Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Lauren

Mom to Joshua Wayne Jr.

August 19th, 2010

Independence, Missouri

Hello, my name is Lauren. I am 27, the mother of 2 crazy kids and the wife to a wonderful supportive man, Josh.  We have been married 6 and a half years now. I had my daughter in 2005, suffered from an early miscarriage in 2007, and had my son in 2008.

 

I found out I was pregnant with our fourth baby on Sunday May the 2nd of 2010. Because of my early miscarriage and some instances of low progesterone with my son, as well as a large cyst on an ovary, I went to the Dr. that week. They drew blood work and had an ultrasound done. Everything looked great. I went in about twice a week for blood work for about 4 weeks and was eventually put on oral progesterone because it seemed that mine was slightly low. Everything was progressing great, our little baby was growing and besides some "morning sickness" I felt great.

 

On July the 11th, I worked all day, went to the store and then came home and began cooking dinner for the family. All of a sudden I felt like I had wet myself...I ran to the bathroom to discover that I was bleeding. It was very light but scared me to death. I called my Dr. and was to told to stay in bed and come in in the morning.

 

I went for an ultrasound and they found that I had a tear between the amniotic sac and the uterine lining right by the cervix. Our baby looked great and I was instructed to stay on bed rest for a month and hope that the tear would heal.

 

So that is what I did. Our families helped us tremendously along with some good friends in caring for our kids.

If I was ever up too long I began to have contractions so I was put on terbutaline to help with those as well as Progesterone injections weekly to help keep my uterus relaxed. The tear and the bleeding was causing irritation which was causing contractions...

 

We found out that we were having a little boy in the beginning of August in one of the many ultrasounds that I had done. Our little guy was very active and measuring perfectly with a strong little heart.

 

On Saturday August the 14th, and again on Monday the 16th I had two periods of bleeding occur. Up until this point I was just having some minimal spotting here and there. This was gushing.

 

I went in for an ultrasound on that Monday and all that the tech could see was what looked like a large clot where the tear had been. So, signs of bleeding, but nothing else going on, from what they could tell. So we went home and I got back into bed which had been my home since July.

 

On Thursday August the 19th around 3:30 am, I woke up with what initially felt like gas pains. I tried to use the restroom, but that didn't help. I took some terbutaline cause I noticed it started to feel more like a contraction...Around 3:50 after looking at the clock for 20 minutes, I realized that these pains were very regular, and only a few minutes apart. I called my Dr. and got one of her associates who told me to hydrate and take more terbutaline...by 5am they were 3 minutes apart so I called my Doctors cell and told her I was going to the hospital. I was 19 weeks and 3 days I believe.

 

I got my parents to pick me up and take me to the hospital. My husband didn't have any days he could take and we were not overly concerned. Since our little guy had been doing so well I honestly thought they would just hook me up to some fluids and things would calm down.

 

We got to the hospital at 6am and they got me right into a room in L&D. I gave a urine sample, they got me hooked up to monitors and started an IV. I was given a terbutaline shot and as I lay in bed, I just was enjoying listening to my little man move around like crazy on the monitor. The contractions were rather painful by this time and every minute I would say, although by this point I was not looking at the clock anymore. My parents went to make some phone calls while I waited for things to calm down.

 

Next thing I know I felt 2 pops and a gush of fluid. My water broke. I mashed on my call light as hard as I could over and over while laying there in shock. I yelled that I needed help, and finally, after what seemed like forever my wonderful nurse came in a confirmed that my water had broken...After which I cried louder than I think I ever have before...

 

My husband was on his way by this point but didn't make it to his birth...

 

Joshua Wayne Jr. was born at 7:00am August 19th, 2010. He lived only 2 minutes outside of my womb... After 3 and a half hours of contractions, he "fell" out of me...I didn't even push...I did everything I could not to.

 

He was so tiny. He was born very much alive, his little legs kicking and his little arms curled up under his chin. All I could do was hold him and look at him and cry. I felt as though my body had betrayed me and my baby.

My Dr. finally arrived when it was time to deliver the placenta, and after what felt like she was doing jumping jacks on my stomach she got it out and said that I had had an abruption.

 

I lost a lot of blood and have never felt so physically awful in my life.

 

My husband and I had not named our little man yet, but decided to name him after my husband. It was the only name that we had discussed that we both liked.

 

The staff was so good to us. They brought our little Joshua Jr. to us a few times, and we just held him and soaked in every tiny detail. They took plaster molds of his feet, and a lot of pictures and put together a sweet memory box for us.

 

The next day I received two units of blood and was told we could go home that evening. I broke down. i felt as if I was abandoning my baby. We were supposed to be taking him home with us.

 

The next few weeks are a blur. I was in bed a lot, went to the ER once because my blood count was still so low I was having trouble catching my breath.

 

My parents and in-laws took such good care of my family and myself, and let me and my husband have some time to heal.  There are so many triggers still that push that play button on what seems like a horror movie in my mind. I relive every scary and unbelievably difficult moment over and over...however, with that I see my Joshua again.

 

His due date was January 11th, 2011...So last month was extremely hard. So many of my friends are having their babies now and all I can think of is that should be me...

 

I know so many mothers out there have experienced losing a child. It is something that unless you have lived it, you have no idea the struggles that come with it.

 

My husband and I believe that our baby is in the Lord's arms, and that he is waiting for us in heaven, and that we will see him again. This brings me comfort. Although I still am dealing with anger and sorrow, I lean on my faith in Jesus to help guide me through this sad period in my life.

 

You can contact Lauren at beeler057@gmail.com