Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Brandi

Asher and Noah (08.03.07)

Baby Tres (11.03.09)

Evan (05.15.10)

Jacksonville, Fl

My name is Brandi and ever since I was a little girl I have dreamed of being a mother. I met my soulmate, David, when I was just 10 years old. My cycles have never been regular, so I was fearful that it would take me an eternity to get pregnant. Because of this fear, David and I started trying to conceive before we were even married. Our journey began in September 2006. During this time my father was deathly ill and I knew I was running out of time with him. David and I ended up getting married at the foot of my dying father's hospital bed on January 13th, 2007. My father died 6 weeks later.

In January I began undergoing testing with my OB to find a cause for my absent menses. It was determined that I had PCOS. I was prescribed Clomid and took my first round in April 2007. On May 13th, 2007 (Mother's Day) I found out I was pregnant. David and I were over the moon excited. My beta numbers were high and the OB suspected twins....but several early ultrasounds showed one baby with a strong heartbeat. My pregnancy was perfect. I had no morning sickness or any symptoms to speak of other than a rapidly growing belly. I was in maternity clothes by 8 weeks and everyone was constantly joking that I was actually carrying twins.

On July 11th, 2007, David and I sat in the doctor's office anxiously awaiting our nuchal translucency scan. We were so excited to see our little bean again. At 12.3 weeks, we knew that the baby would be much more developed and we were hoping to possibly find out the gender. The ultrasound did not go as planned. The technician became very quiet during the scan and called in the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor, I was still completely oblivious to what was going on.....then he told us the news that shook me to the core. I was in fact pregnant with twins....however they were non viable conjoined twins. We were crushed and we left the office amidst a sea of tears. This type of conjoined twins had a 0% chance of viability outside of the womb. After several more ultrasounds by different doctors, the decision was made to deliver the babies to protect my health. I declined a D&C and instead opted to remain pregnant until I could be induced and give birth to my babies the way God had intended. On August 3rd, 2007 at 15.5 weeks gestation, I gave birth to our sons Asher and Noah.

Years passed, and we tried every fertility treatment known to man.....Clomid, Femara, Injectibles, IUI, IVF, Ovarian Drilling....to no avail. One last attempt at IUI in October 2009 resulted in my second pregnancy...a little bean who became known as Baby Tres (or Baby #3)....early ultrasounds indicated that the baby was not developing properly and at 7 weeks there was nothing more than fetal tissue in a gestational sac and it was determined to be a Blighted Ovum...on November 3rd, 2009, I had a D&C and officially lost my third baby.

My husband and I were distraught and decided to move forward with plans to adopt. Our Home Study was set for January 5, 2010 and things went off without a hitch. We felt so great about our decision. However, after some unexpected spotting, I took a pregnancy test on January 16th and discovered that I was pregnant without any medical assistance! A true God given miracle!

My pregnancy was perfect! No morning sickness...nothing. We found out we were expecting yet another baby boy and we named him Evan...which means God is Good. It wasn't until May 13th 2010 that my world came crashing down...again. I woke up that morning and noticed blood on the tissue after using the bathroom. I didn't panic, I figured it was nothing as I felt totally fine and had no pain whatsoever. I checked Evan's heartbeat with my doppler and everything was perfect. I felt at peace that everything was fine. David and I headed to L&D just to be sure. I was taken into a room and the OB came in shortly after to check me. It was then that I got the devastating news. I was 2cm dilated and my bag of water was bulging...our options were limited. I couldn't get a cerclage because I had already developed an infection from my membranes being exposed. I decided that I would just lie practically upside down until Evan reached viability (which was still a long 3 weeks away) I layed in that bed getting sicker by the minute. Sadly, two days later on May 15th, 2010 we were left with no choice but to deliver our sweet son at 21 weeks gestation. I am a mother of 4, yet my arms are empty.

Brandi blogs at www.icanmakeangels.blogspot.com

Brandi can be reached at brandi.mckinsey@yahoo.com