Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Cally

Mom to Baby Boy lost July 26, 2007

and Serenity Morgyn 
July 11th, 2010

Talladega, Alabama
 

July 2007, I had been on what I thought was my period for about 2 months. I didn't think much of it because I have irregular periods. One day I started cramping really bad. Shane called the ambulance and I was taken to the ER. To make a long story short I was pregnant, and having a miscarriage. They did a DNC and cleaned me out. I was devastated. I had never thought about becoming a mother before, but this changed the whole game. I had been pregnant- and didn't even get to have my baby! Life was NOT FAIR!

Fast forward 3 years later, July 10th 2010. It had been a wonderful day, except my boyfriend, Shane, had to work which was nothing new. Six months pregnant, and loving every second of it. I spent most of the day talking to my baby, a girl named Serenity. She was my world and I loved ever second with her in it. I loved every move she made, and I was loving the fact she was a SHE. At some point during the day I made a picture for her using the “Paint” application on mine, and everyone else in the world’s computer to put as my desktop wallpaper.

I was so excited about finally becoming a mother. I went on with the rest of my daily routine as normal. When Shane got home from work we made our trip to the REDBOX and I was noticing the whole way there Serenity was very active, kicking hard in the lower regions of my body (if you know what I mean). I didn’t think much of it except it was annoying and she was going to end up being a soccer player when she got older. We made it home with our movie, and Serenity finally started to calm down a bit. Sherlock Holmes starring Robert Downey Jr, Jude Law, and Rachael McAdams. We watched the movie, got finished with it about 9:00pm. Shane had to work the next day so after the movie he talked to Serenity, told her he loved her, gave her a kiss and kissed me, then rolled over to go to sleep. By that time I had started cramping, which I tried to pass of to be Braxton Hicks (and was complaining about them on twitter). I just could not for the life of me get comfortable.

I kept tossing and turning in the bed, keeping Shane awake. He turned over to me and asked me if I was okay and if I needed him to take me to the hospital. I told him yeah I was okay, I was cramping but it was probably growing pains or Braxton Hicks (I figured it was probably about time for them to start at almost 26 weeks), and I was going to take some tylenol and soak in the tub to see if they would let up (I didn’t want to go to the hospital and them tell me I was dumb, it was just braxton hicks and send me home). He told me if I needed him to yell for him.

I went and run some hot bath water, got in the tub and sat in it. As soon as I sat in the tub it was like instant relief. My relief was short lived though. I started feeling like I had to.. um, go? So I went and sat on the toilet and nothing. I took some stool softener that I had ok’ed by my Dr, thinking I was just constipated and got back in the tub. From that point on I was back & forth from the tub to the toilet. The last time I sat on the toilet, I had a sensation that felt like something coming out of me, and I felt down there to make sure but there was nothing there at the same time I threw up everywhere. In the full bathtub, in the floor, on myself. I sat there for what felt like 5 minutes before I actually processed what had just happened, then I screamed at the top of my lungs for Shane.He was up from a deep sleep and in the bathroom where I was in .02 seconds. If I hadn’t been in so much pain at that point, I probably would have been a little bit more worried about brushing my teeth, and getting cleaned up before we left, but all I could do was lay in the fetal position in the hallway. Shane took less than 5 minutes to get clothes on and grab his keys and help me up off of the floor and down the steps of our porch to the car. I laid down in the back seat of the car, because I could even sit up long enough to get to the hospital.

The drive from Lincoln to Talladega took about 5 minutes, Shane talked to me the whole time. I told him to hurry up, but don’t get pulled over, and he assured me we were going to get there as fast as we could.

The whole way there went something like this:

ME: “What time is it?“

SHANE “XX:XX”

ME: “What time is it now?”

SHANE: “XX:XX”

My contractions were 1 minute apart the whole way there.

We pulled up at Citizens Baptist Medical Center and Shane helped me into the Emergency Room, and there was nobody at the receptionist desk. The ER was full so I was thinking -CRAP! This is going to take forever! A woman waiting in the ER told Shane to just go on back and find somebody, and a very short time later Shane came back through the door with a man pushing a wheelchair. As the man proceeded to push me to L&D Shane told him that he had parked in the tow-away zone and he needed to move his car before A.) they towed it and B.) an ambulance came. He told Shane that while I was being hooked up to monitors and being checked he needed to wait in the waiting room anyways.

I got up to L&D and the nurses were asking me all kinds of questions (it all happend so fast so I don’t really remember any of them.) They got me in a room and in a gown and onto a bed. Hooked me up to the monitor that measures the baby’s heartbeat, and the one that measures contractions- but they never paid any attention to them after that.

The woman checked my cervix, and her eyes got real big and said “There’s a head!” I told her it wasn’t possible, it was too early.She just looked at me and said “You’re having a baby today!”
Shortly after Shane walked into the room and said “Whats going on?”I told him “We’re having a baby today”He said “No! It’s too early!”And I told him “I know, that's what I said!
 
At that point Shane was on my right side holding my hand, and a nurse was on my left side coaching me, telling me DO NOT PUSH. I remember one of the nurses saying something like “If you keep pushing I am going to lift you up by your feet where you can’t push” I was trying to tell her I couldn’t help it if I was, there was so much pressure down there it felt like I was pushing when I wasn’t. I asked for some pain meds, but they told me that I was too late into labor that if they gave them to me now it would get to the baby. The longest part of that night/morning was waiting for the ON CALL OB/GYN, Anesthesiologist, and Pediatrician to get there.

When they all three finally got there it was time. The OB came in and checked me, and broke my water only to discover that head they felt earlier was really a butt. She was breech. I was fixing to give birth to baby who was 3 months early, and breech with NO pain meds!

The Doctor had to put both of his big man hands inside of me and help her through the birth canal. Telling me to push. The whole time they are telling me to push I am saying “HOLD ON I CAN’T! WAIT!” they told me they couldn’t wait because they needed to get her out and get her stable. So I just pushed. Pushed harder than I thought I ever could screaming the whole time, finally I felt her come out. I probably broke Shane, and the nurse’s hand in the process, but the only thing I was worried about was Serenity’s safety. My baby had arrived at 1:12am on July 11th 2010.

They rushed her straight to the other room where they called the hospital with the NICU in Birmingham, Al and made sure they were on their way. After all night of trying Shane we finally got in touch with some family & friends to let them know what was going on we finally did, all at once it seemed. Shane’s mother rushed up there as soon as she found out.

The NICU team finally got there and got her stable and before they left to go to the NICU they brought Serenity into the room to see Shane and I. She was all I could focus on even though they had me signing all kinds of consent forms, I told them to do whatever they had to do to keep her alive. Through all of the cords and things they had her hooked up to, I could see her little eyes looking at me, and her little foot just a moving. She was gorgeous.

At about 6:00am they left the hospital and exactly 7:13 (I still have it in my call log) I got the call that they had made it safely to the hospital, that Serenity was stable at that moment and they told me to call every so often to check on her, but not so much that it would take away from her care. They also told me that when I got out of the hospital if rather than driving an hour everyday to see her we would like to stay up in Birmingham, they would put us in a L&D recovery room free of charge.

At exactly 8:36am I was in the bathroom and my phone rang, I told Shane to answer it and put it on speakerphone so I could hear what the Dr was saying. The doctor told Shane that she coded and they tried to revive her for over an hour with no luck. There was nothing else they could do. As soon as I heard that I ran out of the bathroom and got on the phone. Shane and his mother were crying, but I couldn’t even muster up a tear. I was in pure shock.

The man told me word for word what he had just told Shane and I just sat there calmly and listened. He put a NICU nurse on the phone and she was crying to the point that if I hadn’t been listening so intensely, I wouldn’t have been able to understand her. She assured me that they did everything they could do, and informed me that they could take pictures of her and send them to me. I agreed, that is what I wanted.

A few hours later, when some family and friends arrived to sit with me so I wouldn’t have to be alone, Shane and his mother went to the hospital with the NICU. They sent me pictures from the NICU and text me how beautiful she was. While they were gone I had a bunch of visitors bringing gifts, and bunch of awkward silences. Nobody knew what to say. I didn’t even know what to say. I was heartbroken.
 
Finally everyone left the hospital, (I am not sure of the exact time or even what hour in the day it was) I sat there by myself and just cried, and cried, and cried. For what feels and probably was like hours.
Shane and his mother finally returned from the hospital carrying all kinds of goodies that the NICU had sent to us, and with more visitors, and more awkward silences.

Nothing eventful happened that night. Just crying. A lot of crying between Shane and I.

 The next day about 10am I got released from the hospital. Shane and I carried all the stuff we had accumulated at the hospital to the car and headed home. When I got home I cleaned up the mess I had made before we had went to the hospital took a shower and shortly thereafter Shane’s mother took us back up to the hospital in Birmingham. When we got up there they had her all ready for us, wrapped up in a blanket, with a cute little knit hat handmade, probably by some little old ladies. I sat there holding her and rocking her giving her kisses and telling her how much I love her. Soon, the hospital chaplain arrived, and baptized her.

 A few weeks later I went to my postpartum appointment with my doctor- she was upset she was on vacation when all of this happened. She told me that if I were to get pregnant again, she would refer me to a high risk specialist in Birmingham for the duration of my pregnancy. I would be on bed rest the whole time and see the doctor once a week.

I am going to end my story by NOT ending my story, and maybe one day with medical intervention I will have a few (just one would be nice for now) happy and healthy rug-rats running around. But no matter how many children we have here with us, our other two children will always be in our hearts.

Cally blogs at http://serenitysmommy.tumblr.com/ 

and can be contacted at punkangel31590@yahoo.com