Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Michelle

Mother to Juanito 
Born sleeping on December 29th, 2009

Orem, Utah
 

My husband and I have been married for 10 years now. We have 3 living children and one angel in heaven. When our youngest living son turned 1 I decided it was time to add one more to our family. My husband was not as convinced as I was and it took me a whole year to get him on board. We were able to get pregnant fairly easily. We had planned it perfectly. I would be able to teach pretty much the whole year and only have to take off the last month of school. I would get to have the whole summer with the baby and they would be 4 months old before I had to return to work. Things couldn't have been planned better.

About 6 weeks into the pregnancy I got pretty bad morning sickness that lasted all day and on top of that I was exhausted. I had never been this sick with my other pregnancies, but I took it as a good sign that everything was ok. At 13 weeks they found a significant subchorionic hemorrhage. They baby at that point was fine. They reassured me that everything would resolve itself and I could go on to delivery a happy healthy baby.
 

I went in a week later and they found that my fluid had dropped, so they decided to send me to a perinatologist. On December 1st we had our appointment. Everything looked great. The bleed had resolved itself and my fluid was back to normal. They scheduled me to come back in January because of my history and they wanted to follow me closely. We were so excited and ready to chill out and enjoy the holiday season. The Monday before Christmas I had another ultrasound scheduled. My husband decided to come with me because we were hoping to find out the sex of the baby. Well the baby didn't cooperate and on top of that my fluid was low again. The tech was so sweet and told me to come back on the 28th during her lunch break and she would see if she could get a better look at the sex.
 

On Christmas night I was having some really bad pains on my lower left side. I figured that I had overdone it and I tried to relax and soak in a warm bath. The pains lasted the majority of the night and I was not able to sleep. By the next morning they had lessened and I chalked them up to stretching ligaments. On Monday I got up feeling pretty good. I was so excited to be able to find out the sex of the baby. My husband wasn't able to take the day off, so I decided that I would surprise him with a little gift when he got home.
 

I knew immediately when the tech started the ultrasound there was something wrong. I had no fluid and the baby was not active like he normally was. It was quickly confirmed that he had passed away. The tech checked 5 times but couldn't find a heartbeat. I was all alone and felt as if my world had come to an end. It still took me almost 2 hours to get hold of my husband to tell him that the baby had passed. That day was kind of a dream for both of us or should I say nightmare. We told the kids as soon as my husband got home from work. My oldest took it pretty hard. He is my sensitive boy. My middle was a little confused at what was happening. It hit her when I came home without a baby. I think both of the older kids were hoping that it was a mistake and I would come home to tell them everything was ok. My poor little boy just started crying because everyone else was and he thought the doctor had hurt me.
 

I'm so glad that I I had these three beautiful kids to come home to. They have helped both my husband and I to heal quicker and distract us from times that could be harder. My mom came up to help support both my husband and I and to stay with the kids when my mother-in-law had to go to work. I am so thankful she did. It is always a blessing to have my mom here to help me through the difficult times. I also had my bishop and his first counselor come over and give me a beautiful blessing. Afterwards I felt so much more at peace and I knew I would have the strength to get through this. I slept very soundly through the night and woke up rested and still at peace.
 

At 6:30a.m. on Dec. 29th my husband accompanied me to the hospital to be induced. I had a wonderful nurse named Jill who took amazing care of me and was so patient to answer all my questions. The actual induction didn't start until 8:00a.m and I opted to get an epidural very quickly hoping to feel as little pain as possible. At 12:30p.m. my water suddenly broke and our beautiful angel baby boy was born sleeping on his own. He was absolutely perfect measuring about 8 inches. We decided to name him Juan after his daddy.
 

An hour after he was born I began to hemorrhage because the placenta did not want to break loose. My doctor tried to work on me in the room, but to no avail and I had to be taken back for a D&C. I came out of surgery feeling like I had been used as a punching bag. My whole body was so sore and my stomach was black and blue. Just after I returned from surgery an amazing woman named Melanie from a group called Common Bonds came in and did plaster molds and prints of both his hands and feet. She dressed him and took some pictures of him for us to have along with giving us some other little keepsakes. I am so thankful to have these things to remember our son by.
 

A few weeks after I delivered Juanito we received pathology results from the placenta. It showed that there was evidence of a second hemorrhage or an abruption. I now know with my all my heart that the pain I felt Christmas night was actually the placenta tearing away from the wall of my uterus. Our son was sent back to live with our Savior the night we celebrate the birth of Christ.
 

I feel very lucky for being able to get some answers. I found out the actual cause of death which most women who loose their babies do not. Beside finding out a cause I know this little angel was too perfect to have to come to this earth and endure the many trials we face on a daily basis. He was given his body and then returned to be with our Heavenly Father. He had already proven himself and was truly a perfect spirit.
 

Michelle blogs at http://www.missingjuanito.blogspot.com/

and can be contacted at jymr05@juno.com