Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Sarah

Mom to Avery, Lost at 4 weeks in August 2008

Lex, Lost at 8-9 weeks on January 25th, 2009

and Ryan, Lost at 5 weeks on November 16th, 2009

Louisville, Kentucky

I got married Sept 10th, 2005 to a wonderful man named Matt.  Three months later after being off birth control for only 3 weeks we found out we were pregnant. I had a wonderful pregnancy..loved everything about it actually. Didn't have any problems what-so-ever. On Aug. 27th, 2006 we were blessed with my wonderful son Noah. Life was great. When Noah was 1 1/2 we decided that we wanted to add to our happy family. So we started trying.

Since it happened so fast the 1st time I expected it to happen fast again.  It actually took us 8 months to get pregnant! I was getting so disappointed about it not happening, but when I saw those two lines on that test I was so happy. That was Monday Aug. 4, 2008. I was only 4 weeks and I knew with Noah that I had to be at least 8 weeks before you got to see the doctor so I was just going to wait to make the appointment. That Wed. the 6th I started spotting. I freaked out because I had no bleeding with Noah. So I called the Dr. and she said that spotting can be normal and to call back if it gets worse.
 

Unfortunately it got worse. So I called back and they told me that since I was so early I was most likely miscarrying. So they did blood work to see where my levels were at and of course they were low. And two weeks of blood work my levels were as if I weren't pregnant. this was devastating to me!  I felt like a I was a failure as a mother. Like somehow I had done something wrong. Everyone told me "It happened for a reason" or "something must have been wrong with the baby for that to happen"...was that suppose to make me feel better!  Because it didn't. Not at all. The Dr told me that these things happen and I could start trying again in a couple of months.
    

I was ready to start trying right away and so was Matt. On New Years Eve 2008 I found out I was pregnant again! 4 weeks along I was so excited and yet scared out of my mind too.  What if it happens again?? My husband said not to think that way and just be happy. Easier said than done. So as soon I was able to call the Dr I did. Even with the previous miscarriage they still wanted to wait to see me until I was 8 weeks along. So I made the appt.  Every day that passed without seeing blood I thanked God! Then into my 7th week I started spotting.  I was heart broken. Called the Dr and they had me come in. They did an ultrasound and I got to see and hear my little peanuts heart beat! The ultrasound tech said that seeing the heartbeat was a good sign. I was still bleeding more than the Dr liked though, but she said that their was nothing that she could really do.  That if I was going to miscarry then it would happen. I was so frustrated!  Why wasn't there something they could do! She told me that if the bleeding got worse to call her. 9 weeks on Sat Jan the 24th I left work early because I was bleeding more and cramping. That night I went to bed early.  I was so sad. I got woke up in the middle of the night with the worst pain in my stomach. Got up to go to the bathroom and GUSH blood ran down my legs. I freaked and started crying. I got myself cleaned up and went back to bed because the pain had gone away.  Then I guess they were contractions because it went on like this for a couple of hours. I was up and down constantly. I seriously thought I was going to bleed to death. In between running to the bathroom I would just lay in bed and cry. Matt would just hold me and said it would all be okay.  How was it ok? We were losing our baby! By the time I even thought to call the Dr it had started to ease up. she called me in a prescription for pain meds and wanted to see me on Monday for an ultrasound. I felt so empty. I knew my baby was gone I didn't need an ultrasound to tell me that.
    

That Monday I had my ultrasound and learned that I had not passed everything. I need a D&C. I was so frustrated at that point..Just wanted it to be all over. So they scheduled me for the D&C on Friday. The procedure itself really wasn't that bad. Had little physical pain and the recovery was nothing...I actually went out to dinner that night. It was just an emotionally exhausting experience. I went back for my check up and I was still showing a positive pregnancy test result! Really!!  I wanted to scream..wasn't that what the D&C was for??  To get rid of everything??  My Dr told me to wait a week and take another test..if it was still positive then she would have to go back in.  Thankfully it was negative when I took the test at home. The Dr told me I needed to at least give myself 3 months before we started to try again.  I was ready to try again in that 3 months,but Matt was reluctant. He said he hated to see me go through that. He didn't want me to go through it again. Bless his heart he tried his best to help me, but what can he say really to make it better...nothing. So it took us a while to actually agree on trying again.
    

On Nov. 9th, 2009 got a positive pregnancy test. Matt was really excited, but I was not going to get my hopes up.  I couldn't help thinking here we go again. Unfortunately I was right.  A couple of days later I started to bleed. Went to my Dr and had an ultrasound. Got to see my peanut. It was too early to see or hear a heartbeat, but there was my baby on the screen.  I said my goodbye. On Nov. 16th at only 5 weeks I lost our peanut. I cried all the time! I needed someone to blame and unfortunately I blamed Matt. Not that he had anything to do with it at all.  I just needed to be angry at someone for what happened to us!  I was angry at God too...How could He let this happen to our family again?  Didn't we already suffer enough?  I didn't even want to go to church.  I was angry all the time...seeing other pregnant women or someone telling me they were pregnant was like a kick to the stomach!  Not that I wasn't happy for them...But I always thought...why them?  Why not me?  Everyone said to be thankful for Noah.  I am thankful for him!  I thank God for him everyday because if it weren't for him I swear I don't know how I would survive. I love him more than life itself! But having him still doesn't help the pain and sadness that I feel over losing our babies. I have found that naming our peanuts have helped me. Brings some closure for me. My angel babies are Avery, Lex, and Ryan. I pray for them on their due dates and they dates that I lost them.  They are a part of me. It really bugs me that people don't understand that. They act like I'm not suppose to talk about them or to just move on. They are my children!  I don't care if I didn't get to see them or hold them, they are still my children and I miss them everyday!
    

I went to see a Fertility Dr and they ran a bunch of test. Nothing was wrong.  The only thing they did find was that I had a cyst and two tumors in my fallopian tube. I had surgery to have all those removed. But the Dr said that those should not have caused me to lose our babies.  It's very frustrating!  As weird as it sounds I was really hoping that they would find something wrong so I would have some sort of answer as to why this happening to our family.  The Dr said he sees no reason why we cant try again and have a successful pregnancy.  So that gives me hope! It helped with my anger too.  And just over time I have been able to let my anger go and ask God for his forgiveness. I know my angels are in His arms now.  Although I may not understand it...there is some purpose for what He has done. So for now I am taking hormones when I ovulate it's supposed to help me get and stay pregnant.  Been doing that for almost a year now.  I'm really hoping that this works because I don't know if I can handle another loss.  I just want to be pregnant so badly.  Please keep me in your prayers that this treatment works for us!! 

You can contact Sarah at sarah3974@yahoo.com