Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Christy

Mom to fraternal twins Aiden (4/13/09-4/14/09) 

and Sophie (born and died 4/13/09)

Lacrosse, WI

I married my husband in August of 2006.  We wanted to start trying for a family right away, so I immediately stopped taking my oral contraceptives.  I had a suspicion I might have a little trouble in the baby-making area because my periods had always been irregular.  So we just decided we wouldn't really "try," we'd just not use protection and see what happens.  Well, because my periods were so irregular, I kept thinking I was pregnant.  I must have taken 35 pregnancy tests in the next year-each one of them saying "Not pregnant."  So by the next fall, I was ready to actually start trying.  I started to chart my temps and use Ovulation tests, reading forums online and talking to friends that had fertility issues.

A year later, we still weren't pregnant, so my doctor sent me to someone in the women's center of my hospital.  She immediately diagnosed me with PCOS (Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) after looking at me and listening to my symptoms.  She gave me one month's worth of the lowest dose of clomid and said we'd go from there.

During the month before we were to take the clomid, tragedy struck-my father-in-law passed away from cancer.  I remember being so desperate to have a baby before he left us-but it didn't happen.
When two weeks after the funeral I stared at that positive pregnancy test, I was SURE it was a gift from him.  I was SO sick in the beginning-I couldn't go anywhere because of my nausea.  A week after Christmas in 2009, I had my first transvaginal ultrasound at about 9 weeks pregnant.

I will never forget when the ultrasound tech smiled at me and said, "Well, there's two."
I replied, in all seriousness, "Two what?"
"Two babies!"

My life spun into motion.  We spent the next weeks and months saving our money, planning our future with TWO babies, laughing with our friends about how lucky we are, how hard it would be.  At 20 weeks we had an ultrasound showing two perfectly growing babies-one boy and one girl.  It was from a dream.  Our perfect family.

At 21 weeks 3 days, I got into bed, like normal.  I remember looking at the clock.  I remember what I was wearing.  I remember where my husband and dog were.  I rolled over, and I felt and heard a pop, and my water broke.  I stood up, screaming.  My husband, bless his heart-he got me in the car and we drove to the hospital.  I remember being so sad about how small my stomach was already.

The water had broken around Twin A, my girl.  The doctor said we'd deliver within a few hours.
When we didn't, they moved us to a different room and told us we'd deliver within 48 hours.
When we didn't, they were shocked.  We stayed pregnant on bedrest for exactly 2 weeks.  Since they were 23 weeks, my hospital would try to save them if they were born.

I went into labor on Easter night.  When I got to the hospital I had a very, very high temperature and a very high white blood cell count.  They said I had no choice but to deliver. They wouldn't let me stop.
My daughter Sophie lived for an entire day but her little lungs had not developed.  Aiden, who had his water the whole time was very strong and the NICU staff kept telling me he would fight this, he was "looking good."  He passed away the next day.

Sitting in a rocking chair, holding my babies as they took their last breaths broke my heart beyond belief.  Some days I can't believe that it ever happened.

Christy blogs at  http://almostamother.blogspot.com 

You can contact her at almostamother@gmail.com