Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Brandi

Baby #1 miscarried on August 6, 2006

Baby "Daisy" missed miscarriage discovered on November 19, 2009

Leni Grace born sleeping on May 18, 2010

Herrin, Illinois

Please take a minute to learn about our angels.

On August 1, 2006, my husband and I were out of town and we found out that I was pregnant with our first child. We were so excited. Brad had flowers delivered to our hotel room and we celebrated by eating out at a fancy restaurant. I called my OB at home and he scheduled our first appointment in two weeks. We were so excited and were telling everyone-even the taxi drivers!

I had been cramping some but everyone said that was normal. On Saturday August 6th, we got home and I was cramping pretty bad. I called my OB and he said to lay around and come in on Monday for an ultrasound. The next day, I was cramping worse and that afternoon I went to the bathroom and there was a lot of blood. We went straight to the ER and found out that we were probably having a miscarriage. My OB was called and tests were scheduled for Tuesday. I was to go home and not leave the couch until I came in on Tuesday. When my Dr walked in on Tuesday I knew that it was over.
 

Our first baby had went to heaven five days after we learned we were having it. We were devastated. I had five blissful days of pregnancy but I learned all too soon that a positive pregnancy test was not a guarantee of a baby.
 

On October 27, 2006 we found out that we were pregnant again. We were excited but also so nervous. My OB ordered blood work every other day for a week and then an ultrasound at 7 weeks. At 7 weeks we saw the beautiful sight of a heartbeat. We were so relieved and our OB told us that after seeing a heartbeat, the risk of miscarriage drops so we relaxed a little. That pregnancy went uneventful and resulted in our beautiful little boy, Nate born on July 3, 2007.
 

On October 8, 2009 we learned that we were pregnant again. Again, we were so excited but also nervous. We had one baby and had lost one baby. Again, my OB ordered blood work every other day for a week and an ultrasound at 6 weeks. At 6 weeks, we saw the beautiful heartbeat and we were elated! We were told again, that the risk of miscarriage goes down tremendously after seeing the heartbeat and that a lot of women lose their first pregnancies but go on to successful pregnancies after that. Nate had told us that he was having a sister and that we were going to name her “Daisy”.
 

I was so sick and my OB said that was a good sign of the baby growing well. Everything look good on the ultrasound. The baby was measuring a few days small but nothing looked out of the ordinary. My first appt came and went without concern and on November 19th I went in for my 10 week appt. This was the one where we should hear the heartbeat with the Doppler. My OB was unable to find the heartbeat but was not concerned as I was only 10 weeks. He asked if I wanted an ultrasound and of course, I did. I called my husband and told him that he needed to come to the office because I was scared that something was bad wrong.
 

As soon as he turned the ultrasound on, I knew. There was no heartbeat and the baby had stopped growing some weeks before. I had a D&C the next day on November 20, 2009. We were heartbroken. There were complications and I ended up needing a second D&C three days later. We now had more babies in heaven than babies here with us.
 

On February 15, 2010 we again learned that we were pregnant. Again, our feelings were mixed between excited and nervous. My OB had me come in that day to start blood work and also to start taking progesterone. We had blood work every other day for one month and many ultrasounds. We were being monitored much closer this time. At six weeks we went in and got to see the heartbeat and saw that the baby was measuring right where it should be. At eight weeks we went in and again saw the heartbeat and again the baby was measuring right where it should be. We cried tears of joy. At ten weeks I went in very nervous to hear the heartbeat. Everything had looked great up until this point but in the back of my mind I was reminded of the last baby that we had lost at this same time. As soon as they put the Doppler on my stomach I heard that beautiful sound of a heartbeat!
 

I was so excited and again cried tears of joy. At 12 weeks we went in for another ultrasound and it finally looked like a baby. I was amazed at how much it looked like a baby. Every thing was formed. We were able to see eyes, ears, nose and a mouth. We were able to see two arms and two legs each with ten fingers and ten toes. The baby sucked its thumb and did flips the whole time. Our OB commented several times on what a beautiful baby it was. We tried to see if we could tell what we were having but the baby did not cooperate. We would have to wait until our next ultrasound.
 

My OB let me lay there and watch our baby for a full hour. I will always treasure that time that I got to spend watching our baby dance around. My OB felt that we were out of danger at that time and we were dropped to low risk. We were finally out of the first trimester. At 15 weeks we went in and got to hear the heartbeat again. I had started feeling movement that week as well. That is the best feeling in the world and our active little baby was allowing me to feel it dance around every day.
 

On Thursday, May 13, 2010 the baby was so active. I even called my husband and told him that that baby was moving around so much and I loved being able to feel it. I am so glad that I took the time to sit down and really concentrate on feeling the baby move that day. That would be the last time that I would ever feel the baby move. The next day, I noticed that the baby was not moving but I had pulled my journal with Nate and read that there were several days in that time period that I did not feel him move either. Over the weekend there was no movement but I refused to allow myself to think that anything was wrong.
 

On Monday, May 17th, I called my OB and the nurse said that I could come in but not to worry because only feeling sporadic movement at 17 weeks was normal. I told my husband that he did not need to come because everything was going to be fine and I would record the heartbeat on my phone for him to hear when he got home from work. I went in and my OB said that he had already set up the ultrasound so that after we heard the heartbeat I could go in and see the baby moving around. I have wished a thousand times over that that was how it had all worked out. He put the Doppler on my stomach and nothing. Moved it around and still nothing. I started crying and he said that we needed to go to the ultrasound room. As soon as he turned the ultrasound on, I knew.
 

I had just seen that same image six months before. There was no heartbeat. My dr didn’t say anything at first. He just said that he was going to push around pretty hard to try to get the baby to turn for him to see it better. The baby was not moving and I told him that I knew so he could say the words. He had to again say the most awful words that I have ever heard, “I am sorry, but there is no heartbeat”.
 

He said that due to how far along I was I would have to be induced. I was to go to the hospital that night to start the induction. I called my husband and told him the news. I remember he was in such shock and felt horrible that he had not been there too. We arrived at the hospital and was taken up to labor and delivery. They started the induction that night and 14 ½ hours later on May 18th, at 10:44 am, I heard the most beautiful and most heartbreaking words I have ever heard, “Brandi, the baby is out and it is a girl”.
 

They handed me my baby girl and she was so beautiful. Everything was formed. Her sweet little face, and fingers and toes. She looked just like a tiny baby. She was 2 oz and 7 inches long. We were able to hold her and talk to her and baptize her. We tried to squeeze a lifetime of love into those precious minutes. I will forever be thankful that I was able to meet and hold my little girl, Leni Grace.
 

We had a graveside service two days later and the next few weeks are a blur. We had to tell our nearly 3 year old son that our baby had went to heaven again and had to answer many hard questions from him. We had a lot of blood work and test done on both of us as well as on the baby. We went to see a specialist in St Louis but there were no answers to be found. There was no reason found that our perfect little girl or our other two angels have died.
 

I hate that I belong to this club of mothers. I hate that anyone has to belong to this club that no one wants to be a part of. I hate the sympathy looks that people give me. I hate the fact that people change the subject when I say something about my Leni. But, I do love the face that I have a healthy little boy. I love the fact that I got to carry Leni long enough that I could see her and hold her. I have made a vow to my babies that I will never forget them and will forever tell their story. Every baby has a story to tell no matter how long they were with us.

Brandi can be contacted at brandic424@yahoo.com