Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Jennifer

Mom to Lucas Benjamin

Lost April 1st, 2010 at 21 weeks

Humble, TX

We were starting all over! Our daughter Jade would be 17 and our son Vincent would be 11 when this baby would be born, but we were so ready. 

 I found out I was pregnant on December 8, 2009. I took another test on December 15 just to make sure! My first dr. appt. was January 7, 2010 and we got to hear that beautiful sound, the heartbeat. All my tests came back great, I was due August 13, 2010 and we were gonna have a baby! I was offered the testing done at 11 weeks for Down Syndrome and we figured why not, I was only 33 but what could it hurt? So we had the ultrasound and blood test and waited for the results. 

About a week later we got a call that our dr. wanted to see us. I knew the news was not what I wanted to hear. The test came back positive for the possibility of Down Syndrome so more testing was to be done. About 2 weeks after that, when I was 14 weeks, I received a more advanced ultrasound with a specialist. She found the same markers for Down Syndrome and recommended an amnio. I had one right then and there and was told I could have tentative results in 2 days. We were on pins and needles. 

We got the call on a Friday that all the tests came back fine, the baby was healthy and it was a boy! I remember bawling in relief, calling my mom & dad. My husband told me I probably scared them I was crying so hard but I was so relieved. 

The next 7 weeks were heaven. We bought baby clothes and toys. On Sunday, March 28 we bought the crib and the car seat. I was due for another ultrasound that Thursday to see how big our baby was getting and check on everything. We went in for the ultrasound and check up, happy and excited to get another glimpse of our baby. We even took our son to that one since our daughter went to the last ultrasound and we thought he would enjoy it. I had the check up first, the heartbeat sounded good, I was gaining the right amount of weight, everything looked wonderful. Then the ultrasound happened. 

I noticed how quiet the technician was and how she kept going over some areas but I really didn't think much of it. Only until she left the room and said she would be right back did I know something was wrong. She came back in and told us the dr. would see us in her office. Our dr. came in and suggested that our son wait in the hall. I had no idea what was going on. She came back in, sat down and just said "This baby is not going to make it. I am so sorry". I said "What? What do you mean?" My husband was asking the same thing, "What?? What are you talking about?" The dr. told us his kidneys were full of cysts  and that he was in heart failure. I couldn't believe it! I just heard his heartbeat!! She told me I could wait for him to go inside me and then deliver or go to the hospital now and I would be induced. I could not believe I had to make that decision. But I knew I could not wait for him to go inside me. He was already moving and to not feel those movements and know he was gone was unimaginable. So I chose to be induced. 

We left the dr. office, through the waiting room with tons of pregnant women in it and went and picked up our daughter from school. Only when we had both our kids in the car did we tell them that their little brother wasn't going to make it. Oh they cried so hard. That was so sad to watch. We went home and I packed a little bag, called my mom & dad and my husband called his parents and we left for the hospital. 

They started me on the medicine at around 6 pm. It was so surreal. I knew I was in labor, I knew he was still alive and I couldn't comprehend what was going to happen to him when he was born. I had him at 9 am Friday morning, after 15 hours of labor. I remember when my dr. told me to push him out, I couldn't. It was like my body wouldn't let him go. It was dark in the room and quiet when he came out. My husband couldn't even watch, he was so broken up. They cleaned him up and handed me my baby. Oh he was beautiful! 1 pound 1 ounce. 9 3/4 inches long. My husband's ears, my lips, his brother's nose. Tiny perfectly formed fingers and toes. Just perfect. I was pretty medicated by the time he was born but I remember kissing his tiny nose and lips and holding him and telling him how sorry I was that I couldn't save him. My husband held him and just cried and cried. Our daughter held him and kissed him and sang "You are my Sunshine" to him. Our son didn't feel comfortable seeing him so we didn't make him. I was discharged that day at 5 pm. with no baby. 

The next few days were a blur, my milk came in, my breasts got engorged, I ran a fever. It was horrible. And the whole time having to make arrangements and pick songs for his memorial.. it was a nightmare. We had Lucas cremated and I brought his ashes home, I couldn't have them away from me just yet. I remember picking up the box that his ashes were in at the Memorial Service and almost collapsing. That was my baby in that box!! This is not supposed to be happening! I was so mad for so long. Now I look at his pictures every day, I talk to him, my kids talk about him.

My husband and I are ready to try again. But that tiny baby boy made such an impression on us. We will always say we have 2 sons, even though we lost one. Lucas Benjamin will live on forever in my mind and heart. I hope he knows how much he is loved and missed..

Jennifer can be contacted at platedude@gmail.com