Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Lanie

Mom to Jake and Sawyer

Jake, August 14, 2005 - August 27, 2005

Sawyer, November 17, 2009 - December 26, 2009

Atlanta, Georgia
 

I am a mother of four. Two of my children share a room down the hall from my room. Two of my children share a plot in a cemetery which is fifteen minutes from our home.

“A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his/her parents is called an orphan. But there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that’s how awful the loss is!” (Neugeboren)
 

I don’t have the answers to why Jake and Sawyer predeceased me. I don’t have the steps to get through the enormous grief and sadness which comes from burying your child or children. I am trying to get through this hour by hour. I welcome any and all advice, encouragement or support. I am hoping that I can assist others through their difficult journeys. I want Jake and Sawyer to be remembered. I want to carry on their purpose in life (whatever that purpose might be).
 

People ask, “How are you?” It is a common greeting. I too used to ask the question. Now, I can’t answer it. Or, I cry as I try to answer.

“How are you?”

Not so great. In fact, I am awful. Our first son, Jake was born in August of 2005 at 26 weeks. He lived for 2 weeks in the NICU. The only time we held him was while he passed away. Jake’s funeral was August 28, 2005.
 

In November, 2009 we were lucky enough to have a beautiful full term boy, Sawyer. At 10:45 pm on December 25, 2009 I kissed my perfect baby good night for the last time. Sawyer’s heart stopped very early the next morning. No symptoms, no warning, he was just gone. Sawyer’s funeral was December 28, 2009.

I take life day by day. I keep thinking that there must be some purpose to all this grief. For the almost five years since Jake died I have been trying to figure out what to do with all my sadness. Since Sawyer died I am numb but I have to keep moving forward. I started my blog to create a purpose for Jake and Sawyer’s lives. And, perhaps help other families, or maybe just my own. . .

Lanie blogs at: http://www.amourningmom.wordpress.com

And can be contacted at: laniet829@yahoo.com