Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Jessica

Mom to John Michael Brennan

Born still on September 29th, 2010

Carolina, Puerto Rico

Our story begins shortly after my husband; Mike and I were married in May 2009.  We knew we wanted to be parents soon so we started trying to conceive in October 2009. Shortly after the New Year came, we still were not pregnant. However, life changes for us started to surface. Mike was given an opportunity to relocate to Puerto Rico from California for a new position. He was traveling back and forth for those couple months and one week in February, we finally signed the papers. The very same week, I took a pregnancy test. The day after Valentines Day, I called Mike to tell him those very special words, “We’re pregnant!” We could not have been more excited for our future and the adventure we had before us.

The day we were set to begin our move, we heard our baby’s heartbeat. I was eight weeks. We couldn’t believe this was happening. We were really having a baby! Soon after, we settled into our new home in Puerto Rico. At our 16- week appointment, we had an ultrasound. Our doctor made no promises, but he saw what he needed to and told us it was a boy! We were elated! From the moment we got pregnant, all we wanted was a healthy baby. However, deep down, we wanted our first born to be a boy. We started picking out names and daydreaming about the times we would share with our son.

We had so much fun spending our days beneath the Caribbean sun. My pregnancy was blissful. We already knew we were having a water baby. Our moments were spent swimming in the ocean, paddle- boarding and hanging by our pool. Although, we were away from our families, we made amazing friends who were just as excited to meet our son as we were. I embraced every moment and loved everything about carrying our first child.

As time got closer, we were ready for our son to get here. At 32 weeks, I was feeling big and swollen, but still enjoyed every moment. Our son continued to measure in a couple weeks ahead of scheduled, so we expected him to arrive early. Mike travels often for business and at 36 weeks he got called to a meeting in the states. I told him to go and that mom and baby would be waiting for his return. Although, he never missed an appointment, he would miss the one where we heard the words that shattered our lives forever.

The next day I noticed Baby B, as we called him, wasn’t moving as much. I didn’t think anything about it, as I had heard that as time goes on he becomes less “active” because of “lack of room”. At this point, I was seeing my doctor weekly and would see him in a couple days. None-the-less, I felt I had to go see the doctor earlier, to assure everything was all right. After spending the morning with a friend, she decided to follow me to the doctor’s office so I didn’t have to go alone.

It’s hard to remember the moments after I heard the doctor say there was no heartbeat. I wailed and screamed in a way I did not know existed within. “My Baby, My Baby!”, “How could this happen?”, and “Why” were all the things I screamed out in such pain for our precious son. The guilt and sorrow took over and I was in complete shock, not remembering the horrible phone call I had to make to Michael and the drive and check-in to the hospital. Although, friends surrounded me and family members were on the first flight all I wanted was my husband. He rushed to the airport as soon as I called but he could not get to me for another 24 hours. I never felt so alone in my life, but I cherished the last day my son was inside of me, remembering all of our special moments that would never be forgotten.

The next day, Michael got to the hospital. I have never felt closer to my husband than I did in those hours lying in the hospital bed crying over our sweet son.  Labor was induced as soon as he got there. After a day of no progress, our doctor recommended a c-section. John Michael Brennan was born sleeping on Wednesday September 29th. Even though I knew he was gone, I still hoped I would hear the cry that I never did. He was a beautiful baby boy weighing in at 6lbs 7oz and 20 inches long. He looked exactly like his daddy except his mouth. I never thought I could love someone as much I did when I saw him. Sadly, I was robbed of time to spend with him because of my reaction to the sedatives and pain- killers I was given. I was able to see him, but regret not ever being able to hold him and feel his baby soft skin. Thankfully, Michael and John Michael’s grandmas were able to love him and celebrate his life.

A couple days later we were released from the hospital with only empty arms and broken hearts. The only thing that got us through the next weeks was the constant love and support from all of our friends and family. Everyday that passes, we thank God we survived another day. Not a moment passes that we don’t think about our son and wished he were here. We will forever love him and live our lives to honor him in every way.

You can contact Jessica at jessiemoore03@gmail.com