Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Emily

Mom to

Avery Mae,

Trinity Noel

Langston Todd

Born Still on November 7, 2010

Milwaukee, Wisconsin
 

On November 6th I was watching Toy Story 3 with my friends Aaron and Nicole, I went the bathroom (as I frequently do) and noticed some strange discharge so I called the doctor she said if no cramps or bleeding it should be fine. I felt fine and had no issues. I woke up the next day with Sean around 3am, and something just didn't feel right, he had to go to work, so I didn't say anything, I waited until around 4am and called the emergency line again. I was in Labor and Deliver by 5am.

At this point I was alone, and terrified, Sean kept saying it'll all be OK and not to worry, but call him if I needed him. We did an ultrasound and discovered that my cervix was basically nonexistent it went from 3cm on Tuesday to 3.7mm Sunday morning I said so what does this mean what can we do? The plan was to put in a cerclage and keep in the hospital for a while, as long as I wasn't having contractions or have a high white blood cell count we were good to go. I called Sean and told him it was time for him to come. He showed up in full uniform and stayed that way for the rest of the night. Well turns out my white blood cell count was a little high, so the doctor had the resident check my cervix, and watch me so we could make a good decision on whether or not to put in the cerclage.

The resident checked me and I was already at 4cm dilated. The machine wasn't picking up my contractions, and I just thought I was constipated I said what do we do now? They said sometimes you can stay dilated and nothing happens but for your discomfort you can have an epidural. Well before the epidural could come my water broke, within 10 minutes I felt the urge to push I didn't want to push, I knew it would be my sweet baby girl Avery if I pushed, and if I pushed it would mean her death. Nature and my body had other plans and out she came as I screamed her name and screamed for her to live. They handed her straight to me, and I remember her little hand grabbing my pinky finger, she never made a sound, her eyes didn't open, but her mouth was open and she was breathing, and her heart was beating. I told her I loved her and held her close, as they clamped the cord as close to me as possible. The next plan was, try to see if the others will stay and and keep them in for 4 weeks. 7 minutes later, with Avery clinging to life in my hands, I had the urge to push again, I tried to fight it but I couldn't and out came Trinity and Langston, neither one made a sound, nor could they open their eyes. But I promise you these were the most beautiful babies every to be born. Avery and Trinity were darker skinned like me, Langston was white like his daddy. Avery and Trinity weighed more than Langston and seemed to be stronger like the their mommy. Langston was tall and lean like his uncle Sebastian and grandfather. Sean and I held them and I sang to them, I called them each by name and begged God not to take them from me. The doctors stood nearby looking helplessly at us, trying to stop the bleeding and make sure I was going to be physically OK. We were together as a family of 5 with all 3 of them alive, for about 15 minutes.

I had no pain medication, I had nothing to take the edge off. I was fully dilated when I gave live birth to my 3 angels at 20 weeks. I wish you could have seen how beautiful they were. I cleaned my babies, Sean and I dressed them together, and we wrapped them in a blanket all together to get ready for visitors. Both of our families were there and we each got to hold the babies taking turns, saying who looks like who more. 

 

Snuggling, kissing, singing to them. It didn't matter that they weren't with us anymore. I held them most of the day and night when other people held them it made me nervous that they might somehow break them. I was protective of them. I felt like as long as they were by my side nothing could hurt them. They didn't leave my side until I left the hospital this morning.

  

Emily blogs at: http://mrsrsuperstar.blogspot.com/

and can be contacted at: mrsraclaw@gmail.com