Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Miranda

Mom to Seth Alexander

Stillborn September 29th, 2009

Early Miscarriage October 7th, 2010

Esegenoopetitj, NB Canada

So my pregnancy was pretty uneventful, besides the horrible morning sickness that I had the first few months. I did everything right, went to all my doctors appointments, ate right, didn't drink or smoke, and I went to breastfeeding classes and a few different prenatal classes just so I would be ready. I was attending university when I found out I was pregnant and I was due in November so I decided I would finish that year off and take the next year off to take care of the baby. So September rolled around, and I was sad not to be in school, but excited because in only a few months my son would arrive.

On the morning of September 28th, I told my mom I was a bit worried because I hadn't felt the baby move as much as I normally do, she assured me it was because it was getting a little crammed in there so he didn't have much room. So I took a bath and did a kick count, and he didn't move at all, I thought maybe he was just sleeping. So I did another later that evening, and still no movements, so I got my cousin to drive me to labor and delivery. When I got there I was relieved to hear his heart beat. They told me that he was probably sleeping and we just needed to wake him up. So I drank ice cold water and waited and waited, still nothing.

Then out of no where I had a contraction, it caused his heart beat to go from 122 to 60. They started me on oxygen and IV right away, After this, they had trouble finding his heart beat. I was in shock, I was nervous, but I always am, I thought they would just tell me that I was overreacting. Finally my doctor got there, and he took me into get an ultrasound, and there was my precious sons heart beating on the screen.  I will never forget that sight. He said that his heart beat recovered, but they still needed to get him out ASAP. That's when I got a steroid shot to help his lungs develop, as I was only 33 weeks and he would be premature.  They said they would have to transfer me because they didn't have a NICU at that hospital. They called the nearest hospital, and they wouldn't accept me because they had some sort of outbreak, another hospital said it was too risky to wait and that they should take him out here and then send him off once they got him out safely.

So I was prepped for an emergency c-section. I was so excited that I would finally get to see my baby. I was nervous though, but I have heard of baby's being born way earlier and surviving. I was so oblivious to what was about to happen. I had to go in alone because it was an emergency. I got my spinal tap, and was ready to go in a few minutes. I was so nervous, I just stared at a wall full of metal cabinets. I figured they would tell me when my son was born, like you see in the movies, right when they take them out, they show you. I thought it was taking really long, so I turned my head and I seen them giving my son cpr, I still told myself that nothing was wrong. I looked away again, no mother wants to see that. A few moments later a doctor taps on my shoulder and says that they have been working on him for 18 minutes, and they tried everything that they could and they don't think he was alive when they brought him out. She asked my permission to stop, I said yes, just because I know the harm that could happen without having oxygen to your brain for that long. 

My world shattered into a million pieces.  I couldn't breathe, I just wanted to kick and scream, yet I couldn't move a single muscle past my chest. I went into shock after, I was shaking uncontrollably. I had told my friends that I was going in to have the baby, so they were in the recovery room when I got out. I felt so bad, the looks on their faces was horrifying, I felt responsible. I called my mother right away and told her that he had died, she couldn't talk at all, she just said she had to let me go.

When I was still in the OR they asked if I wanted to see him, I said no, I couldn't handle it at that moment, but later when I got out of recovery and into my own room, I got to see him. He looked so perfect. He was tiny though, only 3lbs 6oz. He had the cutest little toes in the world. Nice thick black hair, I could definitely see myself in him. I was thinking about names just a few days before, and I didn't decide, but once I saw him, I know it was Seth Alexander. He looked so peaceful. It was so hard to believe that he was mine, but was no longer with me. I just couldn't imagine leaving the hospital without him. 

The rest of my hospital stay was a blur because of all the pain meds I was on. But I do remember holding him and spending as much time I as could with him. For a few weeks I drove myself crazy wondering what it was that I did wrong, I would go over the last few weeks in my head over and over again. I had ordered an autopsy, so after 3 weeks the doctor called with the results from the placenta. It said that it was an infection that killed him, CMV. He was on the phone with the pathologist, he said that it attacked his liver, kidneys, heart and lungs. The doctor assured me that there was nothing that I could have done differently that would have saved him.

Just over a year later, I found out I was pregnant again! I was terrified, but once the doctor confirmed that I was pregnant, I got super excited. I figured it was a gift from Seth, a gift from above. But everything fell apart once again, when I woke up one night bleeding. I went to the ER, was there for about 7 hours, and they finally confirmed that I lost it. They made it seem like it wasn't a  big deal. The doctor said, 'oh, we get people in here everyday having miscarriages, it happens all the time don't worry about it.' I could have smacked him then and there, but I just sat and bawled my eyes out. I have since decided to put getting pregnant on hold and maybe wait a few years when I have everything in life figured out. School is my priority right now. 

Someday I know I will get my rainbow.   

You can contact Miranda at miranda_mitchell477@msn.com