Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Mary

Mom to Micah Quinn 
Left too soon on August 18th, 2010

Mesa, Arizona

We were blessed with five children and thought we were "done". So my husband had "the surgery". At first we thought we made the right choice, but that quickly changed. After much prayer God showed us that we had not followed His plan. But what could we do about it? It was already done and we didn't have the money to undo it. Even if we did it might not work. I searched the internet and found that it would be six to ten thousand dollars to reverse our mistake. There was no way. We would just have to live with our mistake and without another child. But we couldn't! I found a wonderful place to do the surgery that was only two hours from home. They had a 96% success rate. Perfect! It would cost $8,200. Not so perfect! I started to save like no other and God made everything fall right into place. It was amazing to watch Him work on our behalf. In only five short months we already had $5,000!

We got a call saying that it would only cost six thousand if we could come the following week. What great news, but we only had five thousand saved. They agreed to let us pay the other thousand the following month and it was all set. The surgery went great and we paid ahead of time. God is amazing!

We wanted to have two more children and were sure it would be one boy and one girl. I had personalized onesies printed for both and bought special blankets for both along with a slew of baby clothes. I was jumping the gun, but I didn't care. If I didn't use the stuff I could just give it away.

After only two months I was pregnant. What a miracle! We were so excited when baby number six came and was a healthy baby boy. We were sure our little girl would be next. I wanted to wait until our new baby boy was one before getting pregnant with baby number seven, but my husband just couldn't wait. It was the cutest thing! He already loved baby number seven so much. I found out we were expecting very early in the morning on August 1st, 2010. I had bought a shiny number seven pendant for my husband for just this occasion. I woke him up and told him I needed to give him his gift. He was a little confused and half asleep, but he quickly figured it out. He was thrilled! We were both thrilled and couldn't wait to meet our newest baby. We were sure it would be a girl, but it really didn't matter either way as long as the baby was healthy. I kept pretty quiet, but my husband shouted it from the rooftops. He was so proud! He wore his number seven with so much pride and showed it to everyone.

We had plans and hopes and dreams for this little one. Our children were so excited to have a new baby coming. Our family was going to be complete. On August 17th that all started to change. I started to have some bleeding and cramping. I called my doctor and he scheduled an ultrasound for the following morning.

That night I went shopping to keep my mind busy. Our tiny baby just had to be okay! I bought a set of newborn pacifiers in hopes that they would later be needed. I was too worried to sleep much that night. I knew what was to come. I hoped against it and didn't want to believe it, but I knew. The next morning I made the trip to the ultrasound office alone because my husband had to take our children to school. They already had my file waiting when I arrived. It was very thick as this was my seventh pregnancy. I joked and said "Can you tell I've been here before?" The woman behind the counter said "Is everything okay?" To that I replied "That's what I am here to find out." She asked me a few more questions and then left me to fill out my paperwork. It was only about a five minute wait, but it seamed like hours.

When I got back there the tech told me to undress from the waist down because she would most likely need to do a vaginal ultrasound since I was only seven weeks along. She first tried abdominal ultrasound, but couldn't see the baby. So she tried the other way. She could see everything. Everything except my precious baby. She saw the sac where my baby should have been growing, but told me that the baby was not measurable. I still don't really know what that means, but all I could see on that screen was an empty black hole. It is a haunting image that is forever burnt into my brain. The tech said that if I am sure of my dates "I should be real worried". She was very cold and medical about everything. The little bean looking baby that I was hoping and praying to see wasn't there. The heartbeat I had been hoping and praying to see wasn't there. My heart was broken because I knew my dates were right.

She sent me up to my doctor's office. They weren't even open yet, but they wanted me to come right up. I tried to hold back my tears as I slowly climbed those steps. It was no use. I had to stop and compose myself before I got to the top. I did, until I saw my very sweet nurse Michelle. She was so kind and caring. She took me into her arms and said she was "so sorry". I thank God she was there. I needed her so much at that moment. She told me what I needed to do and asked if I needed anything. She has since called me about four times and each time she reminds me to call her if I need anything at anytime. She is a true blessing. After I left the office it was off to get my blood drawn to see exactly what was going on. We already knew, but we needed the blood work to be absolutely sure. The next day I waited for the call. It took most of the day so I called the office. They put me right through to Michelle. She told me that my HCG levels were at four thousand and something. I don't remember the exact number. They were a little low, but still in the normal range so we couldn't tell yet. So two days later I was back at the lab and then the dreaded wait.

On Monday my worst fears came true. My levels had gone down to three thousand and something. Sorry, I don't remember that exact number either. All I knew is that it meant that my baby was gone. My heart was broken and I couldn't catch my breath. I would never get to see my baby in a fuzzy ultrasound, feel their kicks or even know if I lost my son or my daughter. I would never be able to hold this precious baby and take pictures of this baby. I would never smell my baby's sweet smell or touch their soft hair. The life I had planned with that baby was gone. My family would never again be complete here on Earth. One of my children would forever be missing. We had a girl's name and a boy's name picked out, but we couldn't use either one to remember our baby by because we would never know if it was a boy or a girl. We only had the nickname Tiny Baby which is what we called the baby in the short time that I was pregnant.

It just felt like we had nothing to remember our baby by, not even a name. Our baby was gone so early that we had nothing except a number seven charm, two unused pacifiers and a positive pregnancy test. Not much at all. I ordered a small prayer box with a pink and blue awareness ribbon on the front. That made me feel a little better because now at least I had something to keep with me as a reminder of my baby. I made matching charms with the awareness ribbon on them for myself and each of my girls so that they would have something too. That helped even more, but we were still really bothered by the fact that our baby didn't even have a name. So we decided to name our baby. We picked a Bible name that could be used for either a boy or a girl. That really helped my heart.

Now we had something real to remember our baby by and now my baby wasn't running around Heaven with no name. We will have to wait extra long to find out if "It's a girl" or "It's a boy", but at least we know who our child is. Our very loved and missed seventh child is Micah Quinn. I honor of Micah I have started a blog where I write angel names on blades of grass. If you would like me to write your angel's name please stop by.

Mary blogs at http://micahsgift.blogspot.com/

She can be contacted at blessednotcrazy@aol.com