Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Kerstin

Mom to Jenna Marshal

April 3rd, 2004 - April 9th, 2004

Minneapolis, Minnesota

I was 38 weeks pregnant with our angel Jenna when I woke up feeling like something was wrong. I waited to get out of bed for a while to see if she would start moving but she never did. 

When we arrived at the hospital we were relieved to find that Jenna's heartbeat was strong but not reactive and she still wasn't moving. After several hours of labor, which was induced, Jenna's heart stopped. I was rushed in for an emergency c-section and woke up to find out that Jenna was not doing well.  Jenna was born still though they were able to revive her after 3 attempts.  The doctor thought that she had suffered severe brain damage and probably would not survive. We later learned that there was a true knot in Jenna's umbilical cord and that she had been deprived of oxygen and blood for an extended period of time. Even if she did survive in the short term she would never be conscious - never open her eyes - never cry...

Jenna died when she was six days old. We were lucky to have those 6 wonderful days with Jenna - though she never woke up we were able to hold her, bathe her, change her diaper, sing to her and love her. Our 2 1/2 year old daughter Maria was able to be a big sister to her for a few days - she held her, sang to her, touched her, hugged her and though I'll always cherish this time we spent with her it simply wasn't enough. I am able to find some peace in knowing that she no longer has to fight just to breathe and that she is not suffering...I just never imagined I would have to bury my own child. Jenna was buried on her due date, 4/13/04.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I wanted to be the one to show you your first sunrise and sunset; I guess I'll have to leave that in the hands of God. I know that you are in a far better place where there is no suffering, no pain...but still I want you here with me so badly that sometimes it's all I can do to keep breathing. 

Kerstin blogs at http://jennamarshal.blogspot.com 

You can contact her at the-wrights@comcast.net