Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Molly

Mother to Audrina Capri Williams

Born on June 23rd, 2010 and grew her wings an hour later

Edmund, OK

The past few months have been more than a crazy roller coaster ride. There are no words to express the pain/joy/hurt/happiness I have been through. I guess I am ready to share my story and I hope to bring others hope and peace. Losing a baby is one of the most devastating things any mother can go through. From the time that you see that test that says positive, you are a mother. But, my story is a little different...

On January 25, 2010 I picked up my first pregnancy test. Scared.out.of.my.mind. I kept telling myself there is no way, nooo way. Right? Well, hmm... maybe I am. So I sucked it up took the test and....

?!?!? What?... What is that? How many lines are there supposed to be? Okay, well it is not like there are actually two lines, the second one isn't really there... right? RIGHT?!

Immediately I called my boyfriend at the time and made him go get another box of tests. And I specifically said to get the "good" ones so we would know for sure!

So, here we go again. Test #2... What is that? That line isn't really there, is it?

 Test #3... What? WHAT? Are these things all broken?

Test #4... Okay, seriously? What is wrong with these tests?! None of them work!

 Dreadful test #5... Oh, Sh*t. I think I am pregnant... I think. Wait, what? I am going to have a BABY???

OMG. Mom is going to kill me. What am I going to do? This can't be right. Welllllll, I guess I do love kids :) Hey, it would not be that bad. This is a gift from God. OMG. But, wait. what am I really going to do? This is a mess! I don't even know if I am really pregnant.

Before losing it and going crazy, I skyped Mallory to have her look at my possibly positive pregnancy test.

Immediately she told me that they were positive...

 Ohhh, great. This might really be happening.

"Mom, will you come here please."

 
haha

Mom- "What? Molly, what? Molly, damn it. Are you pregnant? What was the one thing I have asked you? Are you sure? Well, I guess we will have to figure it out."

Don't get me wrong and think that I was not happy or that my mom was not happy. But, being 21 and trying to get into nursing school is not the best time to start a family. Not to mention being in an abusive relationship with a drug addict. (Not necessarily the life I had expected).

January 27, 2010 Pregnancy confirmed by doctor. 5 weeks and 6 days.

Ohhhhh, fudge. Ohhhh, fudge.

Wait, a baby is inside of me? Growing? Like, a real baby? Is this a joke?

Now, I am getting excited. This is going to be fun! A BABY! A BABY! A BABY!!!!! I hope it is a girl. No, I want a boy. But, it would be so much fun to have a girl. Well... a boy would be fun too. Ok, fine. I will take a HEALTHY baby. That's all I ask. Just a happy and healthy baby.

 I guess I didn't have food poisoning afterall...

If only I knew what road was ahead of me.

 3AM. OMG. I don't feel good. So, this is what "morning sickness" feels like.

12 PM, 6AM, 5:37 PM, 2:09 AM-- It all feels the same. There is no such thing as morning sickness. It is miserable for 12 weeks straight. Actually, I don't think 'miserable' covers it. I lived in the bathroom and couldn't even keep down crackers. So, if someone tells you to eat crackers and you will feel better, they are lying. Trust me. Those crackers will come right back up.

February 21, 2010-- Dehydrated beyond belief because of this terrible, terrible morning sickness. The best part was waiting in the ER waiting room for 8 billion hours. Then when they finally called my name the nurse looked terrified. I was like what the heck is wrong with this lady. Then, she whispered to the other nurse and shook her head 'yes' and replied it was p-p-positive. And, me being the loud mouth that I am chimed in, "What? My pregnancy test is positive?". They looked at me like, heehahh?????? haha They were terrified to tell me because they thought I had no idea! Apparently, they didn't get the memo when I wrote it on the check-in sheet.

Anyway, this was the first time I saw a little flickering light on the ultrasound screen. It was the cutest little flicker. I fell in love with a FLICKER. I fell in love. Real love. True love. It was a love that I had never felt before... and it was a FLICKER. But, it was so cute. It looked so precious. My eyes filled up with tears because I couldn't believe that magical thing was inside of me. I was so proud. That was the first moment that I felt like everything was going to be okay. I knew it would be okay. I knew there was no struggle or mountain that would get in the way. Any pain that I had to go through would be so worth it. Any war that I had to fight, would be worth it. I would do anything, ANYTHING, no matter the cost/pain/hurt, because I knew my baby needed me. I knew I needed that little flicker that was on that screen.

March 15, 2010-- Heard the heartbeat for the first time. The sound of that perfect little thump, thump, thump, was like music to my ears. I fell deeper in love with my little mango. But, once the ultrasound screen turned on and I saw that perfect little angel growing inside of me, I couldn't control myself. Some may say it was because my hormones were all crazy, but I disagree. I had never felt a love like this before and my emotions were so overwhelming. I remember Dr. Melendez looking at me with a worried look, and then asked, "Are you okay?". haha! I was like of course I am okay! Look at that perfect angel! I think this might have been the beginning of Dr. Melendez thinking I was a little cooky/crazy. But, thats okay. I will take it. I have heard love makes you crazy. And although I haven't found "love" that has made me crazy through a significant other, I found that crazy love through my daughter... or, I guess at the time "it".

So, I left the doctor that day with the biggest smile on my face. My cheeks hurt so bad when I got home. I went to my first doctors appointment by myself, because on the way my "boyfriend at the time" decided to fight with me the whole.way.there. Since I wanted it to be a happy day, I turned my little happy ass around in the parking lot and took him alllll the way back home and said BYE, BYE! I am going to the doctor to hear the heartbeat and see my perfect little angel without you! I think that was finally the turning point for me when I realized I didn't need him and neither did my baby. I had all I needed growing peacefully inside! But, the childish little girl inside of me crawled back to him, hoping it would be different this time. Boyyyy was I wrong! haha! But, I am sure we will get back to that later...

April 12, 2010-- Appointment for bloodwork. Nothing exciting happened that day, but the NEXT time I would be back in that room, I would hear the sex of my baby. I was so excited I felt like I couldn't sleep for weeks! I wanted to know if I was going to have my dreams of having a little diva princess come true, or if I was going to have a little Pro football player! I, of course, would take either, but above EVERYTHING in the world I wanted one thing. All I asked for was ONE thing. And that was a healthy baby.

May 3, 2010-- The big ultrasound!!!!!!!

Never have I been so excited for anything in my whole entire life. This was the day that my life was going to change. I could finally go shopping for my little mango! I was so, so excited.

So, I checked in and impatiently waited for my name to be called. The ultrasound tech comes out and says the one ultrasound machine is broken, but I can still find out the sex. ((Thank the lord, I would not have been able to wait one more second!)).

I follow her back to the dark room and lay down. It was so cold and dark in the room, but I knew within minutes I would be so happy I wouldn't care if it was snowing inside. I pull up my shirt to reveal my little bump that had everyone questioning if I was pregnant or fat. Then she squirted me with COLD gel. Freezing cold gel. I looked over and saw my little angel on the screen and I was overwhelmed with emotions.
She looked at me and said, "You are having a baby girl."

OMG, OMG, OMG!

A baby GIRL! A girl. I am having a baby girl!

This lady thought I was crazy! I was so excited. I wanted to jump up off that bed and go buy the first pink thing that I saw.

She looked at the screen for awhile and everything kind of turned into a blur to me. She never said anything. Nothing. Not, a congrads, or something might be wrong, nothing. She just left the freaking room. So, here I am laying in this dark room all by myself and the second she walked out, I grabbed my face with both of my hands and silently screamed with excitement.

The next thing I know Ryan walks in and I burst into tears and tell him, "We are having a baby girl!!!!". Well, someone wasn't very happy! Surprise, surprise! I didn't wait for him to find out the sex, but really I didn't care and I didn't feel guilty. He wasn't there when I was in the hospital and saw the heartbeat for the first time. He wasn't there when I heard the heartbeat for the first time and saw the profile. So, why the heck would he want to be there now???

Regardless of what Ryan was feeling, I was estatic. I was so excited. Nothing could bring me down at this moment.

But then I started thinking it was kind of strange the way the ultrasound tech left... Hmm. Is something wrong?
No. Are you kidding Molly? Nothing is wrong. That lady is just awkward. Ok, ok. Everything is fine. OMG. I am having a girl!!!!

My mind started racing a million miles a minute! I had so much to do and so much to get done before little one was here! I needed a name, I needed clothes, diapers, toys, bottles, wipes. Oh, no. I have so much to get. How am I going to do all of this?

Pshhh, who cares. I will worry later, because I AM HAVING A GIRL!!!!!

Dr. Melendez walks in and I scream, "I am having a girl!!! OMG, did you see her? She is so cute! She is so perfect! Can you believe this??? I am having a GIRL, Dr.Melendez, a GIRL!!!!".

Well, unfortunately, he wasn't so excited. He was like ummm. well. uh. Molly. Um. So. uh.
Come on dude. What's the deal? Am I having twins or something? Why are you acting so weird?

"Molly, your baby isn't perfect."

Yes she is. Did you not see her? She is so perfect. I have never seen something so perfect in my whole life.
"No, Molly. She isn't perfect. She may look perfect, but there may be some other problems."

I am not so sure what happened after this...

All I remember is not being able to stand up. I felt like my world had ended. But, then I looked at my ultrasound pictures one more time and I had convinced myself that the doctors were wrong. I had a little bit of happiness left in me. I got to my car. Turned it on. Called my mom.

All of the sudden my happiness was gone again.

"Mom, there is something wrong with my baby."

Turns out, baby had a cystic hygroma, fluid in her kidneys, blah, blah, blah.

I don't remember driving home. I just remember arriving at my house and parking on the opposite side of the street. I opened my door, let one leg hang out, but I couldn't get out of the car. This is a bad dream. This can't be happening. I grabbed my steering wheel and threw my head down and screamed. I have never felt anything like this. It was the most painful experience. I felt like a someone shoved a gun down my throat and tried pulling it out of my chest.

I was so emotionally distraught, I was physically in pain.

I remember my sister and my nephews coming over. But, I couldn't react to anything. I just sat there. I was just sitting in the study. I felt like I was watching my life through a TV screen. Nothing felt real.
I opened my laptop and typed in the dreadful words, "cystic hygroma".

Around this time my other sister got home from work, hugged me, and cried with me. Everyone was crying. I didn't know what to do.

We continued researching cystic hygromas. But, none of the information sunk in. It was just words on the screen. None of it made any sense. All I wanted to see or hear was that it would all be okay.
But, that was never stated anywhere.

May 5, 2010-- My first appointment in Dr. Stanley's office.

Once again, I was impatiently waiting for my name to be called. I had to wait forever and a day, because they had to squeeze me in, instead of me having an appointment set up weeks before.

So, I wait and wait...

Still waiting...

Are you serious? Did they forget about me?

I sat in the waiting room with my mom, my two sisters, Ryan, and his dad. I felt so sick. I thought I was getting ready to have another "morning sickness" attack.

Finally, it was my turn to go back. I walk in to a super nice room. There was a huge flat screen on the wall in front of me, beside me was a high tech ultrasound machine. I was so tempted to squirt my belly with gel and find out how to work that stupid machine all by myself. haha I literally sat there and debated it many, many times. But, before I knew it, another ultrasound tech walked in.

Alright, lets get started.

Suddenly I wanted a little bit more time. I didn't want to find out anything. I just wanted to sit there. Just me and my belly. I didn't want anyone around me. I just wanted it to be me and baby.

But, I swallowed my pride, pulled up my shirt, and waited for the dreadful freezing cold gel.

Squuuuuirt. All over my belly.

Hey, this feels nice. It is all nice and warm! Why didn't I come here in the first place. haha

"Here is your baby"...

Once again my eyes filled up with tears. She looked so perfect. Just like she did every other time I saw her on that dark screen.

The tech went through all of the measurements, but didn't say much, except the usual... here is her arm, her little piggys, her little chicken legs... and so on.

She got a towel and threw it over my belly and walked out.

I was so terrified at this moment. I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know if the other lady was an idiot and made a mistake. ((Which I continued to pray for.))

I just sat there with both of my hands on my belly and tried to hold on to my baby the best that I could.

"Hi Molly, I am Dr. Stanley."

Yeah, yeah. What's the news? Sorry, not trying to be rude, but come on. I want to hear you tell me that everything is okay.

Obviously, it was never his intentions to tell me everything was okay. Because, unfortunately, the last ultrasound tech was right. Baby wasn't "perfect". Well, not perfect in the doctor's eyes, but in my eyes she was the most perfect little thing.

Dr. Stanley told me to go ahead, get cleaned up, get dressed, and we will go into my office to talk about "options".

Options? What does that even mean?

At this point I was crying uncontrollably. I got dressed and walked into another cold, miserable room.
There was a little round table with 4 chairs. I sat down in between my sister and my mom. I remember looking at my mom and asking her what to do. I so badly wanted her to make all of the pain to go away. I was like a little girl again. I needed my mom and I looked for her for advice and for once in my life, I was willing to actually do what she told me to. But, mom wouldn't make any decisions for me. She knew this was my baby and I would have to look deep down inside of my heart and decide what I wanted.

Dr. Stanley came into the room, sat down, and told me that everything was confirmed on the ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was right. Baby wasn't perfect, but she was imperfectly perfect. So, he explained what everything meant and gave me options. Every option he gave me he sugar coated. "We can terminate the pregnancy now. We can take more tests. Or we can just hang on and see what happens."

Umm, excuse me. No, I will not terminate my pregnancy. God gave me this baby for a reason and I know that no matter what happens God will take care of it.

I decided to do the amnio. Holy cow. If only I knew what I was getting myself into. They started rubbing my belly with COLD stuff. :( boo. I thought this would be warm.

And then a needle the size of my leg was injected into my stomach.

It was so gross. They just stuck it right in, to the side of my belly button . It felt like hours were passing by. Amniotic fluid does not necessarily pour out like blood. It...takes...forrrr..eee...vvv..eee..rrr. seriously.

Forever.

"Ok we are done!"

Geez, it is about time! I got cleaned up once again and exit through the "private" exit. At this point I was still hysterically crying and they didn't want me to scare off all of the pregnant ladies in the waiting room. haha
The next day, May 6, 2010-- I went to school and waited for the genetics counselor to call me with my results from my amnio.

Finally, my phone rang. My heart was POUNDING. I felt like I couldn't hear anything because my darn heart was beating so loud and fast!

"Molly, this is so and so, blah, blah, blah... all of your test came back normal... blah, blah, blah."

Ok, thank you, bye! haha I didn't need/want to hear anything else.

My tests are normal, my tests are normal!!! I was so excited. God had answered all of my prayers, or so I thought. I figured that since my tests came back normal that everything was going to be okay. I guess this is why you are not supposed to assume, because in the end I made an ass out of u--me. ((You being the doctors)) haha

May 10, 2010-- Doctor's appointment with Dr. Melendez. Heard that strong little heartbeat :)

May 17, 2010-- Dr. Stanley's office. 4d ultrasound. Everything looks the same and things are not "expected" to change.

Yay! I can finally be happy again! Everything will be dealt with after birth and eventually I will have a happy/ healthy baby girl.

May 24, 2010-- Dr. Melendez's office. Everytime I went to the doctor it would take forever for them to find the heartbeat because baby was just like her momma, high strung! haha I hate sitting still, and obviously so did Audrina.

June 7, 2010-- It's my birthday! I am finally 22! This is going to be a good day! I know it is! I am 22, I get to see my baby through another 4d ultrasound, and I get to hear that little thump, thump, thump. :)

Worst..news..ever...

The fluid in her kidneys had increased, there was fluid around her right lung, and nothing had changed with the cystic hygroma.

Darn it. Today was supposed to be a happy day. But, I am scared to be happy because I don't know if baby is okay. I won't be okay or happy until I know baby is okay.

From that day on I waited to feel every little kick. I didn't sleep because I did not want to miss one kick. I was prescribed ambien to help me sleep, but I fought that medicine as hard as I possibly could. There was no way I was going to sleep. No way. I didn't want to miss a thing.

June 14, 2010-- Dr. Stanley's office. Another 4d ultrasound. Unfortunately, no good news. Her little heartbeat was a strong 129, but the fluid in her kidneys had increased and now there was fluid around both lungs.

After weeks of having ultrasounds I started picking up on what everything was supposed to look like, or what it looked like compared to the week before.

And I have to admit, I was obsessed with watching the ultrasounds. During the appointment they would record everything and then give it to me. I loved going back and looking at everything, Since it was a 4d ultrasound I was able to see what she really looked like. It felt so good to be able to see her perfect little face and her huge feet!

I remember seeing her kidneys and it looked drastically different. Both kidneys had fluid in them, but one was significantly larger than the other.

I almost sh*t myself when I saw it. I didn't know what to do or how to react, and neither did the ultrasound tech. I immediately started asking a billion questions.

Wait. What was that? Did you see that? Weren't those her kidneys? Did you see that one? Did you see it? That is not okay. Why is there so much more fluid in there now?

I could have asked 6 billion questions, but the tech didn't seem to have any answers except, "Yeah those were her kidneys."

Oh, thanks captain obvious. I already picked up on that. What I don't understand is how much has the fluid increased since last week?

You can speak to Dr. Stanley about that when he comes in.

Needless to say, I am a little bitter towards some ultrasound techs. I know NONE of this is their fault, but it kills me to hear bad news continually. I even told Dr. Stanley and Dr. Melendez that I wasn't a fan of either of them. haha They were both amazing doctors and I would never have picked anyone else to take care of me and Audrina, but they always gave me bad news!

I was like come on guys, just give me good news... just once.

They both desperately wanted to tell me good news, but I guess there was no good news to share.

June 16, 2010-- What the heck is that?

Omg. Is Audrina doing flips in there? Dear God child, you are killing momma!! Did my stomach transform into some crazy rock???

I guess this is what they call "contractions".

I am not sure that is the term I would use. It is more of baby trying to jump out of your stomach. Or, maybe it is more of horrible cramps, just with a huge belly.

So, I end up in the hospital. I had a super sweet nurse, but she was not the most gentle nurse.

She performed a few tests on me and almost killed me. No joke. I won't go into full detail just for the sake of any boy readers! haha :)

I am trying to come up with a way to explain this that won't make anyone throw up, but still get the point across...

Ok, let's just put it this way, she checked me.

That is all I am going to say.

Oh, and she took my v-card.

Sorry, is that inappropriate?

Too bad, it is the truth and I am not holding anything back in this blog! ((minus a few things!))

No one told me about all of the little things that come along with pregnancy. It is definitely not as glamorous as I expected it to be.

Seriously, I thought getting pregnant just meant I was going to get fat, eat a sh*t ton of food, and be fat for the rest of my life and use the excuse, "I had a baby."

Don't let anyone lie to you. There is so much more to pregnancy. Stuff that should never happen to your body, happens. And stuff that doctors shouldn't do, do. And questions no one should ask, doctors ask.
Being pregnant has made me realize how conservative I really am. There were some questions that they would ask me in the hospital and I would be like Dear Lord, are you even allowed to say that?

I tend to be pretty immature at times and I couldn't help but laugh at half of the repulsive questions they would ask me.

So, nonetheless, I left the hospital that night, feeling like I had been violated and felt extremely dirty for the questions that I had to answer.

But, my new favorite nurse wasn't going to let me go home without a little bit more pain. I got a shot in my "bottom" that sent a shooting pain all the way down my leg. Nothing could have prepared me for this. I thought the needle for the amnio was big, but this needle was way bigger!

Ok. So I can usually do okay with shots. But, I am pretty sure this lady stepped back to the wall and threw the shot at my a$$ like a freaking dart board. No joke. I wish I was kidding, but I'm not. Well, bullseye lady!!! You hit me good! Good enough to make me walk with a little swag for the next couple of days.
Let's just say, I didn't feel another contraction the rest of the night and I slept like a little angel.

It totally worked though. I thought she was god's gift to earth. Thinking back now that is soooo not the case. She might be the devil. That lady literally put me in so much pain. I would take 10 epidurals before I would let that lady hug me.

 

... but she was sweet! haha

Now the fun is about to begin.

June 21, 2010--I went in for my regular ultrasound at Dr. Stanley's office.

I walk into the waiting area and it is just the same old, same old. I sat down on the couch, held my belly, and BOOM. Audrina was kicking! haha! But, I had noticed in the past week or so her kicks had changed. I didn't know if it was because she was getting so big and momma didn't have any room left for her or what.
For a long time each kick felt like, well... a kick. Nothing was ever different and it was basically what I had anticipated. But that last week or so of being pregnant, something changed. It still felt okay because I knew she was moving. It is really hard to explain what it felt like that past week. It almost felt like she was rubbing the outside of my belly softly. There were no more jabs or pokes, it was just a soft, smooth, long, graze against my belly. I enjoyed this more because I could put my hand on my belly and she would put her hand or foot up against it and softly touch it. It is so hard for me to explain and this might not be making any sense at all, but it was more of a warm embrace instead of a dreadful kick.

It was finally my turn to go back, so I painted on my smile and hoped for good news. Unfortunately, good news is not what I received.

Well, it was kinda good news I guess.

Everything was worse. The fluid in both kidneys had increased, the fluid around both lungs had increased, and the cystic hygroma was the same. But. That was not all. Now, we had fluid around the brain and the cord blood was reversed.

Of course there are medical terms that I should probably be using, but I figure this is the easy way. So, instead of talking about pleural effusion, we will just say fluid around the lungs. Deal? Ok, deal.

So, that was the bad news.

But, the good news was I would be meeting my beautiful baby princess before I knew it.

Dr. Stanley explained that Audrina probably would not live through that week, so something needed to be done.

Before leaving the office that day I got my first steroid shot. Yay!

Oh, by the way... this is another shot in the "bottom".

Fabulous, just fabulous.

I left the office that day with tearful eyes and a broken heart. They let me go out the "private" exit again because they didn't want me to scare anyone away. haha

My day was not over yet though. I hopped on the elevator and went from the 3rd floor to the 5th floor for my next doctors appointment.

When I finally got back to one of those cold, miserable rooms, Dr. Melendez was on the phone with Dr. Stanley.

Apparently communication between my two doctors was not very clear. Dr. Melendez did not realize how severe everything was and how much worse it had gotten in the past few weeks.

Dr. Melendez came in, hugged me, and explained everything.

Everything he said was slurred. I had the same feeling that I had when I found out something was wrong. Once again, I felt like I was sitting there, looking into a window and watching my life pass by. This did not feel real. It felt like another dreadful nightmare.

It was time to discuss my "options". I knew I had to focus. I knew I had to some how get my mind together and concentrate. I had to think clearly. I had to. I had no other choice. I wanted to just wake up. It was time to wake up. I had been sleeping too long, this dream was way past over. But, I never woke up.

And then it hit me.

This is reality.

This is my life.

How did I get here? What did I do to deserve this? God, please help us. We need you more than ever. I need you Lord. Audrina needs you. Please, please I prayed harder than I have ever prayed before.

I finally stood up. Shook it all off and f.o.c.u.s.e.d.

Options. Options. Here are my options.

What am I going to do... what would Audrina want me to do?

What does Audrina want? I don't care how I feel. I want her to feel okay. If she goes to Heaven, I want her to look down and be proud of me.

So I pulled myself together once again, bent over, pulled my big girl panties up and dealt with it.

Ok, Molly.

Here are your options.

Ugh, that word kills me. It burns in my mind. Options. Options, about my daughter. Sorry, this is not a multiple choice test. If it was, I would pick D. None of the above. And I would keep my baby here.

But, apparently on this test, I was only given choices A. or B.

I hate 50/50. It stresses me out. I can't make the wrong decision. This is my daughters LIFE we are talking about. Not some stupid game show.

Well. I can either hold on to my baby girl. Try to have her hold on for a little longer and see what happens. Or, I can have a c-section that week and meet my little princess.

Um. Duh. I will take B. please, thank you. I am so ready to meet my baby girl. I am so ready to hold her and kiss her and feel her soft skin against mine. I was so ready to see that perfect little miracle that was growing inside of me.

But, wait. I am only 26 weeks pregnant... Shouldn't I be 40 weeks? Is this all too soon? Am I risking her life by delivering this early? She will be preemie preemie. Like, majorly preemie.

But, Dr. Stanley didn't think she would make it through the week... wait. What? So... my baby will be dead inside of me?

I will never get to meet her while she is alive? I won't be able to tell her I love her or anything.

Not to mention, I don't know if emotionally I can handle delivering a stillborn.

I can't deliver a baby and just have her lay there. Would I hold her if she was stillborn? Would I even want to see her?

I don't know what to do. I am in a lose, lose situation.

Well, maybe. Just maybe. If I have a c-section this week, I will be able to meet her and hold her. I will be able to tell her everything, I will be able to kiss her, and feel her soft skin. And I will pray that she can overcome being a preemie. And I will pray that every ultrasound machine that I ever used was broken and I will have a perfectly healthy baby. Just maybe, this will happen.

I never gave up on Audrina, and she never gave up on me.

I made the decision to have a c-section. I KNOW I made the right decision and I would never in a million years go back and change it.

That night, I ended up in the hospital again. I was having the worst contractions ever and a horrible cramping in my lower abdomen.

I just laid there in that hospital bed and cried.

They took forever to find her heartbeat. I didn't think they were going to find it. I thought this was it. I thought my nightmare was here.

But finally...
THUMP, THUMP, THUMP!!!

Ahhh! My baby girl :)

I stayed in the hospital for a couple of hours and conveniently I had the SAME NURSE from before! haha! Ohhh, F my life. This lady is out to get me!

Well, want another shot in the butt???
haha... why not!

So, we played darts once again in that cold hospital room.

Once again, she hit a bullseye.

This lady is good. I got my swag walk back again and I was sent home.

I went home feeling good because I had laid there for hours just listening to her little heartbeat. I could have laid there forever and listened to that little thump. I would never get sick of that sound. I can't explain how much that little sound meant to me. I get chills and my heart sinks down into my stomach when I think of it.

June 22, 2010-- Dr.Stanley's office for my second steroid shot.

Oh, the joys of having shots in the butt.

At least this nurse didn't stand across the room and throw it at me.

June 23, 2010-- Audrina Capri Williams was born at 9:24 AM.
 

3 lbs. 10 oz. 16in.

At 10:30AM Audrina grew wings and was welcomed into Heaven. 

 

Molly blogs at audrinasmommy.blogspot.com

You can contact her at mollywilliams07@hotmail.com