Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Olivia D.

Ectopic pregnancy Nov.22.2007 7.5 weeks

Miscarriage March 2009 11 weeks

Manteca CA

November 22, 2007 (Thanksgiving that year) started out to be the best day of my life and ended as one of the worst. I woke up excited to get my day started. I was cooking thanksgiving dinner for the first time for my new husband. We had been married for over 8 months. I was on the phone with my mother asking how to make the turkey and the stuffing when all the sudden I sneezed. Didn’t think anything of it since I have allergies and sneeze all the time. But this sneeze was different, after I sneezed my entire left side of my body started hurting like it went numb. I told my mom something was wrong. I might have pulled a muscle when I sneezed. She started to worry and told me to wake up my husband to take me to the hospital. I said I’ll be fine, this has happened before, I just sneezed too hard. So I hung up the phone and went to get up and I couldn’t. My left side was hurting so bad. So I thought “ok, just sit here for another minute and then I will be fine” so I sat back and tried to lean on my side, it made it worse. Then I started getting light headed and my stomach was hurting. So at this time I knew something was wrong. So I started yelling for my husband. He woke up and asked what was wrong so I told him I think I need to go to the hospital something is wrong. So he got dressed and took me. This is when my awesome day turned into my biggest nightmare.


 They finally called me back, took my blood pressure. Did a urine test. Asked me the normal questions. One made me laugh, “are you pregnant?” Really me, Pregnant no way. I had my period TWICE last month. So the doctor ordered a ultrasound. So while waiting for them to bring the ultrasound machine, my mom comes in with a worried look on her face. I tried to make her feel better by joking around. So finally the doctor came in but before he did the ultrasound he tells my mom and husband to step out. He turns to me and said well just got your results from the blood work, you're 7 weeks pregnant. I looked at him and said your lying that’s not possible I had my period TWICE. He said no your pregnant, lets do the ultrasound. I was excited. I thought I wasn’t ever going to have a baby. I told my husband and my mom. They were so excited. I was getting more excited, I get to see my baby for the first time. So I thought. The ultrasound didn’t show anything. So the doctor said oh maybe the baby is still too small for this ultrasound we will do another one. So they took me to this room for a different ultrasound. I started bleeding again. I knew something was wrong. And from the look on the Ultrasound techs. face I knew there wasn’t a baby. I go back to my room when the doctor comes in and has this look of saddness on his face. He looks at me and tells me that I am pregnant but I lost the baby. I’m having what they call an Ectopic pregnancy and that I was bleeding internally. He tells me they need to rush me into surgery to remove my baby. I was so scared but not going to cry for the sake of my husband and my mother. I did what I did best, which was joking around. I didn’t want them to know I was scared. So I kissed my husband goodbye and told him I loved him. Told my mom I loved her and I would see them soon. They rolled me in and I woke up in recovery.

 I didn’t remember a lot after they rolled me into surgery. So my mom told me everything. They had told her I had a gallon of blood they had to remove from my body. They took the baby, but not only my baby, they took my left tube. It had ruptured, that’s why I was bleeding so much and not feeling good. If I didn’t go in when I did I would have died at home from internal bleeding. I had so many emotions going through me. I was angry, I was sad, I was scared. I just wanted to be left alone. I didn’t want to see anyone. I hated the world. The saddest thing is they stuck me in the maternity ward. I had to hear those babies crying, I had to see the babies. I was so angry at my body for failing at the one thing is was supposed to do. I cried everyday while I was in the hospital.

 I lost myself. I pushed the world away. I pushed my friends, my family and even my husband away. I didn’t want to deal with the everyday things life had going on. I was angry. I was depressed. I was letting my marriage fall apart. I just wanted to stay home and melt away. Till one day my husband got tired of how I was and we locked ourselves in our room and we just let everything out. I didn’t know what he was going through. I didn’t know he had cried every night after I would fall asleep. I didn’t know he was angry at the world. He thought he had failed me because he felt something was wrong but didn’t say anything. We cried that night till we both fell asleep. After that I noticed days were getting easier. I was able to get up and smile again. I went to work and actually felt my old self again. I could never forget what happened but I found it easier to move on with my life and my marriage. I realized my life didn’t end when I lost my baby or a little piece of my body. I realized I can love and hope again. My dreams weren’t totally broken. I’m still able to have children. And I live on the strength I gained from this.

A year went by after my ectopic pregnancy. I didn’t even think about trying to get pregnant again. It was actually the last thing on my mind. I was still trying to heal from my loss. Still trying to work on my marriage and my friendships that I let crumble during the darkness of my pain. We celebrated our 1st anniversary. We celebrated holidays. 2008 was a year of recovery. A year of working on myself. At the end of 2008 I told myself ok I think I’m ready to start ttc again. We talked about it but never really said when we wanted to start trying. With 2009 coming so soon we were just getting our plans together for New Years. What would we do, where would we go. New Years came and went. With all the stuff going on I didn’t even notice I missed my period. I didn’t think much of it due to the fact my periods never were normal. But this time I was paying more attention to my body. I didn’t want to go through what I’ve gone through already. So I gave myself a date if I didn’t start by that date I would take a pregnancy test. But I wasn’t feeling pregnant. I was fine. No sickness. No swollen or sore breasts. I had more energy. But that date I gave myself came and went. So I went and bought a test during my lunch break. But didn’t take it. I finished my work day without a thought of it. Until I had a dream and in that dream I had told my friend that I was pregnant. Finally pregnant.

So I woke up at 3:00 am and took the test. (Feb. 06) I already told myself it's going to be negative. When I looked at it I was in shock. Two VERY pink lines. I started freaking out. So I took another one. Again two VERY pink lines. So I called my mom at 3:30 and told her. She started crying. I was crying. I took a picture of the test and put it on my husbands computer and when he got home he turned it on and just sat there staring at the screen. All he could say was “REALLY”. We were so excited. So happy. Finally things were working out for us.

I had my first appointment Feb.15 and I got to see my beautiful little bean. They figured I was still very early into my pregnancy at 5 weeks along. I had to be more careful this time around. I had all the normal tests done. I was feeling great. I told everyone. Everyone was so excited for us. Then I had another ultrasound at 7 weeks. I was in tears. I could see my little bean so nice and clear. I couldn’t believe my body was doing something right for once. I didn’t suffer from the normal pregnancy things. I had no morning sickness. No weird cravings. Just wanted sandwiches all the time. My 2nd wedding anniversary was coming up. We had a ultrasound scheduled for that day. This would be the best anniversary gift to my husband, him being able to see our little bean. So our anniversary came and we went to our appointment. Not only did we get to see our beautiful little bean but we got to see his/her VERY strong heartbeat. It had me in tears. They printed out our pictures and sent us on our way. We went to dinner and just gushed over our beautiful baby. We couldn’t be happier.

Then a week later our world came crashing down. I didn’t feel pregnant anymore. I just knew something was wrong. I just put it as first time mommas fears. So I got ready for work. I was on my way to work when all of a sudden I got this sharp pain and I had to pull over. I started crying. I called my mom she told me to call the doctor so I did. They told me to go in right away. When I got there they checked me, I was spotting. So they sent me to get a ultrasound done. I was so scared. As I was waiting for them to call me in I was cramping really bad. I was bleeding. When they finally called me in I was in so much pain. They did a ultrasound and that’s when I got the news again. I had miscarried. A week away from being 3 months I lose my beautiful baby. I was crying so hard. I had failed. My body had failed. They sent me back to my doctors and they asked me what I wanted to do. They gave me options. I can let the baby pass on its own or I can go in and get a procedure done where the doctors “clean” me out. I just wanted it out of me. I wanted it to be over. I was so angry. I know that sounds terrible and heartless. But I was angry and hurting. I feel terrible about feeling that way now. I set up an appointment. A week later I was in the hospital getting my beautiful baby taken from me. Not only did they take my baby, they took my heart and my hopes.

 I got home from the hospital walked in my door and fell to the floor in tears. I curled up in a ball and just wanted to disappear. I couldn’t stop crying. I cried that whole night. I promised myself I wouldn’t go through that again. I wouldn’t let my body fail me again. I wouldn’t let my heart be broken again. I was angry at myself, I was angry at God. I lost all hopes and beliefs. I didn’t believe in anything anymore. I had hit rock bottom. This was my end. But as much as I was angry I knew I couldn’t put my family or my husband through this again. I couldn’t block them out. I couldn’t do that to myself. So as angry as I was and hurt as I was I picked myself up and asked for their help. Asked them to give me time and to understand I won't be the easiest person to live with. I told my little angel that I’m not forgetting him/her but I have his/her daddy that I need to be here for. That I loved him/her and always will. They will always be part of my life. I closed my goodbyes with a kiss and packed everything I had for him/her in a box and closed it. I closed another sad chapter in my life with a tattoo dedicated to both my angels.

 Here I am a year after my miscarriage. Still think about my two angels I have lost. Still think of the anger I have gone through. The pain I have gone through. I still think about the hopes that I lost. But it has made me a stronger person. A stronger woman. I’m slowly gaining my dreams of being a mother. I’m not sure if I want to go through what I’ve gone through or if I can handle it again if it was to happen. But I know that if I don’t try I just let my fears take over me. I still wake up in tears. I still have my meltdowns. I still get jealous when someone close to me gets pregnant. But I’m working through all that. I’m working on making myself a better and stronger person, so when I do finally get my baby he/she will have my whole heart.

 What makes us cry and causes us pain only makes us stronger. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.