Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Christine

Mom to Emma Gayle born still on February 5, 2006

Baby Girl Wright Miscarried on March 1, 2010

Fredericksburg, Indiana
 

Many of you have asked " What happened to Emma?" and I had written a story about my loss and have shared it many countless times in hopes that people come to realize that it is my grief journey and that I am here always for those of you who have gone through a loss. You see a loss is not just a miscarriage a loss is your whole world. TO me a loss is a loss no matter how far along you were. Hopes, dreams, love shattered. I want to share it...I think I have been healing through it and I hope that my light will shine in the darkest of days for those who are feeling alone in it.SO here is the story I have shared and I pray it may bring comfort to those who have gone through it, hope for the future and also understanding of who I am today and what I have gone through to get here...GOD IS MY STRENGTH!

Hello. I too am a mommy with empty arms. I was a mommy with a head full of dreams and a heart full of love for my little Emma, yet to be born. But stillbirth, the destroyer of dreams took my whole world away.Here is my story. I feel I need to share it to heal and to reach out to others who have been there or may not be aware of how human we parents are when this happens. I didn't know anything like this even existed. I only knew about people having babies or just miscarrying early in pregnancy. Not losing them later or even at birth. We need to come together to help get the word out on this tragedy that we have had to face. There is not enough research on this horribly devastating issue nor is there any true way to prevent it from happening. We have to come together and also let our friends, family, neighbors, etc know that we were PREGNANT. We had a baby. We can't just act like it didn't happen. It hurts more than they could imagine forever. They just don't know what to say or to do but if we reach out to them and share our stories, maybe it will open some eyes. I know some states don't even give birth certificates or even acknowledge the birth. That is heinous. It seems so unfair. I am human, I had a baby,I hurt, I cry and there is reason for it. I would like to share my story with you. I will try and not pour out my heart to where you would need Kleenex, but I am human, I am a mommy with empty arms.
 

My first pregnancy. Wow. I was so excited. It was a girl and she was healthy and things were going great. She was active and had a lot of hiccups every day and most of the time it was all day long. I had prayed for red curly hair...but I had heard that if the mom has the hiccups then they would have a head full of hair. So I wasn't sure why she had them. I never got morning sickness and was doing great most of the way through. I had a few times that I had itching and had to take benadryl (which they said was safe...I still took children's benadryl and usually only took a small a sip). I was worried about her and did not want to jeopardize her in anyway. We were doing great.

Around my 7th month, I started to swell. Hands, feet, legs, and face. They weren't too concerned with it. " It was normal." To them I guess. Reading books had me worried still. I kept on them about my swelling. "It was normal." I was 158 when I got pregnant and by the time I had her I was around 215. Normal. But the swelling to me was scary but still was told it was normal. Blood pressure had always been around about 100/70 or lower. It had been fine throughout the pregnancy and no protein in my urine. So finally there we were 4 weeks until her due date, February 16th, asking the doctor to just go ahead and take her. We were ready and she was full-term. He said he wanted to wait and that natural pregnancies were easier to heal from. Still swollen and it was normal. The baby was fine. No unusual things happened.

The next week, we begged him and he said no "we have to wait for the man upstairs to pull the plug." I was happy to hear that. He sounded like a good Christian and I felt better knowing that. Legs, face and hands were huge. I had my baby shower that Sunday and was doing fine. I was tired and was ready. She was slowing down a bit but I knew she was crowded. But when her daddy would get home and she would hear his voice she would kick like crazy. She knew and loved him. The next time we went to the appointment he was surprised that I hadn't gone yet and said everything was still good and we would just wait it out. No dilation, no contractions. By then we had two weeks left. That appointment was on Tuesday. I was just so ready and frantically preparing the house for her.We wanted her home. It was time. What we waited so long. The little hands and the little feet to kiss. I was ready for the breastfeeding, the play times, the bath times, everything you dream about.

No activity yet. I just stayed busy getting things ready. Her room was ready, clothes and blankets washed, crib ready, beautiful and awaiting our baby girl, Emma. Everyone loved her. She had clothes all the way up to 12-18 months and 2T. Toys, books, stuffed animals, and even a two-piece bikini with hearts on it. (Daddy said leave that in the back of the closet) But I though about her little chunky legs (if she were built like me) and her bottom hanging out the sides when she would wear it. Dreams. Excitement. We were ready for our little girl, the one we talked to, (I used to just talk to myself when I was alone and found myself talking to her more and more),the one we knew before she was conceived, our love, our life. Our angel.

And Then on Saturday morning of the same week, my husband called and asked me if I was doing okay. How I felt, were there any contractions, etc. I said no. But then he said "some thing's not right. I feel like something is wrong." After I got off the phone with him, I thought whoa, I think he maybe right. I was still in bed and usually she was active all day long and especially around the time that he called because while I would sleep he would reach over and tap on my belly so she would kick back. That was their Daddy and Emma time. If would wake up he would tell me to be quiet or be still. I guess they were still communicating. Ha ha.

I got out of bed and ate something and laid down. An hour passed and nothing. I walked around a bit and noticed she wasn't moving. I went into the nursery and sat down in the rocking chair and talked to her and tapped on my belly so she would move. But nothing. I cried out to God and Emma and said please kick the crap out of me. I need you to move. Still nothing. It was silent and I was scared. I frantically called my doctor's office. I got a nurse's aide. She would call me back. It seemed like forever since my husband had called. I called him back and told him she wasn't moving and that I was waiting for the doctor to call back. I got in the bath to cleanup in case I needed to get to the hospital.

While waiting the phone rang and it was the doctor on call. She said get to the hospital immediately.Well, I was an hour away. I wanted to go to another one and she told me not to because they couldn't deliver anywhere but there. I got out of the bath and was out the door. I barely remember it being cold and snowy outside. I didn't even clear off my windshield. I think I made it there in less than 35 minutes. They whole way there I was frantic and praying and crying. Cussing people to move out of my way and praying that a cop wouldn't pull me over. It was almost a blur when I got there. I had to give them all my information at the hospital again and that seemed like it took forever.

Finally I went in the room. I was so scared and disbelieving that anything was wrong. I thought a few times that she was moving. But it was my mind making me think that. She got me in a gown and put the heart monitors on my belly. Nothing. She moved them around almost frantically.Nothing. I told her Emma hated those things on my belly and if she were going to find a heartbeat she would've found it already or she would've kicked it. She insisted on finding it. I was devastated and in shock. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. To us, to our baby. Then she said I can't find it but I want to look at the ultrasound. She wheeled it in and another nurse joined her. They both looked panic-stricken and moved it all over my belly.

Nothing. Not one movement. Not a heartbeat. Nothing.She was gone. Then the shock set in and I told the nurse to call my husband for me. The doctor came in and said she was so sorry and that there wasn't even any fluid in the placenta. Once my husband got there,that was about all I remember. She told me I would have to deliver. I thought, "No way. Take her c-section, I can't do this. I can't see her.

Then I felt so angry for thinking that. She is our baby. Our Emma Gayle.The one we knew before she was conceived and I waited for her for nine months. I had to do it. I was her mommy. I am a mommy. I don't remember much after he got there and told me that. So from Saturday when I got to the hospital until Sunday morning...it was a blur. I didn't remember that some of our friends and our families were there until later on. It just seemed so unreal. It was Superbowl Sunday. We joked about that. That I would be in labor on Superbowl Sunday or Valentines Day. I'd be in the other room pushing and everyone else would be watching the game. Unfortunate it was that day.They had given me magnesium sulfate, a drug used to prevent seizures. My blood pressure was extremely high. I could have hurt me too. I had no idea about this condition, preeclampsia. It was the reason she as gone. They were sure of it.
 

They had given me the cervix ripening medicine and said it would take a while for it to work. I guess I was so drugged up that I didn't even remember getting my epidural. I wanted to give birth but I didn't want to feel the contractions. I remember hearing "she's 8 cm dilated; she can push when she wants to". I did. Then I started to feel the contractions on my right side. The anesthesiologist took about 30minutes to finally get me numb. He almost took it out to put t in another one so that I would be numb. But in the back of my mind, I was glad I felt them, I was giving birth to my baby. I think it took over an hour or so. I remember them saying that they had to use the suction because there was not any fluid in the placenta to help get her out. It hurt my feelings when I heard that, I was too devastated after that.
 

She arrived at 12:08on Feb 5, 2006. Absolutely beautiful. 5 lbs 8 oz, 18 3/4 inches long.Small weight possibly from the preeclampsia. She even had the red curly hair I prayed for. She was so beautiful and so precious. I kept waiting for that cry. But it didn't come. The doctor and nurses stretched and examined the placenta and it coincided with the preeclampsia in the fact that there were tears in it. So we didn't do an autopsy. I couldn't do that to her too. My husband was by me from the beginning of it all. My mom and sister joined us in the delivery room.
 

Everyone was so sad. Why? She was here but was gone too. The baby everyone was waiting for was finally here. Everyone who wanted to saw her and held her. She was their little angel Emma too. I could tell it hurt them and that some of them didn't want to hold her. I got upset and then not. She was my baby. The one we all were waiting for. Hold her. Love her. She is finally here. I was proud of her and I wanted her to be loved on too.
 

I guess I was still drugged and in shock because my emotions were weird. I was so sad and so worried about everyone holding her, I didn't check out her fingers, her toes, her body, etc. I cried a little bit, stared at her some but never really let out my emptiness and my pain until we were home. But I held her, loved her, missed her, and cried. My husband held her the majority of the time.She was daddy's girl. She looked like daddy too. Our whole world was turned upside down in such a quick moment. She was here but already gone. I couldn't handle that. I just couldn't believe it all.
 

Let me tell you briefly what the hospital did for us. I can't even sum it up briefly. They were the best of the best. They set aside a room adjoining mine for all our friends and family to be in. Allowed as many people in my room as I felt comfortable. When Emma was born, they let us keep her for as long as we needed to. They allowed grandmas to give her a bath and dress her in her outfit. Took pictures with the digital camera they have. Sent her hospital picture away to be developed. Gave us a hand print on a card, numerous footprints, a bible, a small teddy bear, her bracelets, locks of hair, etc. Later on we got birth certificates from the hospital. There were two pastors who had come to be with us and give our families and us information on grieving and the loss of a child. The nursing staff was so loving and caring. They sat with us and cried with us, and just gave of themselves like no other. I was so happy with them that I made sure before I left the hospital that I personally commended the hospital staff to the Nurse manager. They still have kept in contact and pray that we are there sometime soon with her little bother or sister. I will tell you the hospital name, Baptist Hospital East in Louisville Kentucky. If I had A million dollars I would let them be known world wide for what they did for us.
 

We buried our little Emma Gayle on February 9, 2006. It was the hardest thing to ever go through in life. It just seemed so wrong that I was burying my daughter. And to the day, she would have been 5 months old, and it hurts just as much as the minute they told me she was gone. It gets easier, but then you could fall back again. I know where she is and I find peace in that but I will forever miss those little kicks, hiccups, dreams,bath time, kissing her fingers and toes and watching her grow. I know heaven will be the only place she will ever know and that Jesus will hold her until we do, but the only place she will ever be to us is in our hearts and minds forever. We love you Emma Gayle Wright. Born to be an Angel.
 

Please do not hesitate when you think that something is wrong to call your doctor. If you have to go to the hospital. Get checked out. Don't forget to count the baby's kicks everyday. Make sure to ask what your blood pressure is and if there was any protein in your urine. Please love your baby. Take care of you completely. You are carrying your future, your heart. You made the decision to be pregnant and that means allowing your baby to grow up carrying your heart on their sleeves. Believe me, and I am being sincere about this, you do not want to be a Mommy or Daddy with empty arms. Please love and cherish life and your little one growing inside, because in the blink of an eye, all your hopes and dreams can betaken from you. It hurts everyday and all day long. I cry every day. I miss her everyday. I will for the rest of my life.

There is healing in time and time for healing. This time is now. I love her now just like then, always and forever until we meet again.

I have a 2 1/2 yr old whom I had to do shots and weekly ultrasounds with to get her here. But my next topic is of miscarriage.

I lost a little girl at 10 1/2 weeks on March 1, 2010. I knew that I was pregnant 3 weeks before I was due to start. I know it sounds crazy but GOD does this in my life. When I took my first test it was faint (it was one week before I was due to start) I finally went in and had blood work done and the numbers were low. I repeated the test that same week and they tripled. YAY! Excited...kind of. I never really could get excited.

Things just didn't seem right. We did an early U/S at 6 weeks and found just the gestational sac. So the dates and numbers were off. We all just decided I was very early. My OB wanted to see me again each week and I opted not too. With a 2 1/2 yr old it would be hard to continue to do so. She went the first time and she was excited over the "baby". As time went on my morning sickness stopped and I just had a BAD FEELING about it all. I wanted this baby but just couldn't get excited.
 

At eight and half weeks I called and said OK it doesn't feel right can we do an u/s. So we went in, there was my baby, heart was beating and she looked fine....except..... there was fluid in her chest cavity. may not be anything wrong they said. I knew right away there was something wrong. I did my shots for weeks and everything I knew I should and still felt horrible about this. I went to a Fetal Maternal doctor after announcing to all my family that I was nine and half weeks pregnant and that I needed lots of prayers.
 

At ten weeks I was due to see the doctor for another u/s. No more morning sickness all week and I knew she was gone. I just knew it. I cried the entire way there, I was alone. I got there and they were behind. It seemed like forever before I got in there. There were two U/S techs in there and they were so quiet. I studied their faces and I knew that something was wrong. I fought the tears. They got up and said it would be a few minutes before he came in. I watched the clock..it took 5 hours it seemed like for 20 minutes to go by. Then in came the Doctor Soleman, I knew. She was gone. I remember that face from losing Emma. When they couldn't find a heartbeat. Same one. He showed me the u/s screen. How transparent she was. showed me her whole anatomy and talked about not having morning sickness, Tears were rolling...I knew she was gone. After 15 min he said the dreaded words..."I am sorry but I do not see a heartbeat" and as professional as he was being...he cried too. So we decided to wait for my OB to make the next call.
 

I would have a D&C on Wednesday because of having a c-section and a little one at home it was better for her not to see the blood of a natural way if the body expelling her. I left and just lost it. I was alone. She was gone and I would have to carry her for days to come. I hated it and it felt so horrible. But I knew all along and I believe GOD was preparing me for it weeks before I was to see and hear that news.

It has been the worst few months of mylife. I thought that having gone through a stillbirth @ 38 weeks would help prepare me for this...but it hurts worse. I found out that somethingdid not form well with the heart so I tell everyone that she died of abroken heart. And yes I found out it was another girl. I didn't name her. I should have but we just called her Baby Girl Wright.
 

I sit here writing this with a flood of tears. This is cleansing to tell my story of my girls who too soon have gone to heaven. My due date was October 4th. But I would have been delivered no later than 38 weeks. So pray for me this week. It hurts sooo bad. But I am the face of Stillbirth and miscarriage and I am a very proud mother of angels. No one will ever take that from me. I love them with a hole in my heart because when they left they both took a piece of it with them. God be with us all and NEVER FORGET our babies...ever.

I am here always..I find strength in sharing and reflecting on them. Please feel free to share with me and ask me anything. We all are a part of this club that no one ever wants to be in but I am thankful that God has allowed this to be because only we can relate to one another and we allhave a very special bond for life...our angels. Thank you for listening to my stories of loss and enduring pain. God love you!
 

Christine can be contacted at clegw@blueriver.net