Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Kristen

Mom to Zachary Logan

Passed away November 3rd, 2010 at 2 months gestation

Bellingham, Washington

This is 4 weeks from the loss of my baby Zachary Logan. I have searched for resources, for people who have been through something similar and I have grown frustrated with little support for people who have had abdominal pregnancies. So I figure there are others out there who are feeling this way too - so I am writing this for those searching for someone else who has been there. 

My story is unique. I did not know that I was pregnant - in fact i was doing my darndest to not be pregnant. I had an IUD. I had a lot of vaginal pressure at work in the morning -  thought my IUD may be falling out, and called the Dr office. They got me in at 11:00.  I found out at 11:10 on Thursday November 4th that I was pregnant. Although the initial reactions was intense shock - it turned into joy and trying to figure out how to tell my husband and family. (since they all were going to be as shocked as well). 

(I am going to attach the timeline that I wrote down while I was in the moment of what was going on... incase that helps someone else, I am just going to summarize everything here.)

Later in the day I knew something was wrong - I was in too much pain, I couldn’t sit for more than 10 minutes. I called the Dr again and they ordered a STAT ultrasound.  I had not peed other than the small amount at the Dr office to do the urine test... and still could not pee - this became a problem at the ultrasound and continued until I got a cath later. At this point I called my husband, mother -in-law, and family. I was scared. The ultrasound did not go well - and after an hour or so of trying I was told to go to the ER because they could not find the baby and there was a “shadow” on my uterus - which they said meant that I had an Ectopic pregnancy. 

NO ONE EXPLAINED TO ME THE BABY WAS GONE, THAT HOPE WAS GONE. 

We got to the ER and the nurse and Dr were great, holding my hand, comforting, explaining what was going on WITH ME - but no one put it bluntly that hope was gone. Somewhere in my brain I thought - “well the baby is in the fallopian tube, put some water in there and slip it down to where it is supposed to be” - - - no one connected it for me, I think they all thought someone else had done that. 

7:20 pm Zachary ruptured in my abdomen. The physical pain that came out of that is not even comprehendible. I had 5 shots of dillaudid in my system already.  I cant imagine the pain if I had not had that on board already. I did not know that was what was happening - - - I started screaming “my ass is exploding” - that is how it felt. 

The on call OB - WITH HORRIBLE bed side manor and difficult to understand came in and said that I had to go and have emergency surgery because the baby was in the fallopian tube. Ok - still hope right?!?!?!  Surgery happened, and when I woke up I found out that Josh <my hubby> was told that I was never pregnant, that it was a “cyst releasing a pregnant hormone.” So that news was one more crush. 3 hours later the OB with the horrible bed side manor came in.  He was frustrated by our questions, told me that I was pregnant - that the baby ruptured in my abdomen  and “it was full of tissue and blood, full full, you had about 3 hours before you died. Ok well all looks good you are ready to be discharged.” (It has taken me the last 4 weeks to comprehend this one sentence alone.)

My amazing primary care dr saw me as soon as I left the hsp and she was GREAT. She explained everything to me. it all sank in - sank. 

I had to recovery from a physical surgery, from emotional shock of being pregnant and losing Zachary Logan - and moving forward from here. 

We decided to name our baby - I loved the name Zachary Logan - Zachary means “the Lord remembers.” and Logan means “Dweller of a little hollow.” I loved the imagry of my son being the dweller of a little hollow - since he was where he should not have been. 

Right now I struggle with where to go from here - how to cope with my anger, sadness, and fear. It is my hope that my story will reach someone who has gone through this as well - someone who has searched for someone who has been there too. 

(the outline is below - the play by play for anyone who is interested in it)

This is the outline of my last 2 days. 

I found out that I was pregnant, then I found out that I had lost the pregnancy. 

11/3/10: 10am – I started to have abdominal pain. I thought my IUD was falling out. 

10:45 – phone call to my dr office because it was getting worse. Appt at 1100 with a different dr in the office – Dr Anderson. 

11:00 – check in for appt. Talk to the nurses (one student and one RN). Let them know about the pain, my concern about the IUD falling out. They ran a standard pregnancy test and I waited for Dr. Anderson. 

(during this time I talked to Kelly – my amazing nurse of my amazing dr – Dr. Jessica Bloom – I told Kelly what was going on, and that I had better not be pregnant – totally joking). 

11:05 – Dr Anderson came in to ask if I got the pregnancy test results. I said no, he said he would go and check on it. 

11:10 – Dr Anderson came in – white as a ghost. He said the test was positive. I said “you are shitting me” – then his nurse came in – she was holding one of the 4 tests that she said that she ran. She was shaking as she explained that the two lines mean “pregnant!” 

11:11 – Freaking out, crying, emotional. Totally in shock. I asked for Kelly to come in (since I knew that she was sitting in the hallway) – she came in and held me while I cried. This was not our plan – this was a HUGE shock. Kelly said that it would be ok, and Dr. Bloom would come in when she was done with her patient that she was with. She said that I will have to talk to her about the IUD coming out.  

11:13 – I asked Kelly for a favor. Do not tell Dr. Bloom – since this is her fault (she placed the IUD) I wanted to be the one to tell her. I asked for the test to be left on the table. 

11:17 – Dr. Bloom comes in “hay Kristen what’s up.” I just gestured to the exam table, and pointed to the test. She looked at it, I started crying again, and she got excited. I let her know that if she wanted to see me more often than she just had to call, she did not have to make me pregnant. She said that I had to get the IUD taken out but I would have to have an ultra sound to check on the position of the IUD in association with where the baby is. They scheduled me an ultra sound on Tuesday the 9^th and follow up with her on Tuesday the 16^th (she is on vacation next week, which I informed her will be the last vacation she takes for the next 10 months). Kelly said she tried to have the ultra sound earlier – but they had no appts. 

11:30 – I called Mount Baker Imaging – and told them what was going on with the IUD and pregnancy – so they moved up my appt to November 4^th at 12:30. I called Kelly and let her know that I got it moved up – to which she congratulated me for being who I am and she is amazed that I get that kind of results. She moved up my appt with Jessica Bloom to 4:00 that day to remove the IUD. 

12:10 – freaking out, went to my Mother In Law’s work – emotional and crying. I showed her the test, she embraced me. She asked “well who is this little one going to be?” I responded “we used out names, we are going to spend the next 10 months fighting about it!!!” I was so worried about people being mad at me and what the fall out was going to be. She made me feel better. 

<I went back to work, saw a few clients, but the pain got worse and worse, It felt like labor pressure – I could not sit for more than 15 minutes> 

3:00 – I stop at Dairy Queen. I had bought another pregnancy test, because I wanted to physically do one of my own – just incase. That is when I found out that I could not pee. Something was wrong, something was really wrong. I ate a kids grilled cheese sandwich and drank 24 ounces of water and then sprite. I peed enough to do the test and it said “PREGNANT” So – I was sitting in my car, letting everything sink in, and the pain got worse and worse. I called the dr office at 320. Jessica Bloom had gone home at this time so I talked to the nurse for Dr. Anderson  <who was the poor man to tell me I was pregnant>. He called for a STAT ultrasound scheduled at 400. They told me to drink 24 more ounces of water. 

3:20 – Phone call to Josh. “So, this is not how I wanted to do this, but you need to get dressed (he had worked the overnight), and meet me at mount baker imaging. I am pregnant and something is wrong.” – He responded with some sort of “you are kidding me.” But he could hear in my voice that something is major wrong, and he said ok he is on his way. 

3:45 – I got to the imaging place. They did not have my orders yet. And I was to wait for them to come in. I sit down outside and start crying. “How can this be happening……. What is going on……. I am scared for my health and the health of the baby……… I just need Josh……..” 

3:55 – Josh showed up. He walked up the stairs and grabbed me and hugged me. He let me know the thoughts running through his head. 

4:00 – I found out my appt was at 415 – and I really have to pee. I told her that I would just go a little, not too much. It was at this time that I found out that I could not physically pee. It was horrible! I could not sit, walk, be comfortable by any stretch, lay down or do anything. 

4:15 – I get called back. She does the ultrasound. She notices some CYSTS on my ovaries <I just had one removed from the right one 7 weeks ago>. She also does not see a baby. But the IUD is in perfect place. 

4:18 – she tells me to pee so she can finish the ultrasound. I try for the next 45 minutes, and nothing barely comes out. It is only when Josh tried to bore me to death with Fantasy Football talk that I finally peed a little. She attempted to finish the ultra sound. 

5:00 – the radiologist comes in. Ok – so for those of you who have always had perfect ultra sounds, you never get this. When I was pregnant with Eddie with his kidney complications, I got used to this. Seeing this person = something is really wrong. He lets me know that he saw an abnormality on the ultrasound. They can not see a baby, but they do see something abnormal in the uterus. He states that what he is seeing with the combination of having an IUD most likely equals an etopic pregnancy. He said that I am to go to the ER immediately. 

My hopes broke – crushed – I was freaking out – I was scared, I had got happy about having this baby, about being able to move forwards, Upset because although when I found out I was pregnant the initial response was “OH SHIT” it turned into feeling ok which turned into being happy….. which got crushed. 

5:15 – walked into the ER. They asked me why I was there. I said “Etopic Pregnancy”  - and started crying. Got all checked in. and Waited. 

5:55 – I got my room <I had also gotten my labs drawn by then, and he got it on the first poke – which is remarkable!> you know that you are bad, when you go the ER and you have a private room and a nurse who comes in every few minutes to check on you. I had a great nurse – her name is Jamie – and the Dr was even better – his name was Jim but I informed him that I was going to call him Jimmy and he was ok with that. 

6:15 – still no pain meds. Still no pee. I am BEGGING for a catheter – now how often does that happen?!?!?! 

6:20 – Jamie tires to get the IV in – nope.    Jamie tires to get the catheter in - - - - Nope……

6:40 – Another nurse came in and got the IV in and the catheter in – 550 cc’s later – RELIEF! 

6:45 – I started getting my pain medications. IV Dillaudid – I got 4 hits of it and I was still in pain. But it was significantly less. 

7:20 – HORRIBLE pain – Josh said that I was screaming that my ass was exploding. The pressure was horrible and the pain was worse. I could barely breathe. I can not imagine what that would have felt like without the 4 shots of Dillaudid on board already! 

840 – the on call OB came in. He said that he was going to be taking me to surgery. He was sure that it was an etopic pregnancy and He would have to go in and remove a fallopian tube, because he believed that was where it was. 

955 – wheeled to the pre- op room. I was all hooked up to what they needed me to be, and the wait started. 

10:45 The anesteologist was the best on the PLANET!!! She was so wonderful. She had a great personality and she was approachable, and she took the time to care for what was going on. She talked to me for almost an hour – about what was going on and how she was going to be there to take care of me. 

11/04/10

12:00 AM – I get wheeled into surgery. As promised the anesteologist was waiting at the OR door with a cocktail of medications that made me go to sleep! I woke up 3 hours later being wheeled to the observation unit for my overnight stay. 

3:00 am -  I am back in the room – emotional, in and out of consciousness and doped up on medications! 

3:30-8:00 – I was in and out of consciousness. I was on dillaudid – and that was helping a lot with the pain. However, during this time the nurse on call told josh hat I was never pregnant – going off of the OB’s notes, that I just had a cyst that broke. 

8:30 – Josh told me about what the nurse had said to him. I was upset further. It was so hard to cope with this. The emotions were so much. I am in pain, not sure what to think anymore. – Everyone was coming over to visit – We had Fotis <our neighbor>, Pastor Keith, Auntie Barbara and Uncle Scott, and Dad. 

11:00 am – the OB dr came in. He said that the surgery went well. He said that I was pregnant at least 2 months. He said that the baby fell into the abdomen – where he “ruptured” last night. He said that when he got in there there was a lot of blood and tissue in the abdomen – which needed to be cleaned out and sent to pathology. He also said that there was a 5cm cyst on my right ovary – which he let the fluid out of. He also let me know that he removed the IUD. He was frustrated with all of the questions that we were asking, and said “well that is what I am trying to explain to you.” So we knew that we would ask my dr about it later today. 

11:20 – Josh called my Dr office and told them what was going on. He asked if we could come and see Jessica today. Jessica said that she would see us at 200 or whenever we got there. She had read all of the notes and she was up to speed on what had happened. She said that she could just talk to us on the phone if we would prefer – but Josh let her know that I wanted to see her face to face. 

1:00 we were discharged from the hospital. We dropped the script off at Walgreens <what a joke like they could actually get a script done on time>. And we drove to the dr office. 

2:00 – meeting with Jessica Bloom. I was immediately taken to a room when I got there. Jessica had it all arranged. Kelly came in first, I was crying at this time. I was emotional for not being able to carry the baby, feeling like I had done something wrong, and being sad to be in this position. Jessica came in next. She had read everything that had happened, she was engaged with us, talking about the process that we have gone through. Jessica was able to encourage us, affirm the fact that we were pregnant and help us move towards healing. 

You can contact Kristen at kristenhagin@gmail.com