Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Susan

Mom to Aaron Jacob

 Lost April 2008 at 7w2d

Pittsburgh, PA

We had been trying to get pregnant on and off for ten years-yes you read that right ten years.  We had seen two different gynecologists, and three different reproductive endocrinologists.  The results were always the same-you have PCOS.  We tried Clomid to no avail, we had hysterosalpingiograms, we had surgeries, and ultimately tried IUI with injectable infertility drugs.  Finally our second reproductive endocrinologist said “IVF is your only option” which was an option we couldn’t afford so I decided we would just give up.  Of course giving up only went as far as a few months when I found myself scouring the internet for just one more chance with a different doctor…  

In January my husband and I sat opposite a physician who looked over my past medical history but who still assured us that “I will have you pregnant in no time” One more surgery later and my period began.  Every day I went to that same office to have my blood drawn to evaluate my hormone levels and to check on egg production.  On Good Friday, I was given the go ahead to inject the final medication that would release our eggs-our target date was Easter Sunday-how ironic.  A week later I was back in the office again having my levels evaluated and given myself my final injection to sustain my uterine lining and to prevent a premature period.  Of course half way in I was so convinced that I wasn’t pregnant that I ordered my medication for my next cycle that same day, but yet the next weekend I was buying a pregnancy test for “just in case”  

For symptoms I really can’t say I had a lot, sure my breasts seemed larger but they didn’t hurt.  Sure I was getting up in the middle of the night to urinate but hello I was 33.  Sure I was running a higher basal body temperature than I ever had before but really who gets pregnant the first cycle after a laparascopy with timed intercourse once they are told IVF is the only way?  Apparently I do…for on my fathers birthday on April 8, 2008 I urinated on a pregnancy test and by the time I got out of the shower it was positive.  POSITIVE I was pregnant!  Even better my due date was December 15^th, my sisters birthday!  My blood work confirmed all of this with a beta of 81, and a progesterone level of 157.  The nurses were shocked that I wasn’t on any kind of progesterone supplementation,  and assured me that with numbers that good that nothing would go wrong.   That very day we decided we would call our baby whom I was certain was a boy-Aaron Jacob.  We chose the name Aaron because we both liked it and Jacob for my husband.

Alas our bliss ended at the next round of blood work a week later.  My beta only rose 20 points when it should have been over 1000 at 5 weeks and 2 days.  “You will miscarry” the nurse told me coldly when she called.  Two weeks later I did.  I delivered Aaron after a day full of rhythmic camping that can only be called labor.  I passed him into my hand in the warmth of the bathtub and buried him under the ivy in a flannel “blanket” that I made just for him.  

No one talks about our baby but he is a part of me every day.  Every April 8^th and December 15^th brings with them a tinge of sadness.  He was our last baby as our further attempts at reproduction failed, but the week that I spent knowing of his existence are by far the most blissful that I have ever experienced.

Susan blogs at Familyoftwo98.wordpress.com 

You can contact her at Familyoftwo98@gmail.com