shelly at joshnshel@yahoo.com