Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Stefanie

Baby Jelly Bean 

Lost January 5th, 2006

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

I had a miscarriage on January 5, 2006. I was fourteen weeks. One day in late October 2005 while at work, I felt dizzy, figured it was just stress or exhaustion. On the way home, I picked up a pregnancy test. You know, just in case, not really expecting a positive. My husband wouldn’t be home for a couple hours so I took the test. Three minutes later, the two pink lines popped up. I was shocked! I just went to my room and sat on the bed leaving the test in the bathroom sink. My shock turned to worry then to panic. I was only married for a year, working full time, and going to college full time which was why I took my birth control religiously. I had no idea what we were going to do.

 

All the sudden, I heard the door open and shut. I looked at the clock and realized two hours had passed by and I was still sitting on the edge of my bed, it was getting dark and I had not turned on the light. My husband asked me what was wrong when he found me in the dark and I told him to look in the sink. He came back asking if I was sick. I was confused for a minute but quickly realized that he thought the test was a thermometer. Heh. When he realized what it was, he seemed happy which helped calm me. We talked it though and started making plans for our new baby.

 

We bought a new house on December 20, 2005. Figured we needed more space in a better neighborhood and sold our run-down starter home that we never actually got to start fixing. We celebrated Christmas with our families, excited that I had just passed the 12 week mark. We were “safe”, we thought. On January 5, we were both off from work. We started the day at the OB’s office. She heard the heartbeat.  I still couldn’t figure it out from all the swooshing noises but I trusted that she did. We then went to the mall to spend some gift cards we got from Christmas followed by a trip to the movie theater. We went to Carraba’s for dinner and while we waited to be seated, I went to the ladies room only to see a pregnant woman’s worst nightmare. Blood.

 

I really don’t remember many details after that. I remember getting to the hospital, waiting to see a doc, waiting for the ultrasound lady, waiting…. The ultrasound tech began but quickly turned the monitor away from me within a minute of starting. That's when I knew the baby was gone. She was quiet the whole time and quickly left the room. Again, we waited. The doctor came in to confirm what we already knew. That same night, I was transferred to another hospital to have a D&E as I was too far along for a D&C.

 

The worst feeling was coming home. A home we purchased for the family we were starting. I was coming home without the baby that I already loved. The baby that was supposed to make me a mother. The baby that was now gone.

 

All my friends and family were wonderful with me. Very loving and caring, making sure I was okay. What most people don’t understand is that along with the loss of a pregnancy, we lose a CHILD and our dreams for that Child. I spent the last couple months planning our lives around the baby. But now what?

 

It takes awhile to get back to life, but I did. Eventually. Of course, I had the occasional "moment" when someone that I hadn't spoken to in a while would asked how the pregnancy was going. I now have 2 beautiful children but I never stop thinking about my first baby.  I know that God allows these things to happen for a reason even if we don’t understand it at the time. My baby is now in heaven, and any one that knows Jesus as their Savior knows that they will one day see their child again.

 

Stefanie blogs at http://thelifeandlovesofstefanie.blogspot.com/ 

You can contact her at Stefanie.fcm@gmail.com