Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Krystal

Mom to Stella Grace

Stillborn at 37w 4d gestation on October 28th, 2010

Rochester, Wisconsin

Thursday Oct 28th, 2010.

I was 37weeks 4 days pregnant with our 3rd and what we were calling, our last, addition to the family. Everything was in place, planned, prepped and ready for her arrival. I had been preparing for my first natural homebirth for the last 9 months and was extremely excited for labor to begin. The entire pg was excellent, healthy and the most active baby I have ever carried. I thought for sure she was going to be a huge child and very active (that or there were 2 in there).

The day before I had my 37/38 week MW appointment and everything looked great. Baby dropped and was engaged, she was ready to join us at anytime, anyday. That afternoon my 11 year old daughter blew up the birth pool, I sanitized it and got all the HB stuff in one spot, ready to go. Baby wasn't moving as much as usual, but I figured she was just settling and getting ready to join us.
 

Thursday morning I woke up at about 4:30 am and couldn't fall back to sleep. At 5 am my husband woke up and got ready for work. He left at 6am and I decieded to get out of bed. I noticed baby hadn't moved since I woke so I started playing with my belly, still no movement. My 3 year old son woke up and started playing with the baby too....still nothing. I made coffee in hopes to get her going....nothing. I did get a shift at 7:15am when I placed my warm cup on her back. At 9 I was beyond worried and called the MW, no answer. I called the clinic, they told me they'd have the nurse call me back. @ 9:30am I talked with the nurse and she insisted I come up to the hospital and have a NST. I went up immediately after dropping the kids off at my sisters. There I met up with a friend who was due just a few days before me. We chatted for 30 mins and I was called back. The nurse had me take a urine sample then hooked me up to a doppler. Babys HB sounded great at 141. I laid back and started reading a magazine and my husband arrived. We sat for a minute listening to the sweet sound of our child's hearbeat feeling relieved she was still kickin it in there. 

Suddenly her HB dropped, then picked back up. then dropped again. The machine started alarming and hubby went to find a nurse. She came in and was instantly concerned. She called in the Dr. They tried finding the HB again and couldn't. So we were sent to L&D. We walked over with the OB and she had me change into a gown, started an IV, and hooked up the moniters again. The OB checked me and found my cervix was only 30% effaced, -3 station and 1cm dialated. Not favorable for inducton. The babys HB then again went from 140s down to 120s to 20s them 40s then gone. OB then had me sign a CS waiver. She sat with me for only a couple mins trying to find the HB, after a min. she stated that they had to do an emergency CS and I would have to be knocked out, they had no time for an epi. So off I went into surgery. This was at 11:15am.  I cried as they stripped my belly and gassed me. I prayed. I felt Stella shift just once more.....
then all went black. 

I woke up as they were pulling me off the operating table and wheeling me to recovery, I couldnt open my eyes and was in excruciating pain. I went back to sleep. Later, I remember seeing my hubby on his phone and the nurses who wouldn't even look at me. I knew something was not right and then managed to ask if the baby was ok. The nurse didn't even look at me and simply said the Dr. would be in to talk with me in a min. I closed my eyes knowing what was going to be told to me and drifted back into the black. After waking again, the Dr came in, crying to tell me that my daughter didn't make it. That they tried everything in their power to start her heart when she was born to no avail. My pastor came in and said a prayer and blessed the baby. She was born still at 11:27am on Oct 28th 2010. She was 7lbs1oz and 19inches long.

All I could do was cry. I asked God to put me back to sleep. I slept for a little while then woke to my husband sitting next to me crying. We sat and cried together.
 

It took me a long time to talk at all, even to my own husband. He shared with me the experience of our child's birth and how hard the Drs and nurses tried to revive our baby girl. How helpless he felt not beng able to do a thing for our baby and how hard it was to see me laying on the table, unaware of what was occuring, cut open and asleep with tubes coming out of every part of my body. 

After a couple of hours, when the drugs started wearing off, I felt it, pain that wasn't just physically excruciating, but emotionally crushing. My child was no longer in me, happily kicking my ribs and poking my hips. She wasnt in my arms or suckling my breasts. She was cold and alone in a seperate nursery than all the living babies. She was gone. And I was left in pain, cut open emptied and heart broken.
 

I told the nurses that I didn't want to see anyone, and to keep all visitors away. There was no one I wanted to see but my husband. After a few hours of us just sitting and crying he mentioned bringing in the baby so we could see her, name her, hold her and say our goodbyes. It took me a long time to accept that it was something that needed to be done. He went and got her and brought her in.
 

We held her, cried over her and named her. Stella Grace~ My little star in heaven. She was just perfect, so beautiful, she looked just like her older sister. Brown curly hair with tints of red, thin red lips and chubby little cheeks. Long crooked toes and huge feet. Everything about her was just perfect. She looked like she was just peacefully sleeping and that at any moment she would wake up and cry to be held to my breast. She smelt sooooo good, like the sweetest little angel, a smell I will never forget.

My husband held her, and wrapped her in a blanket, and talked to her, kissed her and told her how much we loved her and how absolutely perfect she was.

I couldnt understand how a child so perfect couldnt be living, breathing, cryng, warm. I still dont get it. There was nothing wrong with her, the placenta or the cord. She just didn't make it and we will never know why. I never wanted to let her go, but knew she was already gone, out of that perfect beautiful little body we created, that I grew inside of me to perfection for 37 weeks and 4 days.
 

Later that night we had my parents visit and our children. They went down to the nursery and held her. Our kids were strong and I am glad they had a chance to meet Stella, their little angel sister.
 

Friday was a hard day, to wake up knowing God never let me go back, as much as I prayed to go back and do it differently, to wake up with Stella still in my womb. It wasn't fair, what did I do to deserve this pain, this anguish, why didn't God have mercy on me? My child? My husband and children? How could I have had to undergo such a wretched surgery, something I dreaded the most and come out of this with no child!?! I was angry all day, and sad, and cried. My sisters visited me on Friday as well. I am glad I could see them, for they've been a huge part in helping me heal. So supportive and helpful. They brought me coffee, subway, went and cleaned my house and stocked my fridge, hid all of the newborn supplies I had stocked and ready in my bedroom in the bassinet, took my children to play with their cousins and were just there to cry with me. I thank them from the bottom of my heart for all they do. 

By Saturday I had to get strong, I am not sure how I could but, we were going home and had to plan a funeral for our little girl. We had a photographer come and take professional pics of Stella, I am hoping I can get those today. The nurses made a box of keepsakes and took pictures of Stella as well. They broght that in for me to look at. She is just so beautiful. I was wheeled out with no child, just a box of memories of a child I once carried in my womb, held once in my arms and now only get to hold in my heart. Life is not fair. 

Krystal blogs at Mystarinheavenstellagrace.blogspot.com 

You can contact her at Tinydancer_83@hotmail.com