Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Carla

Mom to Miscarriage at 10 weeks, May 2001

Miscarriage at 6 weeks, November 2001

Delia lost to Anencephaly May 30, 2010

Kent, Ohio
 

My husband and I will celebrate our 10 year anniversary in January. Our first year together we lived through 2 miscarriages. A missed miscarriage at 10 weeks in May, and another miscarriage in November at 6 weeks. We were worried that we would not be able to have children so we asked for tests to find out what was happening. I was diagnosed as having a MTHFR mutation and lupus anticoagulant disorder. We were told a daily shot of heparin should prevent any further problems. We were terrified to try again... so we waited, and then 4 years later and lots of needles in my belly, we had our first child. Sophia was born healthy and perfect after the longest 9 months I could imagine. Another 4 years and a switch to Lovenox, we had our second little girl, Polly.

In January 2010 we decided to try for a third, feeling less afraid. At our 20 week ultrasound we left our appointment in complete shock. Our doctor informed us that our baby girl had a fatal birth defect and her chances of survival were zero. Her neural tube did not close. Her brain and top portion of her skull never developed. I saw it clear as day on the ultrasound... a perfect little body and then nothing... absolutely nothing above her eyebrows. She had a brain stem which is enough to sustain a heart beat while in utero.

We were given choices at our ultrasound. We were told we could either surgically remove her (D&E), induce and deliver her or do nothing and wait until she died. Inducing meant she could either be born still or be born alive for a short time... We were told the prognosis was the same for waiting.. born dead or born alive for a few minutes to a few hours. At the time, I didn't feel like I could make the decision at all. We went home. The next day we had a picnic and I threw up my lunch. I was still sick with morning sickness. Over the next two days we decided the best plan for everyone in our family was to induce and prepare to bury her instead of bring her home like we had been planning, praying and hoping for the past 5 months.

The next day I was admitted to the hospital…. By 1am I was in labor, 22 hours later Delia was in my arms. Both Sophia and Polly were born by c-section. I will never forget the feeling of pushing through tears, only to hear a silent room. She was stillborn at 11:20pm on Sunday, May 30th. She weighed a tiny 11 ounces and was 8 ½ inches long. I have never seen such tiny finger and toes.

I did not look at the top of Delia's head when I was holding her. I asked the nurse to please bandage her up.... instead she put a beautiful tiny knitted hat on her. Her body was perfect. Her face, almost exactly like her older sisters... I only saw my daughter as whole. As perfect. We held her for a few hours and left the hospital with a painted box, imprints of her hands and feet, a pink hat and blanket. I miss her every single day and wish more than anything that I could hold her again.
 

Carla blogs at http://athomeinohio.blogspot.com

and can be contacted at supastarry@gmail.com