Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Jessica Paez
daughter Joslyn Marie Paez

born and died on 06.18.08

Burlington, Ontario

I found out I was pregnant on Valentine's day 2008. I remember it just like it was yesterday. My husband, Derrick, and I went to Walgreens and I got a digital test. My last period had been on January 4th and I knew I was late. I walked out of the bathroom snapping the lid back on the test and put it on some papers in the kitchen while cleaning up. After a couple minutes I glanced over at it...Pregnant! I couldn't believe it. For some reason I had a sneaking suspicion that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant, which was crazy because my cycles had always been fairly normal and I had no reason to believe that I wouldn't be able to. It was just one of those things. I never wanted anything more than to be a mother and for some reason because I wanted it so much, I knew it wouldn't come easy. I guess I was right in a way. I gave birth to our first born, a daughter, Joslyn, at 22 weeks.

I had a small spotting scare at 6 weeks pregnant. I knew I wouldn't be able to wait it out, so I went to the ER. We were living in South Carolina at the time. They ran some tests and gave me an ultrasound. We even got to hear her heartbeat. I was 6 weeks 2 days and they gave me a diagnosis of 'threatened miscarriage'. They wanted me to come back in another couple days to run more tests, to see if my numbers were going up as they should. We couldn't because we were moving to Canada in a couple days time. After we heard her heartbeat I was confident that everything would be okay. The percentage of babies with heartbeats going on to being born healthy were in our favor. It was something like over 90%.

The weeks went by fast and I started to get bigger, loving my belly, preparing little by little. At around 8-11 weeks I had a bit more spotting, but I didn't worry too much. We started thinking about names, trying to find a doctor in a new country, it was a bit stressful, but we knew we would soon be sharing our lives with a tiny bundle and that made everything worth it.

At 20 weeks we had an appointment, got to hear the heartbeat. It was in the 150's. We scheduled an ultrasound for 06.18.08. It would be on a Tuesday and the whole weekend I was completely nervous and happy. I couldn't wait to see if we were having a little boy or girl. The night before the big day I had a craving for brats and Derrick and I went to 3 different grocery stores trying to find some. :) I had gone to the bathroom at one of the stores and noticed what looked to be like more mucous plug, but I wasn't too alarmed. The same thing happened 3 weeks prior while we were visiting my husbands family in Jacksonville and everything seemed fine.

We went home. It was just like any other day. We decided to take a short nap, but I got woken up by movements that I thought were really neat. I had been feeling her for a few weeks at this point and kept wishing she would kick me harder! I loved them and wouldn't have minded feeling them all day long 24/7. I motioned for Derrick to feel them too. It was as if she was on my left side curling up into a ball. I thought it was really neat. But then I noticed a pattern, although unreliable. I grabbed my laptop and started looking into braxton hicks contractions. I learned that they can start around 20 weeks and be sporadic. I was satisfied with that and after we watched some tv, we went to bed. Tomorrow was the day we were going to find out what we were having!

Our ultrasound was scheduled for 9 am. I woke up, drank my 2 glasses of water needed and started doing my hair in the bathroom. That's when I had a strong contraction and grabbed the sink. And my water broke. A huge gush. I remember looking at my husband. We just stood there frantic, but still for a moment. I kept saying it was going to be okay. There has to be something they can do, right? We rushed out the door, me still in my pajamas. I was sent up to labor and delivery. It took my doctor over an hour to get there. I remember going to the bathroom and seeing meconium. It was such a hard moment knowing my little baby was in distress. When he arrived he checked me. Then he checked the baby on ultrasound. I was told that by miracle there was a chance that my bag of waters could reseal. I tried to carry that hope with me, but I also knew in the back of my mind it was just a matter of time.

Hours and hours later at around 2 am I started to feel contractions. I told Derrick to call the nurse, because something was happening. I was moved to a labor and delivery room. I'll never forget what I saw as they wheeled me there-a heavily pregnant woman walking the halls in her hospital gown. She was trying to move her labor along. Meanwhile I would have done anything to stop mine. It was hard to concentrate as they brought me into the room. Pictures of happy babys on the wall. Something I knew now wouldn't happen for me. Not this time.

My contractions got a bit stronger. I don't know where I got the strength with so much pain and sorrow going through my body, but I gave birth to our daughter. I'll never know for certain, but the nurses believe she was alive for just a very short time in my arms, though she never moved at all. She was one pound exactly. We named her Joslyn Marie. We wanted to hold her and spend time with her. She was beautiful. She had her daddys nose and lips. It has been over 2 years since we lost her. I continue to think about her everyday. In May of this year, I gave birth to our rainbow baby, without any scares or complications.  We named him Kai. I'll always wish I would have been able to keep them both.

Jessica can be reached at jess_paez@hotmail.com