Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Jessica

Mother of two angel babies

Riley, confirmed on 2/11/10 at 6 weeks (EDD 9/27/10), D&C 2/24/10

Peyton, confirmed on 8/19/10 at 10 weeks (EDD 3/15/11), D&C 8/27/10

Buffalo, NY

My first angel:

From the time I was a child I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I married my husband Nate a month before my 27^th birthday and a year and a half later, I knew I wanted to try to have a baby. He was skeptical as he is almost five years younger than me. I told him he would never feel ready. In November 2009 I realized I had skipped my period. I got a bunch of negatives on tests and discovered I had only skipped my period because of going off birth control. In January I skipped it again but this time got a BFP (big fat positive)! I was shocked, texted my husband a pic and then had to explain to him what two lines meant (haha). I got a blood test and sure enough it confirmed the results. We told family and soon after that at around 5 weeks we told our church members and friends. I put a “Preggo” spaghetti can up as my Facebook picture and announced it there too because I was too excited to keep this joy a secret!

Soon after I experienced some spotting. I called the emergency line for my doctor's office and they said not to worry too much unless it continued. It stopped within the hour. Three days later it returned I called again and set up an ultrasound to make sure all was well. The day of my appointment before leaving work I went to the bathroom and there was more bleeding and a quarter sized clot in the toilet. I immediately started balling. I composed myself and with blood shot eyes and tissues galore and left for my appointment. My husband met me there and when my name was called I managed to remember how to use the muscles in my legs and I stood up and followed the nurse. I was told to empty my bladder and then come back to the ultrasound room and undress from the waist down. I did so and sat on the table holding my husband's hand and waited for the ultrasound tech to come back in the room. When she did she told me she had to do a transvaginal ultrasound given I was not very far along. We watched the monitor while she made faces and looked at the screen during the ultrasound. Neither of us had any idea what we should or should not be seeing so all her face did was scare us. All she mentioned before leaving the room to get the doctor was that it seemed like I had a heart shaped uterus (I later found it was also called a bicornate uterus).

The doctor came in and upon another ultrasound coldly stated “There is no heartbeat I would not get your hopes up – this is not good! Having a heart shaped uterus could cause further issues. We will do a blood test to check – but do not get your hopes up. We will see you in a week” From the moment he said “no heartbeat” I lost it. I was balling and felt like the word was caving in on me. It was hard to breathe. This was not supposed to happen to me. But it was happening and the blood tests just confirmed our fears. I got a D & C two weeks later as this was a missed miscarriage and my body was not taking care of it. The procedure was easy and all the friends who had had a miscarriage and then had normal pregnancies helped ease my worry. The pain was never gone. I would look up how far along I “would have been” had it not happened. I would wonder why my body did this to me. I will never forget my angel.

My second angel:

Nate and I moved into a new bigger apartment in May which was the plan we had when I originally found out I was pregnant. We decided to go along with the plan since we knew we would try again. Right after moving in I was laid off and went on unemployment. Two months later my period did not come as expected. I took tests and all were negative. We went on a camping trip with my family and a week later when we returned I tested the following morning on a whim. Sure enough to my surprise a BFP! I showed my husband and asked how many lines he saw. He said 3 – I laughed and said no honey there are 2! We were in awe but thrilled. I called my doctor's office and they ordered blood tests to check my Hcg and sure enough it went up! Given my miscarriage history they scheduled an early ultrasound and at 6 weeks 4 days I saw the heartbeat! We were thrilled. We were already further along than the last pregnancy and this time we saw a heartbeat! We thought we were safe.

I had spotting 2 weeks later but it was brown blood and I was told to not worry. Some more spotting a couple days later and this time I was given an emergency exam. The bleeding was outside the cervix and all looked well my uterus felt like it was the right size. They quickly showed me the heartbeat and I felt better. In another two weeks I returned for my first full prenatal visit. I was 9 weeks 6 days and I met with the nurse and gave my ever exciting medical history. She told me I could quickly see the heartbeat with an ultrasound. I did and I was so relieved. The doc was called to surgery so 3 days later I had to return for the actual exam. I came to the visit alone that day as it was routine and I had seen the heartbeat 3 days earlier. The doc did the exam said all looked well and broke out the fetal doppler. I was excited at the prospect of hearing my baby's heartbeat! After ten minutes he still heard nothing so I was scheduled for an ultrasound 30 minutes later. I grabbed a bite to eat and still not worried came back happy to see another glimpse at our baby and to take a pic home for my husband to see. They did a normal ultrasound and saw nothing, I emptied my bladder and returned for the transvaginal ultrasound. Immediately I knew something was wrong. I asked the tech if there was a heartbeat and she confirmed my fear. There was no heartbeat, within the past three days my baby had died. I was balling and sobbing and in complete shock. Why was this happening AGAIN. It was worse than last time because this time I was alone. No one to cry with, no one to comfort me. I was sitting half naked in a room waiting for a doctor to confirm I was carrying my dead child. He came in and he confirmed it. I had another miscarriage. My body was betraying me again.

I came back a week later and the doctor gave me a choice. A pill to make the process happen naturally or another D & C. I wanted the remains tested and also thought I could not handle miscarrying at home or some random department store bathroom. The D & C was 2 days later and my husband took me to the hospital and waited while the surgery was performed. As soon as the nurse asked me to undress I started crying. I couldn't keep it together this time around. Within 6 months I had lost 2 children. Within 6 months my entire life had changed. The doctor saw me before the surgery and asked if I was okay. I told him it was much harder this time around. I was sedated and woke in recovery and less than an hour later I had eaten and left the hospital with my husband. Our baby was gone. My body felt empty and my heart felt heavy. It had happened again. I am full of anger, sadness, and grief. I will never be the same.

The pain will never completely dissipate. I ache for my babies. For the firsts I will never see, for their bodies I never got to hold. Mommy and daddy will always love you! We pray that we will be able to hold one of our children in our arms one day and watch them grow old and have their own children.

One thing is certain: miscarriage has changed me forever.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Jessica blogs at Too Beautiful for Earth

You can contact her at www.jess.heartforchrist@gmail.com