Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Heidi

Mom to Jocelyn Cristeen

January 16th, 2010

Herriman, Utah

Friday January 15th,2010, 2 days from Jocelyn's due date and four days from her scheduled delivery, started as any other day for John and I. Get up feed the kids, get dressed, John off to work and  I was to meet my mom at noon. But during that time I was having contractions, not too painful or concerned. 

As the day went on I realized late afternoon early evening that I was in the beginning stages of labor as I was having contractions every 30 minutes. I also realized that I had not felt Jocelyn move since lunch time. I shared my concern with John who asked if I wanted to call the doctor. I told him "Not yet let's and wait see what happens after the boys are in bed when she is at her most active time zone". That time went and passed without her making a move.  I also was now having contractions every 15 minutes. At this point I knew something was not right. I took a bath which always gets her moving and still nothing. That is when I told John I was going up to the hospital to make sure everything was ok and that I would call once I got there.

I prayed all the way to the hospital that everything would be ok, while feeling that my contractions were still consistent at 15 minutes apart, which had me concerned because she was in a breech position.  Once I got there they had me undress and get settled into a bed where they hooked me up to a monitor to hear the heart beat. When the nurse could not find Jocelyn's heart beat my heart sank. In my head I was thinking there has to be a mistake and she is going to be just fine. I prayed again in my heart that this is not happening and this was not happening. That is when they ordered an ultrasound to see what was really going on. Time seemed to pass very slowly. I called John to advise him that my parents are on their way to watch the kids so he could come be with me. Shortly after that my doctor came in with the ultra sound machine. He said he was at the movies and left when he got the message that I was at the hospital and why I was there. I was thankful and grateful to see him because I felt he would tell me that our baby girl was just fine. I watched on the monitor saw her little ribs where her heart should have been beating and was not. I went numb thinking this is not happening I just felt her eight hours earlier how could she be gone. I handed my cell to my doctor to have him call John because I could not. That is when parts of reality sat in and the tears began to flow.

John arrived and came to my side so our doctor could go over what our options were about delivering our sweet little girl whose heart was no longer beating. At first I was like just knock me out and do a c-section, but after some long discussion with our doctor. And praying with John, my mother, my brother Sean and his wife Natalie we chose to deliver her vaginally, which I knew would be no easy task because I am not able to have an epidural.

Jocelyn then arrived into this world asleep January 16th, 2010 at 10:37am.  She is our fourth child but our first girl. The nurse swaddled her up and gave her to me to hold and love. As Jocelyn was put into my arms for the 1^st time I could not believe how beautiful she was and how much she looked like her brother Joseph. I did not want to let her go as I kissed her little head and cried that I would not be taking her home to share with everyone. There were going to be no late night feedings, cute little dresses, and brothers fighting over her. I felt all my dreams for her shatter to thousands of little pieces. So I chose to live in that moment as though she were just sleeping and would wake soon to be fed.  Our time with her was the best and worst 24 hours of our lives. Forever in our hearts my sweet princess.

You can contact Heidi at Hfiles28@comcast.net