Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Megan

Ella, stillborn at 22 weeks 3 days 10.14.09

Missed miscarriage at 15 weeks 4.6.10

Miscarriage at 9 weeks 8.3.10

Bellingham, Washington

 

On June 5th 2009 I found out I was pregnant, and was so very happy. This baby was so wanted and so loved by me for so long. Things went well, until late July 2009 when I found out that I had thyroid cancer and would have to have surgery while pregnant to get it removed. I was told we would do it after I reached my 2nd trimester when it would be the safest for me and the baby. On September 21st just 2 days before I was going to have surgery I went in and had my 20 week ultrasound to see how baby was doing....She was so healthy and perfect, and a girl!!! I couldn't have been happier.

On September 23, 2009 I went in for my surgery. In the end I came out of it alright and so did the baby. I stayed in the hospital for 2 days and on Friday I went home. A week after my surgery I noticed unusual activity from Ella, she was more active than usual, but I was just happy to feel her move because she had been quiet for so long. I remember sitting there, and putting my hand on my stomach and feeling her move, and I was so filled with happiness. That weekend I didn't feel well. I wasn't sure if I was coming down with something, if it was just from my surgery or what. That went on till my next appointment on October 7, 2009. I was 21 weeks 3 days a long. My doctor was running late, and they told me I could go home, but I felt like I should stay since I wasn't feeling well. He came in really late, got out the Doppler, and couldn't find anything. A wave of fear came over me as he went to bring in the ultrasound machine. He turned it on, and as I lay on the table looking at the ceiling he said the dreaded words "I don't see the heart beating". I shot up and started crying and saying "I knew it". I was then sent off to an imaging clinic to "confirm fetal demise". This was the same place I had just been, where I had seen my baby girl alive and healthy, and now I'm here seeing her on the screen, lifeless, no heart rate. I then went back to my doctor's office. I felt like my world had come crashing down on me, my life was over.

My doctor then told me everything that we had to do, I needed to go to the hospital to be induced. Because it was just 2 days before my daughter's birthday, and he was leaving to go out of town, I decided to wait till Monday October 12th to go into the hospital. That weekend was hard, but I kept it together for my kids. I did what we already had planned, and prepared for my hospital stay. I gathered memento's and did a lot of reading and knew what I wanted to have done while I was in the hospital.

Monday night after dinner my husband drove me to the hospital. It was so hard walking into the childbirth center knowing that it was not a happy time. This was the place where I gave birth to all my children, and this was now the place I was going to have to say goodbye to my baby girl. I was brought to my room by a medical assistant who asked if this was my first baby. I told her no, and that our baby was going to be stillborn.

At 9pm my induction started with cytotec. I was given cytotec every 3 hours all night long, and all day Tuesday. It wasn't working, so Tuesday night we stopped the induction, and I was given something to sleep for the night. Wednesday morning I was given one more dose of cytotec and since it didn't work my doctor then called the University of Washington to see what their protocol was for this type of situation. My body just wasn't ready to labor. So they mixed up a special bag of really strong pitocin. I was hoping to avoid pitocin, but at this point I knew I couldn't do this much longer. They were going to give it to me for 2 hours, stop for an hour and start another bag. Soon after the 2nd bag was started I went into labor. I got my epidural and felt so much better. I wasn't really dilated much, and my husband needed to go home for something, so I told him to hurry up. Soon after he left I started to feel my contractions again and they hurt. I thought the epidural was wearing off. I got really upset because it hurt so bad, and started to cry. I then coughed and felt what I thought was my water breaking. I told the nurse, who looked and confirmed it was the baby.

Ella Grace was born on October 14, 2009 at 4pm. She weighed 8oz and was 8 1/2 inches long. She was perfect. I spent the next 19 1/2 hours with her in my room with me. Then the next day I handed her over to the nurse, never to see her again. It was the hardest moment in my entire life. No parent should ever have to go through that.

After Ella was born all I wanted was another baby, so we started to try to conceive again. On January 14, 2010 I got a positive pregnancy test. Exactly 3 months after Ella's birth. I was so happy, and scared at the same time. Things were going well. I went in for my NT scan at almost 12 weeks and the baby was perfect, very active and healthy. I had many ultrasound's since I was going to the doctor a lot. On April 2nd, just 10 days after my last doctor's appointment I went in, and it was like reliving the same day all over again, it seemed like so many things were the same as they were on October 7th. I kept telling myself that I was just imagining things. I went into the room, which just happened to be the same room I was in on October 7th, it was the first time I'd been in there since I was told Ella no longer had a heartbeat. The doctor came in, and asked how my baby was, and I said that I hoped it was fine. He wanted to know if I felt movement, but I hadn't in the last couple days. We agreed that it was still early, I was only 14 1/2 weeks a long. He got out the Doppler and couldn't find anything. Not unusual. He had been good about not using the Doppler for more than a second before giving me an ultrasound. So he brings in the ultrasound machine, and as I'm laying on the table looking up, I hear the words again "I don't see the heart beating". How can this be happening again? What did I do to deserve this? This was all I could think of. Again I was sent off to confirm fetal demise, and had to return to the office. I was sent to have a D&C on April 6th. It was Easter weekend, and again I had to go through all the motions for my kids. It was really hard.

Things didn't go well after my D&C. Three weeks later I started to hemorrhage, and was told it was normal. It went on for 12 days before I finally went to the hospital. I was told that I still had products of conception left in my uterus and I needed another D&C and 2 blood transfusions. This wasn't how I wanted to spend Mothers Day. So I was admitted and had my 2nd surgery. I was very sick. It took me a few weeks before I started to feel better. I went in for my follow up appointment and was told I had something called "subinvoloution". It's where the uterus doesn't contract back down after birth.

I was told a few weeks later that I was healthy and I could try to conceive as soon as I wanted. So we did. I never thought I'd get pregnant right away. On June 24th I found out I was pregnant again. I think I knew from the beginning that I wasn't going to be bringing my baby home. I also told myself that I'm just thinking that way because of everything that's happened. Things seemed to be going well. I was seen by my doctor very early on, at 4 weeks, and we set up an ultrasound for July 21st to confirm pregnancy. I went in on July 21st and we saw a baby, with a heartbeat. I was 7 weeks 1 day. I was told the baby looked great, everything looked normal.

The next day July 22nd, when I was blow drying my hair, I felt a gush, reached down to see what it was, and saw it was blood. I started screaming. I called my doctor's office and what are the chances that they had a major power outage and had to close. I was told to go to the hospital. I called my husband and told him that he needed to come home and take the kids to the dentist while I went to the hospital.

When I got to the ER, it seemed like I waited forever. It was so hard sitting there, bleeding and knowing I was having a miscarriage. They got me into a room, and again, I waited for a couple hours. Then the ER doctor came in and said that she read my ultrasound that I had the day before and I had a bleed behind the placenta, and I was fine. I was being sent home for a threatened miscarriage and that was it. I started to cry and said that I couldn't go home without knowing if the baby is alright. So after about another hour I got an ultrasound. I wasn't allowed to see the screen except for one time when the ultrasound tech showed me the baby's heart beating and showed me the bleed. That was it. I went back to my room and after another hour or so, I was discharged and told to do bed rest and drink a ton of water.

I saw my doctor that Tuesday and the baby had grown. It was measuring 8 weeks, the sack was round and the bleed had gotten smaller. I was told that's great news, but I wasn't out of the woods. I still had a high chance of having a miscarriage. Over the next week I still bled constantly, but it wasn't bright red and it wasn't as heavy, so I thought things were getting better.

Monday night, August 2nd, things took a turn for the worse. I started to cramp really bad. I took some Tylenol and went to bed. I kept trying to tell myself it was just the blood irritating my uterus, and I was going to be fine. The next morning, August 3rd, the cramps got worse. I felt like I was in labor. I couldn't sit, stand, lay, nothing. It felt good to sit on the toilet and that was it. It got so bad, that I called my sister and told her to come get my kids because I was having a miscarriage and I couldn't take care of them. Soon after that call, while getting my kids ready to leave, I miscarried my baby in the toilet. I got some rubber gloves and took it out. It was still inside it's water sack and I could see it floating around. I didn't know what to do, so I put it on top of some toilet paper in the waste basket and went to finish getting my kids ready. The pain was gone, but I was weak and in shock. This was my 3rd pregnancy loss in less than 10 months.