Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Nicole

Mom to Baby Angel #1, miscarried at 5 weeks on September 25th , 2008

& Baby Angel #2, miscarried at 9 weeks, 4 days on March 11th, 2010

Whitby, ON

September 25, 2008:

In March 2008 - About a month before our one year wedding anniversary, my husband and I decided we were ready to start trying for our first child. We went through many months of trying, and nothing was coming of it. We felt so discouraged, helpless, broken... That was until the week before my husband’s birthday. My period was late; it was never late... so I tested. When we saw the second pink line appear we were in such disbelief. We had been TTC for 6 cycles. We were over the moon with excitement! I took several more tests to make sure and they all kept coming back positive. 

A week later as the excitement started to calm, I began to have cramping and I started to bleed. Our worst fears were coming true. I lost our little bean at 5 weeks (just two days after my husband’s birthday). We were in such denial and disbelief. It just wasn’t fair.
 

March 12, 2010:

My husband and I found out we were expecting our second a little over 9 and a half weeks ago. The news came right before my birthday, and we were surprised but extremely thrilled. I really hadn't been for telling our families right away, but my husband was bursting and spilled the beans to his parents, so he did. I was extremely hesitant about the whole idea given my family’s history of miscarriage and infant loss. Even though my husband told his parents right away, I opted to wait until 12 weeks to break the news to mine. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay first... it turns out everything wasn't. 

On Feb. 23, I had a bit of spotting. It stopped, but the next morning I woke up with a horrible burning sensation and a severe upper abdominal cramp. On the 25^th, I ended up going to the doctor. The doctor did an internal, and saw no reason for the spotting – she had such high hopes for my pregnancy. So she sent me to a walk-in ultrasound clinic ASAP. The ultrasound clinic was extremely sketchy. He had to perform a transvag ultrasound, in which I felt torn on the inside from afterwards... he was that rough. The ultrasound results came back inconclusive, as a heart rate couldn't be determined. The baby was measuring 6 weeks 4 days; I should have been 7 weeks 4 days. My doctor received the results on the afternoon of the 25^th, and advised me not to worry. She had seen many cases where a heartbeat isn't determined and a week later it is. She placed me on bed rest until my follow-up ultrasound on March 5. Thankfully my husband’s bosses understood enough and let him work from home to help me out with C. 

I didn't have any more spotting again until March 4. I went for my ultrasound on the 5^th at another clinic. Within seconds of the ultrasound starting the tech chimed “I see a baby” which was followed immediately with “Oh have you had any spotting or bleeding? How much and when?” She was one of those techs that really should have kept her friggin' mouth shut. She told me the heartbeat was too slow to determine, and that my dates must really be wrong because she'd guess I was only newly pregnancy... That comment is what set off an alarm to me that something was wrong... I wasn't newly pregnant – I was 9 weeks! I told her upon entering the room not to give me pictures of the ultrasound, if everything wasn't okay. She sent me away with 3 pictures. Huge slap in the face right now, let me tell you. I had pictures of my baby that had passed away weeks before. My husband got rid of them for me, as I couldn't do it. I felt guilty for even thinking of throwing them away. 

On March 8, I went to the bathroom and I passed globby brown discharge, which was followed by dark red spotting. I called the doctor to see if my results were in. They weren't, so my doctor ordered that they been on her desk for the next morning and I was to see her on the afternoon of the 9^th. Come the 9^th, my spotting had tapered off again. I ended up having to go to my appointment on the 9^th alone with my daughter in tow, as my husband had tons of meetings that he couldn't miss... I really wanted him there. My doctor was so upset for me when I got to her office. The second batch of results came back inconclusive. The heart rate couldn't be determined; the baby was only measuring 6 weeks 4 days. My doctor informed me that she no longer had hope for my pregnancy, but that she couldn't tell me it was over either based on the ultrasound results. She talked to me about miscarriage, and related to me as well – as she had just gone through an almost similar experience just a few months earlier. She sent me to have my HCG levels tested and booked me for another appointment next week to go over how we'd proceed. 

By Tuesday night, I was bleeding lightly. It started getting heavier come Wednesday, but tapered off Wednesday night into Thursday. By late yesterday afternoon, I was in soooo much pain that I couldn't function. I was home alone with my 7 month old daughter, and I was howling from pain to the point that it was scaring the crap out of C. It honestly felt like I was having a strong contraction that would not let up. I felt horrible. I called my husband and told him to come home from work. He got home just in time. He literally walked through the door; I passed our daughter to him and ran to the bathroom. The moment I sat on the toilet I felt a huge gush. I looked in the toilet; it was a sea of red. I decided to wipe, and I'm sorry I did. I ended up wiping the fetus off, and holding it in the tissue. 

My doctor had told me odds were if and when I passed the baby, it would end up in the toilet and I wouldn't have to see it. I was horrified and devastated. I ended up staring at the little bud. I couldn't pull myself away. I could see where it's eyes would have been, its arm buds... like I said I couldn't pull myself away from looking... by this point I was still in a state of OMG... The hurt hadn't sunk in. I put the tissue on the counter... I couldn't bring myself to flush it. I looked in the toilet and noticed this lengthy thick cord like thing dangling from me. I couldn't wipe it off. I started to freak out. I was screaming and crying for my husband. I honestly thought my body was falling apart on me. My emotions were finally catching up to me. My husband rushed into the room with our daughter and just held me. I had my head in my knees I was crying so hard... I really wish my daughter didn't have to see her Mommy like that. The cord like thing eventually detached. Once I was somewhat calm, I cleaned up and left the room. I couldn't bring myself to flush the babe, so my husband did it for me. I felt so guilty about the thought of doing it... I can't explain why... I just did. I've never cried so hard in my entire life, as much as I did yesterday.

I should have been 9 weeks 4 days yesterday... I should have been excited that I had been getting so close to the second trimester. My husband and I had started planning out how our life would change by October, buying new car seats, discussing moving our daughter to another bedroom... This should have been such an exciting time for us, except the last two weeks have been full of uncertainty, which has been complete torture to me emotionally. As much as I want to begin TTC again when able, I'm terrified to.  

Today is a new day and I feel numb, sad, angry, guilty, broken... a whole slew of emotions. My husband is staying home with me. I'm holding my daughter so close today, and I realize what a true blessing she really is. I'm sure when I'm alone the hurt and pain is really going to sink in. I'm really dreading next week when he goes back to work. 

Life can just be so unfair. Right now should have been such a happy time for us, and yet it is not. I miss my angel baby, and I wish there was a way to bring him or her back – but there isn’t.

You can contact Nicole at  king-nicole@hotmail.com