Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

 

 Betsy

Mom to Baby November

Baby March

and Baby August

Denham Springs, LA

After five happy years of marriage, my husband Jason and I decided that it was time to expand our family.  Boy, were we surprised when I got pregnant immediately!  I got my BFP on a Saturday morning.  We and I were both standing in the bathroom, watching as the two lines began to materialize on the test.  We were nervous but excited!  I called my OB and scheduled my first appointment.  It was basically a consult visit.  I remember sitting in an office to find out what insurance would cover, then having bloodwork drawn.  I signed all sorts of forms.  We left with hospital information packets and formula samples.  We were on Cloud 9!

 
Thursday I started feeling very weepy while I was at work.  I called the OB's office wanting to know my beta levels, basically wanting assurance that things were going okay.  They assured me that if I was getting positive home pregnancy tests, they trusted that I was pregnant and that they didn't take betas unless there was a specific need to.  I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong and I decided to leave work early, stopping at the store to pick up some more pregnancy tests.  When I got home and tested, the line was barely there.  I mean, I had to squint and hold it in the light to see it.  It was definitely disappearing.  My heart dropped and I tried not to worry.  I didn't use first morning urine, this test was a different brand, there had to be all sorts of reasons.  I called my OB's office crying and they sent me for betas to make me feel better.  

My sister drove me to the office for the bloodwork.  When they refused to tell me if anything was wrong, my sister was able to convince them to give me some answers.  A few minutes later they came back with, "Well, you're pregnant, but we won't know your exact numbers until tomorrow."  I felt relieved but decided to call in sick the next day and have a "mental health day."  
 

It turns out it was a good thing I did.  I went to my Mama's house the next day, and as soon as I got there, I started spotting.  We called the OB and they told us to come in for an u/s.  By the time I got to the hospital, it was heavier and I knew I was miscarrying.  An ultrasound confirmed these fears and I was told that my betas had been at 6 the day before.  It was a chemical pregnancy.
Being pregnant and miscarrying really brought out our desires to have a baby.  We started trying again in June of 2009, and found out we were pregnant again on July 3.  
 

I made sure to ask for betas this time and they came back at 18.  This was on a Friday.  I was devastated.  I remembered the "6" and how higher it should have been. I know the numbers vary greatly from woman to woman, but I was convinced I was going to miscarry.  

We left to go on  vacation the next day and I tried to get my mind off of everything.  The nurse called me on Monday while I was on vacation and told me that while my betas were low, there was still a chance this could be the real thing, so she asked me to come back in as soon as I got back in town.  During the week, my face started breaking out and my boobs were hurting badly.  No bleeding yet.  I decided to take another pregnancy and the lines came back so dark!  Jason and I were ecstatic.  This had to mean my betas were going up!  And they did.  Less than a week later, they were over 1000.  We scheduled an 8 week appointment and u/s.

I was so happy to be pregnant!  I was cautious from the first pregnancy, so I tried not to tell anyone but my family, but I have a huge mouth and ended up telling several friends as well this time.  I was so careful to eat healthy and do everything "right."  I picked up a copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and really let myself get excited.  I had researched miscarriages after my first one and I knew there were lots of different kinds and I wasn't out of the woods, but I knew it wasn't a chemical pregnancy this time.  We went to to the beach in August.  I remember swimming in the ocean, thinking about my baby and the life we would have.  My dad singing Beach Boys songs to me "and the baby."  Going to the great outlet mall there but not buying anything because I was about to get HUGE!  Going to restaurants with my husband and talking about how soon we would be a "party of 3."  Everything was so special.
 

Our first appointment with the OB was scheduled the day before school started.  We were so excited to get our sonogram.   The tech tried the external u/s and then switched to internal.  She finally found a small sac.  No baby inside.  They told me to come back in a week, that maybe it was just too early, but I knew when I ovulated thanks to the and I knew that this pregnancy was doomed.  Sure enough, a week later I was diagnosed with a "blighted ovum."  The gestational sac had formed but a baby never grew.
 

I had to make a decision.  I could wait to miscarry naturally or get a D&C.  I chose to wait because school was starting.  I teach Kindergarten and it is so important for their teacher to be there those first few weeks!  We scheduled a follow-up visit for 3 weeks later and at that point, I still had not begun miscarrying so I opted for the D&C.
 

A D&C is not painful physically.  Emotionally it is, but I was given Percocet and spent the next few weeks in a drug-induced haze.  I went back to the OB a few weeks later and was given the green light to TTC again after "one good cycle."  She tested the product of conception for cancer but not chromosome problems.  We did not do bloodwork to find out if anything was wrong because she told us that insurance usually wouldn't pay for it until we miscarried 3 times.
 

This pregnancy really took a toll on me emotionally as I was pregnant for a longer period of time.  I felt very depressed and cried at little things.  Just because I got pregnant easily before did not mean it would happen again so fast.  And if it did, what else could happen?  The innocence was lost.  I knew that from that point on, I could not look at a positive pregnancy test and get excited.  I could not announce anything on facebook.  I could not allow myself to browse baby sites, talk openly about my next pregnancy to anyone but family, or do anything that might make me get excited about bringing a baby home because I knew there was a good chance that my struggle was not over and I couldn't bear the pain of having my hopes crushed again.

We were blessed with another positive pregnancy test the Monday before Thanksgiving.  I decided not to do betas this time because they didn't cause me anything but worry the time before.  We were happy about having a positive test, but we did not get our hopes up.  I did not have any pregnancy symptoms this time besides a missed period.  I also started spotting a little.  It was a "wait it out and see" type of situation. 
 
We set up a 6 week appointment for early December.  It turned out to be one of the best days of our lives-we were able to see a little blob with a strong little beating heart!  I remember us both tearing up and laughing in relief!  We even got a picture to take home and hang on the refrigerator.  The OB reviewed the picture and decided that we were OK to go, and made us an 11 week visit!
 

Our excitement started to build, and so did the morning sickness.  The first time I threw up was while we were decorating our Christmas tree!  I licked a candy cane and that did it, off to the bathroom, where I spent a lot of time over the next few weeks.  I was thankful for every minute of it!  Jason was concerned but I would stand up after throwing up and give him the biggest grin.  I loved all of my symptoms.  It made everything so real!  When I was vomiting more than I was eating, I called the doctor and she put me on Zofran, which helped immediately.  I took them a couple of times a day and it stopped the nausea.
 
I was nine weeks pregnant when I noticed that I was no longer needing my Zofran as much.  I expressed my concerns to my mom and sister, but we all chalked it up to my nearing the end of my first trimester.

My 11 week appointment finally came.  We were led to the u/s room.   She moved the camera around my stomach but we didn't see anything on screen.  She pushed around some more and finally we found our little baby floating around in the sac.  There was no heartbeat anymore.  It was measuring at 9 weeks.  I felt like I was about to explode.  How could this be happening again?!  Jason and I were devastated.
 

I knew right away that I wanted a D&C, but unfortunately, no surgical rooms were available for another week.  I had to walk around an entire week knowing that my little one had died inside of me.  Finally I had my surgery.

I’ve been seeing a RE since my last loss.  I have PCOS as well as hetero MTHFR.   Egg quality is a suspected issue for my losses, but we can't be sure without doing IVF with PGD.  First, we will try fertility meds to help me ovulate earlier, and see if that helps.  I am not responding well to the fertility meds. 

Betsy blogs at http://partlycloudywithachanceofsunshine.blogspot.com/