Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Jessie

Mother to Nolan Roger Fife

August 23rd, 2010

Louisville, Kentucky

It was a wonderful Christmas present to our families. We had found out that my husband and I were expecting early in December and told our families as they were gathering around for Christmas Dinner. My husband stands up and says “Don’t mind Jessie’s full plate, she is eating for two now!” Everyone was so excited and we laughed imagining me having fun down at the lake all summer with a big ole belly.

The first trimester went as expected, lots of nausea and some vomiting. I was living off water, Gatorade, and ritz crackers. But as soon as I hit 12 weeks I felt amazingly better. 2^nd trimester went by with no problems. Everyday I would look down and watch as I slowly said goodbye to seeing my toes. In March we learned we were expecting a little boy. My husband said he didn’t care what the sex, as long as he/she was healthy. But I could tell he was so excited and proud to be having a little boy. We named him Nolan Roger Fife.

By the beginning of August I was in my 3^rd trimester and said goodbye to just about every article of my clothing. It was 95 degrees and I wore tank tops and my husband’s basketball shorts just about everywhere. The nursery was just about completed and painted in blue and red pin strips. Nolan’s clothes were all washed and folded in the drawers separated by size. My hospital bag lay packed and ready by the door. It was now August 20^th and the due date was September 1^st.

My Sister in Law had her baby shower on Sunday the 22^nd. I felt a little uncomfortable the entire day, but couldn’t quite put my finger on why. My husband was excited/nervous because he knew that little Nolan would be coming any day now. That night and into the morning I was having contractions. I woke up around 7 and knew that I would be going to the hospital soon. I took a quick shower and told my husband to do the same. With the new baby and all the visitors who knew when our next chance would be.

The trip to the hospital was uneventful. They had us sign in then told David (my husband) to wait out in the waiting room while I got into my gown and hooked up to the monitors. The contractions were getting worse and it felt like hours (but it was only 5minutes) before the nurse came in with the doppler to do the routine check for the heartbeat. At first I didn’t think much about what the nurse was doing, I was too busy concentrating on breathing through the contractions. But after a few moments of silence I thought it myself, isn’t that the doppler? Should  we be hearing something by now? I asked the nurse and she said sometimes it takes a while; maybe the baby was is a position that was making it difficult to hear the heartbeat. Then she asked when the last time I felt him was move was? I tried to think, I have been having contractions for a while and a weird feeling yesterday... but when did I remember feeling a kick? I think I remember him moving around Sunday morning, but I couldn’t be sure because now I was in full panic mode. The nurse said she is going to get the ultrasound machine just to be sure everything is all right. I asked for her to please send in my husband. My husband came in and as soon as he saw the look on my face he asked what was wrong. They can’t find a heartbeat was all I could get out. He comes to my side grabs my hand and says ‘Just have faith’ over and over again until the ultrasound machine comes into the room. They start the machine and for a fleeting second I am over joyed because I can hear a fast heartbeat, but I soon realize that it is just my own. 

Our baby boy, our Nolan, that was expected, wanted, and loved beyond measure was gone. I had done everything right. I didn’t smoke or drink, no drugs, little caffeine, no tuna fish, no unpasteurized cheese, I took my prenatal vitamins everyday. We just couldn’t understand how this could happen to us. I called my mom, she was expecting a happy call saying come meet your new grandson. But all I could choke out was, they cant find a heartbeat…he’s gone. Because of medical reasons and the fact that my hips are misaligned we went ahead for our c-section. There was no excitement in the room, the nurses looked at me with sorrow in their eyes. When the doctor got Nolan out I prayed that everything was wrong and that the room would be filled with his tiny cries, but it was silent. They wrapped him up and let us hold him. They took us to a private room to recover. My family was waiting for us there and the love in that room and the strength from the Lord and my husband was what helped me get through the worst time in my life. All the family was able to hold little Nolan and say hello and goodbye. Pictures were taken, hand prints saved, and a locket of hair treasured.

It has been over 5 months since we lost Nolan. We have since found out that he died from infection due to Group B Strep. I had tested negative for group B at my 37 week appointment. We do not know how the infection crossed into my placenta and killed my little boy. My husband and I have grown closer together and know that we will get through this. 

You can contact Jessie at Jfife@insightbb.com