Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Natasha

Mom to a baby lost to miscarriage, May 2009

and Emmalyn, born at 20 weeks on June 19th, 2010

Indiana

We decided that we would not have children for the first five years of marriage. We wanted to have time to enjoy each other and the ability to go to the store late at night…to go to a movie without thinking about it…to just get up and go. We were married in May 2007. Quickly after marriage, our “plan” went right out the window. I caught “baby fever” quickly. Family and friends seemed to be having babies left and right. At one point, there were seventeen people pregnant!  We decided to start trying in April 2008. 

 I went off of the pill in April and we tried to get pregnant with no results except for frustration. I scheduled an appointment for March 2010 to discuss with my OB what our options were for our apparent fertility issues. Two days before that appointment I discovered that we were pregnant. I had bought a card a year before for him that described how to diaper a baby based on a baseball diamond. I finally got to use this card! I remember him standing in the kitchen repeatedly screaming, “Are you serious?!!” He was so excited. WE were so excited.

Our excitement couldn’t keep us quiet. We told the world. At eight weeks, we saw the heartbeat. What a miracle. At 9 weeks, I started spotting. The baby continued to be fine. I was put on bed rest. At the 12 week appointment, my bleeding had not stopped. It was at this appointment that we learned our baby’s heart had stopped beating. I remember lying on the table in the ultrasound room with my husband holding my hand. We were devastated. I was numb as I had to sit in another room waiting for my doctor to return from delivering a healthy baby. The worst part was when nobody informed him of what had happened. He walked into the room with a big smile on his face, “Still pregnant!?” I remember the look on his face when he saw my tears. He gave us our options. We had a D&C on June 4, 2009. This is where my hatred for the month of June began.

I had depression and a hard time dealing with my loss. I thank God for my husband. He was such a pillar of strength. We began trying to conceive again. I had a test scheduled for February 4, 2010 to see if my uterus was okay and that my tubes were clear. My husband went through semen analysis. Everything appeared to be okay. He had a minor infection that was easily cleared up with antibiotic. We got pregnant literally one week after my  test. We were shocked. I didn’t even think I was pregnant. I did the test and jumped in the shower to get ready for work. I called for my husband to come in and look at it. He stood there for a minute. I told him “it is okay if it’s negative, babe. We have an appointment Monday to discuss Clomid.” “It’s positive,” he said. We went back and forth for a minute about how that’s a cruel joke and how he wasn’t joking. I yanked open the door and saw the +. I immediately cried. I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready to lose another baby. Little did I know what I was saying at that time.

We used extreme caution this time. We did not tell anyone beside family until after 12 weeks. Our pregnancy seemed to be going well this time. At 19 weeks, we went in for our ultrasound to see if the baby was a girl or boy. The baby was a girl. I immediately began describing her nursery on the car ride home. We were leaving for vacation that Sunday. I was going to buy her some dresses and cute clothes. My husband wanted to buy her a stuffed animal. We went on vacation and did just that. Her grandmother bought her a frilly little dress. Her daddy bought her a “princess” sleeper and a little dress. I bought her the cutest sweater and some jeans. We found a stuffed pink turtle that was adorable. We were so excited to get home and put these things in her room.

While on vacation, I noticed an increase in discharge. I called the doctor and they assured me that without other signs that would indicate an infection, this was a normal part of pregnancy. When we returned home I had my usual 20 week checkup. I asked how my urine dip looked. The nurse said it was perfect. I reminded them of my discharge and she told me to go ahead and have the doctor look. I was under no indication how the minutes to follow would forever change my life and my dreams.

The doctor told me that I had painlessly dilated to 4cm. I was ushered over to the hospital and started on meds to stop my dilation. I was taken by ambulance to a hospital for high risk pregnancy in hopes to have a cerclage placed. I was too far. I was informed that I had what appeared to be an incompetent cervix and would just have to allow my body to run its course. I had dilated so far that the risk of a uterine infection was too great. I arrived on a Wednesday. Friday I began to feel terrible. I developed a fever around 7 pm. I was induced and delivered our precious baby girl, Emmalyn Jean, at 12:10 am on Saturday, June 19, 2010.

Justin cut her cord. He smiled as he held her. He told me how proud he was of his little girl. I wasn’t sure whether to smile or cry as the nurse snapped pictures for us to keep. I just held Emmie, that’s what we would have called her, and kissed her head. I told her how sorry I was that my body did this to her. She grasped on to my finger and the other hand grasped my husband’s finger. That was my favorite moment. She passed away shortly before 1:00 am. My husband held her as her little heart stopped beating. We gave her a bath. Her first bath. Her last bath. The nurse dressed her and our families got to come in to say goodbye to a beautiful baby that they never even got the chance to say hello to.

We will try again. So, not only am I the face of loss. My ambition is to be a face of hope. I hope that my story can comfort someone. I hope that I can make a difference. I hope that I can one day be a mom to a living baby. A living baby that I can hold not for just a few minutes, but for years. 

 You can contact Natasha at natashah2003@yahoo.com