Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Laura

Mom to Hannah born July 9, 2010

and Miscarriage at 8 weeks on June 23, 2008

Dubai, United Arab Emirates
 

Ever since I was a little girl – all I spoke about and wanted was to get married and have lots of children. I actually thought I’d ‘settle’ on 5 children but when I met my husband he made it clear he only wanted to have 2 children. Between us we have loads of twins in our family, his father, my mother, my mother had twins, my grandfather is a twin…. Needless to say twins run in the family. So I spoke with certainty, that well - then we’d just have to have 1 child and then twins later, so that we would have 3 children!

 

April 2008 I was diagnosed with PCOS and ultrasounds shown to me confirmed many cysts. More tests will need to be run but my Dr informs me that I am probably going to battle to conceive. For 10 days I walk around devastated by this news. However in church during worship, I just broke down and sobbed. I then tangibly felt this burden lift. I did not know what had just happened, but I felt lighter and ready to tackle what lay ahead. The next day I arrive at my Dr and have the tests done. My Dr decides to do another ultrasound – ALL the cysts have disappeared!! I was healed………………. Thank you Jesus!
 

June 8, 2008 I feel nauseous, for some reason I decide to take a pregnancy test – more than anything just to confirm I’m not pregnant. Except it confirms that I am!!!! We were overjoyed; every morning for the next 2 weeks felt like Christmas. The excitement, everything!!! On the 23 June 2008 I started to miscarry and landed in hospital needing a D&C. My husband and I were devastated.  I never thought in a million years anything would go wrong!
 

I spent the next 3 months devastated and angry with God. My mom, sister and I decided to go on holiday and during this holiday I felt like I was finally able to forgive myself and just be at peace about what had happened. Within a month I started to feel nauseous and secretly bought a test again to confirm I wasn’t pregnant. Except the faintest line came up……………….. but a line is a line! I was pregnant!!! YAY! After a difficult pregnancy, threatened premature labour twice at 24 weeks, I was put on weekly injections and bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy. At 38 weeks I couldn’t feel Daniel moving, normal tricks of ice on my tummy and drinking cold water were not making him move. So I went into my Dr’s office and an ultrasound and tests showed he was distressed. The induction began immediately and Daniel made his appearance on 23 June 2009, a year exactly after my miscarriage. God turned one of the most devastating days into one of my most amazing. Daniel is my delight and a beautiful now 19 month old.
 

December 13 2009 – I find myself doing another pregnancy test…. POSITIVE! Wow, determined not to rush to the Dr and start this whole anxious thing again. I wait. 27 December I go in and during an ultrasound, Gary and I see we are having TWINS!
 

It was amazing! Gary was shocked but we were delighted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In January my Dr informs me she believes they are mono-amniotic and mono-chronic, meaning this is high risk because they are identical twins sharing the placenta and in the same amniotic sac. 2 Weeks later I find out thankfully they each have their own amniotic sac, which makes this not as high risk as they initially believed.
 

February I find myself in hospital battling with my kidneys (alarm bell) and on the 10 March I am told I’m having girls!!! WOW wow wow, I was ecstatic!! But I am also told my girls have twin to twin transfusion syndrome and I should consider terminating my pregnancy! I could never go through with that because I believed I would have 2 beautiful little girls and this was just going to be something we’d go through but come out of alive and healthy. I was praying for names for the girls and the names Rebecca and Hannah came to mind. Later the same day, I chatted to a friend in New Zealand and asked him to give me ideas for names, he immediately said Rebecca and Hannah. That was that – God confirmed their names to me through prayer and my friend within hours of me asking Him.
 

I live in Dubai, United Arab Emirates and over here they don’t allow or have facilities for the laser procedure – which I was told I would need if we were going to give my girls any chance of survival. Within a couple of weeks I got in touch with a fantastic Dr in the UK, visas were done and my husband and I arrived in the UK at the end of March to have this surgery done. 6 April we had the procedure done – it was very strange, not painful but I felt ill. An hour later we had another ultrasound and it showed both babies were alive. The next week was going to be crucial. We arrived back in Dubai on the 10th April and returned to my Dr for an ultrasound. As soon as he started I saw that Hannah’s heart was not beating, she was limp.  My Dr said nothing but I just started to cry. Thankfully my husband was with me and we now were informed of the risks and what could happen with Rebecca. We were devastated and I just could not believe this was happening. That night as I lay on the bed, I started to feel contractions. I prayed they would stop. They did. But I felt movement on my right – where Hannah was. At that point I started to pray for a miracle. That we would have 2 healthy little girls that I believed God had promised us. 2 Days later I went for an ultrasound at a new hospital which specialises in NICU.  I had to go through my whole history and then I told the Dr that although I was told we had 1 IUD – I felt both babies moving and I would not believe that.
 

She gave me an ultrasound immediately and she called other Dr’s into the room. They all confirmed we had 2 healthy girls hearts beating! This was incredible. I immediately called my husband who rushed to the hospital. They referred me to another Dr who was going to write a report for us telling us both babies were fine. However when that Dr did the ultrasound – she told us that there was only 1 baby alive. I decided to not listen to what these Dr’s were saying and just believe what I believe God wanted me to believe in – 2 healthy girls.
 

A dear friend of mine also planned a baby shower for my twins, it was special and I had such special friends standing with me in faith.
 

So much happened, from being told Rebecca was going into heart failure to an ultrasound in the middle of June, this time being shown 2 healthy babies hearts beating! All the time I stood strong for 2 healthy girls regardless of what the Dr’s were saying. My Dr went on leave and that prompted me to fly back to South Africa with my son Daniel. My husband travels a lot for work and we just did not want to be alone if I went into labour and he was away. Good Dr’s in Dubai are hard to find so that seemed like the best option.

I arrived in South Africa being 32 weeks pregnant and had to find a good Dr asap, thankfully that happened. My new Dr informed me I only had 1 baby alive. I was still standing on what I believe God wanted me to believe in – 2 healthy girls. On 8 July, my birthday – the first day since arriving in SA, I was able to do what ever I wanted to do, I just wanted to relax and I slept most of the day. I was staying at my sisters place and my mom was thankfully there as well. To celebrate my birthday we went and watched a show with friends. At about 3am on the 9th July, I woke up feeling like my chest was going to explode. I lay there trying to be still, didn’t want to wake Daniel. About 2 hours later Daniel woke up and I got up to get him a bottle. Walking back to the room my mom woke up and I immediately told her I believed I needed to go to the hospital. I walked back into the room and Daniel threw up all over me. At this point I just wanted to shower and go back to bed and my mom came in and asked me if I really thought I needed the hospital. I immediately realised we needed to go ASAP. I would never have said that if I didn’t have to go. The 10 minute drive to the hospital felt like forever. My chest pain was getting worse and I could feel this throbbing in my mouth.

We arrived at the hospital and all I wanted them to do was check my blood pressure. Except the nurses wanted me to do the whole ‘’thing’’ to practice when I came in for my C/Section. Finally they took my blood pressure and I knew something was wrong. My Dr arrived and told me I would need to have a C/Section immediately! I was not even 34 weeks and my husband was in Kenya on business. I pleaded with the Dr to just wait to give my husband time to get to us, he could be with us in a day. I was informed I had severe pre-eclampsia and if I was to delay the C/Section, it could be fatal for us.
 

My mom was with me and I asked her to please come in with me for the C/Section. I was terrified and this was the moment of truth – where I would meet both my little girls. I prayed that Hannah was alive and that her and Rebecca would be healthy! I managed to convince the nurse to let me shower (remember Daniel had thrown up on me an hour ago). An hour later I’m in theatre and they're trying to put the epidural in.  10 pokes later in my back and I’m a nervous wreck. I had swollen so much all over they were battling to insert the epidural. I gave the Dr one more chance to get it in, otherwise I wanted them to knock me out under general anaesthetic. He got it in and 5 minutes later, tiny Rebecca was born. They let me hold her quickly before they rushed her to NICU. I heard my Dr say something was interesting – I thought this was it – they could see Hannah was alive and my miracle was happening. I started to cry and shake. They never gave Hannah to me, I never heard her cry. I lay there crying, wishing my husband was with me. Wishing to hold my little girl. The Dr then called my mother to the side and said he didn’t think I should hold or see Hannah. My mom told them it was my decision. All I could do was shake my head when he spoke to me. That was it!
 

My husband arrived in SA the following evening. Rebecca was doing well in NICU, she was released 10 days later.
 

Rebecca is beautiful and I’m so thankful that she is healthy and my miracle baby in her own right. But she is a constant reminder of Hannah. I ache for Hannah. I wanted them both so much. I love them both so much. I remember being in the NICU spending time with Rebecca and the staff were delighted about twins that had just been born! I felt sick to my stomach. I had twins, Rebecca is a twin. Hannah died. The pain is awful!

I don’t understand so many things – feeling Hannah move throughout my pregnancy, the ultrasounds showing 2 hearts beating, ALL the FAITH we had, all the promises – EVERYTHING, I don’t understand it. I pray I will. But right now the pain is so raw.Rebecca loves her brother, she loves noise, sleeps well when there’s noise and Daniel crawls on her. Everything I went through, she went through too – she is my little miracle and I’m so thankful she is with me.
 

I love my Hannah and I miss her, I ache for her to be with us! Lord I trust she’s with you and knows how much we love her.
 

Laura can be contacted at: lauraburns000@gmail.com