Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Marybeth

1 angel

December 2008

Worcester, MA

I found out I was pregnant in the beginning of November, 2008. It was unexpected but my boyfriend, Rich, and I were sooo beside ourselves in happiness. Naive, never expecting any bad outcome, we went right to Barnes and Noble that night to pick out a baby name book. We agreed on names and bought baby books. Rich slept with his hand on my tummy every night and from the first night we knew of my pregnancy he would talk to the baby and kiss my belly every night before bed. We had our first doctor's appointment the next week and had a date ultrasound. We saw a beautiful strong heartbeat and our little bean and were given a due date of July 26th. All of this happened at one of the most stressful times in my life but we made the most of it. Maybe God knew I was too stressed out for this pregnancy, I don't know...

Almost 2 months went by and we were all set to go to our next OB appointment...We were so excited to hear the heartbeat I could hardly sleep the night before. We went in and my friend's mom ended up being the nurse, I was so excited! She looked for the heartbeat and couldn't hear anything but explained at that point it's like a grain of rice and isn't uncommon to not be able to hear it. I didn't think anything of it. She said the doctor would give me an ultrasound. I never even knew there was a possiblity I miscarried. The doctor came in and gave me a pelvic exam and said my cervix was closed which is a good sign that I haven't miscarried. In my head I was thinking, no shit, of course I haven't miscarried, I haven't bled at all! She then gave me my ultrasound and at the end told me my baby was measuring a week behind. Still naive (I never had a miscarriage before and knew nothing about them really) I just thought o okay, I'm having a small baby...She then told me she couldn't find the heartbeat but her portable machine wasn't very good and she would set me up with a good ultrasound but it would take about 2 hours. Rich and I left for a bit and while we were driving it finally hit me. I realized I was measuring a week behind because the baby must've died a week ago...I cried and cried and had the worst anxiety and just prayed for the best.. we went back and sat in the waiting room and I remember opening up a magazine and reading an article on a mother's love. Explaining how when you have your baby you understand why your sister always asked you to wash ur hands before holding her baby, and how that mother was able to lift a car off her baby.. I just started bawling, I just knew my baby was gone. They called us in for the ultrasound and the tech couldn't find a heartbeat.. she wouldn't confirm it to us though and kept saying she wanted a second opinion cause 2 eyes are better than one... she brought in the doctor who confirmed our baby had passed, 7 days ago, which was Christmas. I couldn't even breathe I was crying so hard. I opted for a D & C because I couldn't imagine sitting around at home waiting for my baby to come out...but that meant I had to go home with my baby dead inside me for 4 days. I didn't ever want them to take my baby out, I wanted to keep him or her in there forever, but I knew I couldn't. Rich stayed so strong for me while I was crying, he was so comforting and so were the nurses..I'll never forget the drive home from the hospital, I was confused thinking, is Rich not upset about this? Then the song Who I Am came on the radio in the car and he just lost it. He broke down crying and I asked him to pull over but he wouldn't. He really wanted to stay strong for me. We spent the next few days telling everyone that we lost our baby (I told everyone I was pregnant right when I found out)... and took it easy that weekend until my D & C. I hated walking into the hospital knowing I'd walk out so much more empty. I'm so glad I didn't have to go alone. It wasn't as hard as I expected it to be, I went to sleep and woke up what felt like 5 minutes later. I just feel I will never have closure. I didn't even get to name my baby. 

We tried to conceive ever since our loss, and didn't have any luck. A few months later, my father passed away and my heart was even more broken. He passed away in June and my due date was nearing in July. I was dreading it so much. I didn't know how I was going to handle it..Well, it was a week before my due date, and I decided to take a pregnancy test for the heck of it and I couldn't believe my eyes. PREGNANT!! Turns out my rainbow was conceived within days of my dad's passing...It's like he he went to Heaven and sent me down an angel. I knew this was a sign, finding out I was pregnant only a week before my original due date! Well, the pregnancy seemed to be forever and it was beyond stressful, I was in constant fear that something would go wrong. But on March 16th I gave birth to a beautiful healthy 8 lb 2 oz baby girl! She was born 9 months to the day, almost the minute, of my dad's passing. If that's not a sign, I don't know what is :)

You can contact Marybeth at MSbrogna@gmail.com