Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Bonnie
Mom to Gabriell, born into Heaven April 17, 2009 at 14 weeks

and Méliange, born with Angel wings May 21, 2010 at 18 weeks

Quebec, Canada

I am married to a wonderful man - my high school sweetheart. We started dating September 12th, 1991 and were married seven years later, September 12th, 1998. He has been my rock and I don't know where I would be without him...

We started ttc early spring of 1999. But quickly realized that it was going to be a lot harder than we had thought...I was diagnosed with PCOS and went through years of fertility treatments and IUI's.

 We were first blessed in December 2001 with a beautiful son and again in December 2004, our 2nd boy. After our 2nd was born, we decided that we didn't want to do anymore fertility treatments...it had been an emotionally hard road...but we still wanted more children. Our 3rd was our miracle boy, conceived naturally after 12 months of ttc....

Just before my 3rd was about to turn 2, we decided to try for our last - and I crossed my fingers for a little girl. After 14 months ttc, we finally got our BFP. I was so happy - I was going to be a mommy again!! We had several u/s's and everything looked great. At 13 weeks, we went in for our NT u/s and found out our baby's heart had stopped beating less than 24 hours before the scan. We were devastated - completly heartbroken. We never thought we would loose our baby. They did an amniocenthesis and I had a d+c 1 week later. All the tests came back normal. We found out he was a boy...I miss my little Gabriell every day....

Because we have such a hard time conceiving and because I "needed" to get pregnant again - we started ttc right away. My doctor assured us that I had 3 healthy pregnancies and something like this would not happen again....After 12 months ttc we had completly given up.I was trying to accept that I wouldn't be a mommy again....my heart was broken....but on our very last try - BFP....I was so excited!! Finally - finally....

My doctor knew how worried I was and decided to see me every 2 weeks and do an u/s at every visit. Everything was going well - my belly was growing quickly. When I saw my beautiful baby at my 12 week NT scan - and the baby was moving - I breathed a sigh of relief - I really am going to be a mommy again....my little life was perfect....3 beautiful boys and now my little girl on the way....

When I went in for my 18 week appointment - my world came crumbling down around me once again....there was no HB. Again, they figure the heart had stopped less than 24 hours before my appointment....This couldn't be happening to me again....not twice in a year...no.....

I was just so broken, so crushed....It was hard for me to understand how the world around me kept on turning when mine had come to a standstill.....My perfect little world....

I delivered my little girl and held her in my hands....she was so beautiful...so perfect....I will never forget that moment...The saying "Life is not measured by the number of breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away" took on a whole new meaning for me that day...

After delivering my daughter, things went downhill very fast. I hemorrhaged and went into hemorrhagic shock.I was rushed to the hospital. I fought so hard to hold on, but I knew I was slipping away...I am blessed to still be here today and to be able to hold my boys in my arms....but this does not make the pain from loosing my little girl any easier...

What I am feeling is so different this time around....last time I was in complete shock - and I walked around numb...this time it is complete sadness...just so tired and so sad...the world is turning around me and I just stand still, lost in my memories, tears rolling down my face...

Reality has set in now....my little girl is gone and she's not coming back....

And so here I am today. I so deperatly want another baby...but I must admit.....I am scared to death. I couldn't handle another loss, I can't even handle this one....

I am trying so hard to smile around my boys - not to let them see me so sad....but inside I am broken and I am having a real hard time getting back up this time...wondering if I really want to....I now know that time doesn't take away the pain, but that with time you learn to live with it and you move on....

A friend once sent me this " Never give up hope, for hope waits to be born in unlikely places, Hope is everwhere, you'll find it in the flowers, in the air, It's delivered to you by butterflies wearing different faces, When one softly brushes your cheek with a kiss, you'll know it's there...." So for now, I am trying desperatly to hold on to any ounce of hope - to not let in slip away, for without hope, we have nothing left...

I hold my babies in my heart, even though I can no longer hold them in my arms.....