Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Amanda

Mom to Connor Railton

Stillborn on June 24th, 2009

Kent, WA

Tuesday, June 23^rd 2009, I had noticed some movements in the morning but not as many as my doctor had instructed me to watch for. Around noon I decided we needed to go in yet I had to wait a few hours until my husband could get home with the kids and I could get picked up by my mother.

Once in the ER they started attempting to find the heartbeat via the NST paddles and occasionally they would pick up something they thought was the heartbeat but they could never keep it for long. Then the Doppler came out and the same thing occurred again, so they shipped me off to the ultrasound. The tech went through the ultrasound imaging quickly and when we made a smart comment about Connor still being in there, all she could say was “I’m showing the images to the radiologist”. At that point in time I knew my heart was going to break that night. They wheeled me back up to my room and there my mother and I sat unsure of what was happening until my OB came in and told us that they could not find a heartbeat.

I broke down immediately yet the first things that came to mind was how do I call my husband and tell him this, how do I tell my two girls that their brother is not coming home. I postponed the c-section until around 11:30pm when my husband was finally able to get to the hospital and find my girls a sitter. Connor arrived just after Midnight on June, 24^th weighing in at 5lbs 6oz with a full head of black hair. The cord was wrapped twice around his throat and there were fatty nodules on the placenta (causing the IUGR that the doctors had begun to suspect last week). 

I waited until the day of my discharge to see him, to visit with him unable to really believe until that moment that it had happened. Although my husband and our family had visited him up until that point, I couldn't wrap my mind around it, couldn't understand how what was suppose to be a happy day ended in my family returning to my room with tears in their eyes.

There are few moments that are engraved in my head about those three days, the first the words from my doctor explaining that there was no heartbeat and the second, leaving the hospital empty handed. There is nothing like knowing you just had a baby but leaving with nothing more then a packet of papers and the heartache of what to do next.

We told our two girls that their brother was a star in the sky, so they could always talk to him if they felt scared or worried and to this day they still do.

You can contact Amanda at eastsidefamily32@yahoo.com