Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Samantha

First Miscarriage July 27th, 2009

Second Miscarriage May 6th, 2010

Avondale, Arizona

I still remember finding out that I was pregnant for the first time. I was so happy even though my situation with the Daddy wasn't the best. Just knowing that I was carrying a little tiny person inside of me made me the happiest person alive. To be totally honest I couldn't believe that I was actually pregnant so I ended up taking like six tests and of course they all came back positive! At that moment I finally had enough proof to know that it was really true... I was going to be a mommy! I called and told the Daddy that we were pregnant. He wasn't to happy, because our relationship was on the rocks. I figured he would come around to accept the idea that we were going to be parents. 

I went to the Dr. about a week later and found out that I was 5 weeks pregnant. We didn't do an ultrasound that appointment, but the Dr. did let me hear the baby's heart beat. That was the most amazing thing I had ever heard in my life. To know that there was a strong healthy heartbeat and everything seemed to be going exactly as it should be with the baby. As soon as I heard the heartbeat I was in tears. I never thought that you could instantly be in love with someone or something so quickly, but my baby taught me that you can and do instantly fall in love. I went back for my monthly check up where I finally got my ultrasound at nine weeks. Seeing the first picture of the baby was totally amazing and made me just as happy...well maybe a little bit happier then when I heard the heartbeat at my first appointment. I was told then that everything looked great the baby was growing like needed and everything for me looked good as well. I left that appointment all smiles and still on cloud nine about being pregnant... ecstatic that I was going to be a mommy in seven more months.

The morning of July 27th, 2009 I woke up in the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. I was doing my morning routine when I realized that I was spotting. Dumb me thought that it was nothing so I just went on with the morning routines of getting ready for the day. The pain kept get tin worse to where the pain was totally and completely unbearable... I can't even explain it in words. I then decided, "you know maybe I should go in and get checked to make sure everything is okay with both the baby." I called my Dr. and his nurse informed me that my Dr. wanted me to go to the ER because he didn't have an opening to get me in soon enough. I got my stuff together went to the ER...
 

I remember it like it just happened yesterday. They got me checked in and in the back within a matter of minutes. Once I was in that room I knew and felt that there was something very wrong... My gut feeling was to just start crying and screaming "nooooo not my baby... please not us!" Then next thing I know the Dr. comes in says that they're gonna do an ultrasound just to make sure everything is okay with the baby. As soon as I didn't hear a heartbeat I knew what I was getting ready to be told. Instantly the tears started running down my face. I began to yell at the nurse and Dr. telling them, "this isn't true! You are wrong, my baby is okay! Please just let me keep my baby." They just said "I'm sorry... I'll give you some time to deal with what i just told you. I will come back and then we can schedule you for a D&C." Then the nurse turned to me and said "is there anyone that you would like to call besides your friend who's here with you right now?" I knew she was referring to the Daddy. I'm sure I gave her the worst look ever and all I could say was "does it look like he gives a damn about us since he isn't already here with me to support me in this horrible situation?" All she could do was say she was sorry and left the room to get everything ready for my D&C. 

The last time I cried that much was when my family lost my baby sister to a car accident six years earlier. I mean... you don't realize the heartache and pain that goes with losing a child(ren) if you've never gone through it personally. The D&C seemed to be totally pointless... I didn't want it to happen because I knew exactly what was going to be done... and I just wanted to keep my baby. I was suppose to be a Mommy... I wasn't suppose to loose my baby.
 

After going through all of that horrible pain and heartache I thought that I was finally able to move on. It took awhile to feel strong enough to proceed with life... and that was when I found someone to be in wonderful relationship with! Someone I loved very very much. We became pregnant sooner then I wanted, but I was excited... and scared all at the same time. I didn't know if I was going to be okay and if my baby was gonna make it this time. Trying not to stress so bad and trying to stay positive about the this pregnancy was one of the hardest thing that I could possibly imagine. I wasn't even able to get a heartbeat or ultrasound for this baby because at six weeks I was rushed to the hospital in horrible pain accompanied with a bunch of bleeding. I knew exactly what was happening so all I could do or was able to do was bawl my eyes out. This time when the Dr. came in a he did was blood work. I was informed that my blood type is RH negative which is what caused this miscarriage on May 6th 2010.

I truly am sorry that I can't write more about this last miscarriage, but it is still so fresh. It is like an open wound and it still hurts way to bad to talk about it. I would like to include this poem I wrote when I had my first miscarriage.
 

It was the happiest day of my life,
I'd just found out I was gonna be a mommy!
Just the thought of a little person growing in side of me,
Made me glow and the happiest person alive.
Everything seemed to be going great and as planned,
I couldn't have asked for anything else,
Other then the Daddy's helping hand in getting through the scary time.(1st trimester)
But everything seemed as if there was something wrong,
One July 27Th 2009 when I awoke in horrible unbearable pain then I realized for sure something wasn't right.
So, I went to the hospital where they ran a bunch of test and told me that there wasn't anything they could do,
I remember thinking, "OMG, I waited to long and my baby's not gonna make it."
Then after awhile the doctor came in and said I'm sorry but you're having a miscarriage.
When I heard those words I felt as if my heart had been ripped out.
I mean the one great thing happening in my life was taken from me,
And all I can remember thinking was, "are they sure that my baby's really gone?"
But here I am 5 months later and I know it's true now my baby's really gone.
It seems like as soon as I found out I was gonna be a mommy it was taken from me!
Someone be honest please, does this mean God didn't think I was gonna be a good mommy?
Because, all Ive ever dreamed of is being a mommy and now all of that's gone! 

Samantha blogs at http://justsimplisam.blogspot.com/

You can contact her at Bigsissy_angelbaby09@yahoo.com