Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Trisha

Missed Miscarriage

January 11, 2008

Columbus, Ohio

My story. One year of TTC. Positive pregnancy test: December 8th 2007. Missed miscarriage confirmed: January 11th 2008.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Our ultrasound didn't turn out as we expected this morning. We are measuring 6w1d today and should be 8w3d. Today there was no sign of a heartbeat as it would be too early to detect that early anyhow if it's measuring that early. We are not hopeful that this pregnancy will stick as I am 100% confident when our last cycle started. Because my cycles are so irregular (the same issue that's making it hard to try to conceive in the first place), it could have been possible that I ovulated a lot later than I thought, however, I was on a fertility monitor that pretty accurately calculates that event.

The odds aren't in our favor. They drew more blood and we'll have the levels back tomorrow afternoon. I expect to see that they are dropping and we'll go from there. I am still experiencing pregnancy symptoms and have not had spotting which normally happens when you're miscarrying. There is such a thing as a "missed" miscarriage in that your body takes a long while to actually figure out that the baby had died. From what I've read, it's very rare to have a baby measuring 2 weeks behind to actually be viable. We'll know more tomorrow after our betas are back. If the levels are still high, we'll have one more ultrasound next week to see if there is any growth progress. It's a sad day.

Friday, January 11, 2008
 

I started to bleed today which is the beginning of our miscarriage. My HCG levels came back at 47,960 and I scheduled an appointment to have more blood drawn tomorrow. My levels will be checked over the next several days until they drop to zero. At that point, the pregnancy hormone will be gone and we will wait for another period to start before trying again.
 
We have an appointment on Monday to do another ultrasound and make sure that the uterine lining is shedding properly. Tiff said that I may bleed for a week before it's all done :(. I just want this to be over with.
 
Craig and I are just heartbroken.
 

Monday, January 14, 2008
 

Gone to heaven The baby has officially gone to heaven :(. We would have been 9w today.
 
Our second u/s showed no further progress in the baby's growth and my hormone levels were declining. The u/s measurements were still showing 6w1d which means that the baby probably died on Christmas day. It's officially considered a missed miscarriage (or "missed abortion" as the medical people call it - how awful to be compared to something like that!!!!!).
 
I was given Cytotec at 12:45 to start the miscarriage process. I started cramping at 4:00 today and bleeding at 6. So far it's not unmanageable, just like strong period cramps. They said that it'll all be over in 24 hours :(.
 

We're doing okay emotionally. Craig better than I. We're grieving as well as we can and trying to move forward more each day. The support and love of our family and friends makes the process a little easier to handle. I'm more frustrated and angry that my body didn't show me any signs.

I have a follow-up u/s on Wednesday to make sure that everything has passed and then they will continue to draw blood until my HCG levels are down to zero. We'll need to wait for 4-6 weeks for my next cycle and then can start trying after that.
 
We never knew how much we could love someone we never even met.
 
The miscarriage

I've started to update my blog and quit on about 4 occasions. I think today I'm okay.
 

Last Monday I was given the option to miscarry naturally, induce the miscarriage with meds or have a D&C. I opted for the meds and took the generic form of Cytotec to induce the miscarriage. I thought it was working as I was having some mild cramping and had period-like bleeding. Apparently, I was wrong. Our follow-up u/s on Wednesday showed the fetus still attached. I had to take the second round of the meds immediately.
 
3 hours after taking the meds (around 8:15), I was in excruciating pain. I am used to pretty painful cramps during AF but this was like no other. I was hot and cold all at the same time, shaking, moaning, and rocking back and forth. I couldn't control my thoughts and finally took Vicodin at 9:30pm. It took about an hour for the Vicodin to kick in. I couldn't even have Craig touch me b/c it hurt so much. After about 10:30/11:00 and several rounds of a heating pad, the pain began to ease and the clotting begun. I cried every time I ran into the bathroom. I just couldn't bare to look.
 

I recovered well on Thursday and had a follow-up u/s again to show that I had, indeed, passed nearly all the tissue. I still had some thickening in my uterus but he said that I would cramp it out.
 

My FIL and his wife came to visit on Saturday. I spent 5 hours that morning cleaning in preparation for them to come. Apparently I must of over extended myself as the cramping and clotting returned on Sunday. I think the worst is now over.
 

Today I'm feeling better but still exhausted and sore. For the first time in my life, my eyes have dark circles under them and they don't look pretty :(.
 

An emotional train wreck My emotions have been all over the board. The Thursday we found out that we were going to m/c, I cried for 2 days straight. Last weekend, I kept busy and was nearly in denial sine I didn't want to stop in fear of thinking about it. Monday I was angry and nearly catatonic. I felt empty and alone. All at once, I felt like I was never pregnant to begin with. Tuesday was calm after recovering from the first round of meds. From Wednesday on, I've been devastated again.
 

I've been okay and low, just not many highs over the last few days. I cry randomly and unsure why. I still feel like I have a huge hole in my chest. I know it's hard for Craig to understand but he's doing a great job and just loving me and holding me through my breakdowns. I explained to him that it may not be this week, or next, or even next month when I'm through with my grief. It'll just happen on its own someday. I cry when I see the important people in my life. Sometimes I can talk about it, sometimes I'm sarcastic about it. Other times, I just cry. I've been enjoying the peace and quiet of my own thoughts lately.
 

It's rough at work as my heart really isn't there. My patience with trivial office "stuff" is low since none of my work is really important in my life right now. I do it because I have to not because I need it to feel satisfied. It's amazing what a life event like this will do to you. I'm not sure that I'm really up for a lot social gatherings right now with people I'm not close with. Even having family around this weekend was a bit overwhelming, something I never even considered.
 
I don't know what I really want to hear about what's happened. I guess I'm okay with "I'm sorry for your loss" or just to get an "I'm thinking about you" note. The cards I've received have been the just awesome so far. I'm trying to let go of the comments like "it wasn't meant to be" or "at least it wasn't a baby yet (WHAT??)". I wish there was an etiquette class people have to take. I could make an entire new thread about what not to say about miscarriages.
 
Looking forward I try to think about the next few weeks and how I'm going to feel. I really just can't see past this week right now. I say that I'm ready to TTC again right but am I? I will probably cry the first time we try. I'll probably cry a lot during the 2WW. I'll be nervous every day that I turn on that fertility monitor. I don't know if I'll be as excited as I was when we got pregnant the first time. Will it feel differently? Will I think differently? I will certainly worry more, that I'm sure of. I even thought about not testing until I missed 2 periods.
 

Thursday, January 31, 2008
 

Defying the odds again It seems to be a theme for me. I'm officially a stat. After heavy cramping and clotting last Tuesday, my body finally felt like it was healing well. I was sure that the 18mm thick lining in my uterus was breaking up and all was going to be well soon. I was wrong again.
 
I left on Wednesday afternoon for a business trip in FL. I felt a little bloated and crampy in the evening but that had been normal. During my meeting on Thursday, things were completely normal. As soon as got back to the room, I relieved myself just fine and started to answer emails immediately afterwards. About 3 minutes after sitting down, I felt as if I was going to release another clot so I rushed to the bathroom. It was as if I turned on a water faucet of blood :(.
 
I didn't panic the first time it happened but by the third time of rushing to the bathroom, I did. I was by myself and didn't have a traveling companion. All I had was the cell phone of a coworker from National AAA and the hotel phone to call the front desk. After talking with Vicki at National, I called the front desk who called 911 for me. I'm greatly indebted to the Marriott staff at the Orlando Marriott Lake Mary as they sent 3 people up to stay with me until help arrived.
 

Vicki was an angel sent from heaven - she stayed with me right up until the surgery.
 
The ambulance came and took my vitals. My BP was 150/115, extremely high for me. After arriving at Central Regional FL hospital, they immediately gave me Diladed through my IV, a morphine-like pain killer to help me relax. I saw several nurses, stenographer techs and 2 doctors until they determined that I was in need of an emergency D&C. At 11:00, I was in surgery. My cell phone was my only connection to family. The staff at the hospital was great with exception of the very first ER doctor who was a b*^#! The OB was great and he was very gentle when he gave me the bad news.
 

I feel like my body's failed me. My attempt to allow my body to process the m/c naturally failed even though it happens 10% of the time. I don't want to travel anymore. I don't want to be away from home or away from Craig. I want to stay in an environment where I can feel safe - or at least close to those that can ease my pain and worry for a while. I cried the entire plane ride home from Florida. Craig was waiting with lots of hugs when I finally arrived home.
 

Mom and dad came down to visit for a few hours on Saturday which was a huge help both physically and emotionally. Mom helped me do laundry and put away the dishes while dad ran to the grocery store. They kept me off my feet which I needed so badly after losing so much blood. My parents and husband are the greatest.
 

So apparently NOW it's all over. Dr. Kelly said that there's no longer anything more to come out after a D&C. I'm still having some cramps and hoping that my HCG levels are steadily going to 0. The faster that happens, the sooner we can start to try again.