Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Lindsay

Mom to Jackson Timothy

November 2, 2009 - February 28, 2010

Belleville, Ontario

February 15^th 2009, my boyfriend and I found out we were pregnant. I took 4 pregnancy tests just to be sure. I had only been off of the pill for less them a month so I couldn't believe it. I knew from the start that it was a boy. Even though others thought I was crazy, there was no way to convince me other wise, June 5^th we found out I was infact correct. We were going to have a boy and his name was going to be Jackson. That is my maiden name and I always swore that I would name my son that. I had a great pregnancy. The bigger my belly got the happier I was. My boyfriend and I spent 9 months reading to my belly and feeling him move and kick.

His due date was October 21^st but my stubborn boy did not make an appreance until November 2^nd. Even then they had to do a C-section to get him out. We were so happy our perfect little family. For 4 months we watched Jackson amaze us. I swear he did everything before he was suppose to, holding himself up to rolling over. While daddy was at work we took lots of pictures and videos of him doing everything. Then February 19^th everything started to change. I noticed that he wasn't eating as often and hadn't gained any weight since his 2 month check up. The doctor tested his urine for a bladder infection which came up positive. They put him on antibiotics which were starting to help, but by Wednesday of the next week we noticed he had a cold. We took him to the doctor on Friday, he told us it was just a cold and just give him tylenol for the pain and fever. Saturday my boyfriend and I were still worried, especially when he started throwing up and didn't sound any better.

We took him to the hospital, were they did a chest x-ray. The doctor noticed that his heart was enlarged and they sent us in an ambulance to a bigger hospital. Sunday morning the doctor told us that he had Broconcillitis and that a lot of infants were coming in with it and that we would only have to stay a week. We were relieved, but still wondering why no one had come to check his heart. As the day went on the doctors became more worried because his colouring wasn't right and called the heart specialist to come in and take a look at him. They were also going to admit him to the Pediactric ICU. While waiting for him to be admitted he stopped breathing. The rushed us out of the room, and sent us to a waiting area. My boyfriends family was there but my parents and sister were on their way. I don't normally pray but all of us sat and cried and prayed that God would save him. When to doctor finally came in they said that he was stable for now but he had Pediactric Myocarditis. They warned us that there were two types of medications they could give him but they might not work and that his brain was without oxygen for awhile. They came back 30 mintues later and told us that neither one of the medications were working and that we could go see him. When we went in I told him that he had to fight. He kept looking at us with his big blue eyes, and thought maybe the doctors were wrong. His blood pressure was even improving.

As they were moving him to the ICU he stopped breathing again. By the time we saw him the doctor didn't hold out much hope. Within and hour of telling us that, my little boy died in my arms. I couldn't believe it. I kept thinking that it wasn't real. I asked the doctor to let me hold him until my parents and sister came so that they could say good bye. Everyone held him and rocked him, kissed him and told him how much they loved him. No one should ever go through this. I never thought this could happen to me, now I am trying to rebuild my hope and faith. Just one day at a time.

Lindsay blogs at http://mommyrememberingjackson.blogspot.com/