Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

LaTasha

Mommy to Jayelle Hope and Leigh'El Faith

December 24th, 2010

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

I was going for my anatomy appointment. I was soooo happy I was finding out what my babies were. I never thought in a million years they would say what they said. I NEVER KNEW ABOUT THIS. I was so upset that no one had ever told me this can happen. 

We were so happy that we were having two girls (well I was). I called my mom and put it on Fb while we were in the ultrasound room, and I don't know why I did that because deep down inside I knew something was wrong the vibe from the ultrasound technician wasn't right. We went into the doctor’s office, and he broke the news and was not empathetic at all. I had less than 1/2 inch of cervix left and my little girl HOPE was funneling through. At that point my world came crashing down. I couldn't believe this was happening to me, to us, to our families. My whole family and my partners family was so excited about our babies. Everyone cried when I told them I was pregnant. 

They admitted me to the hospital, because they thought I would deliver my girls that day (December 13th), but to everyone's surprise I didn’t. I just knew God was going to show this hospital a miracle. That night my doctor ordered the nurses to put me on the Togo to monitor my contractions, and medication to stop the contractions. I wasn’t really having contractions, just some uterine irritability. The nurse gave me two cups of water and I drank them really fast like she asked me to do and it stopped.  The very next morning my doctor came into the room and told me what actually was going on with me. He drew a picture to help me understand. He told me he was going to stitch me up, and I would go into surgery that afternoon. I felt some relief. He came back about an hour later, and he changed his mind after he read the report from maternal fetal medicine doctor. The stitch would be more dangerous and would most likely burst the water bag.  I was so scared and nervous I didn’t want to lose my babies. The doctor didn’t put any limitations on me getting out the bed, so I was up and down to pee every 10 to 15 minutes. I did this routine from December 13-14. On December 15^th I felt water (which was urine) when I woke up so I called for a nurse and house doctor came to check me. She did the exam and said I had no cervix left. My doctor came in and checked also, and said “Yup they're coming honey” I was instantly wheeled to labor and delivery. My world was falling apart I felt helpless. When we got to labor and delivery they set me up with the IV. I couldn’t believe I was about to give birth so soon. It was an absolute nightmare. I was determined to do everything to keep my babies in my belly. I had my mother help me get in trendelenburg position.  Then I developed a fever. The doctor prescribed me some medication, and told me if the fever continued he would have to induce my labor. I lay in that bed silently and did not say a word to anyone in the room. I prayed to God the entire time, not to save my babies but to have his “Will be done.”  About an hour later my doctor came back the fever was gone, and he checked my cervix and it had returned back to normal (well the little I had left). He then expressed to me that they brought me to labor and delivery because he felt Hope’s foot hanging out my cervix, and that’s why he was so sure I would deliver them that day. The nurse told me I wouldn’t make it past 9pm that night. From that point on I watched the clock, and the hours rolled on by. 9pm came and still no babies. I couldn’t believe it at that point I had so much Faith that my babies were going to make it (They were going to survive). I woke up the next morning with my babies still in my belly. I was relieved. I was rolled back to the maternity ward to wait for my 24 week mark to start my steroids to help my babies lungs grow stronger. 

From December 16^th until December 23^rd I lay in the trendelenburg position religiously and did not move. My mother stayed at the hospital with me and helped me use the bathroom on the bed pan the whole time.  Every day from the December 16^th my doctor came in my room and he was amazed that I didn’t go into labor yet.  The doctor only checked my cervix when he felt it was appropriate, because he didn’t want to infect the baby's water bag (FAILED).I don't know how she was infected but I had been open for awhile. On the morning of December 23^rd my doctor came into my room explained to me that he was going on vacation and he had no doubt in his mind that I wouldn’t be here when he got back ( I guess he spoke too soon). That afternoon I developed really bad diarrhea (this was from about 2pm-7pm) and I don't know why I had barely ate anything all day. I had been using the bed pan all day, but at the very end I couldn’t do it anymore. I told my mother I needed to use the potty she rolled the portable potty in, and I sat up and I felt so dizzy. I sat down and only a drop came out. All of a sudden I started vomiting everywhere it was like a river, but I barely ate all day. I didn’t understand where it was coming from.  My mom helped me shower put me back in the bed, and I felt much better. She ordered me some soup, and I ate two spoons full of soup and it started all over again. The last time I vomited in the bed in a little pan and it was green and watery I had never seen green watery vomit before. I felt wet in my bottom, and I felt down there and it was blood. I instantly became scared.  The nurse came in called the on call doctor he checked me and said my cervix had not changed but I was in labor because I was bleeding my heart fell out my chest at that point. I was also dehydrated so they started an IV. When she started the IV I felt so weak I really thought I was going to die. I couldn’t even make a fist for the nurse to put it in. I was sweating so badly, and I passed out. I woke up in Labor and Delivery. I still wasn’t having contractions, and I made it through the night. I just couldn’t stop thinking these babies were my little miracles. My doctor came off his vacation that day (Christmas Eve) to come see me. He checked me and said I was 8 centimeters dilated. I had no pain how could I be that far. He gave me medicine to relax me, because at this point I felt like dying I wanted to go with my babies. I couldn’t understand why God was taking them from me after all I thanked GOD every single day for my babies I never missed a beat I was so damn happy about my little ones. 

I made plans and on 12-24-10 my plans were interrupted by Gods plan.  I gave birth to Jayelle Hope at 4:31pm and Leigh’El Faith at 5:14pm at 22 weeks and two days gestational. That day my life was changed forever, and they took half of me with them. 

You can contact LaTasha at msvassor@gmail.com