Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Babs

Mom to Jack Marshall Haller

June 5th, 2007

Austin, Texas

The experience of carrying twins for six months had been extremely exciting for me.  Jack and Kate already weighed about one pound each and were starting to share their personalities in ultrasound videos. Kate was the athletic one and Jack liked to pose for perfect profile photos. They already had fingernails, hair and eyebrows. They could grip their hands, kick their feet, suck their thumbs and hear our voices. Just before flying to China for a brief work trip, my husband bought a belly band so he could place headphones on my tummy to share music with them.

While he was away, I had a routine doctor appointment. The visit started with finding their heartbeats like all the times before.  First Kate’s..........then Jack’s........wait no, that’s mine........Kate’s again......mine.......then nothing. The doctor took an ultrasound and the moment Jack appeared, it was clear that something was wrong. Kate nudged him a little and his tiny limp body moved, but he was no longer with us.

I went to see a specialist who confirmed that we would never meet our sweet baby boy.

I called my husband, but it was the middle of the night in China. How do I tell him that our son has passed away? He is all alone in a foreign country with an entire day’s flight between us. He returned my call a few hours later and we wept together. He caught the first flight home. Two weeks later my water broke, so we drove to the closest hospital. We were informed that Jack was delivering and would arrive sometime the next day. The actual delivery appeared very "normal" with my husband dressed in the “daddy scrubs” and me having contractions and actively pushing Jack out. But this was not "normal"...not the way I had dreamed.

I just remember staring at our hands as we clutched each other tightly and balled through the whole experience.  The tears were not from elated & proud parents who just delivered their first born. Ours were from grief and devastation.

He was a perfectly formed baby boy at 12 3/4 inches long. I have no memory of them taking Jack away. His footprints are now all that I have.

We made arrangements with the funeral home from my hospital bed. A teddy bear and little wooden cross accompanied him to his final resting place.

I only knew him for a short while but I am thankful for that time with him.

I can't tell you who he resembled and what his talents were but he was an amazing baby boy who presence graced my life.

I tell him frequently that I love him and miss him & that we will all be together one day. My heart aches when I think how badly I wish I could hold him and have him here now.

I'm still searching for a Bible verse or quote to provide more comfort but I was extremely moved by reading a mother's words somewhere that said, "God, I would have told my child about You. Please tell him about me."

I desperately do not want Jack to be forgotten. It has been three and a half years since I lost him and I honor his memory by supporting organizations who provide meaningful support to families like ours including *Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep* and *Hand to Hold*.

I believe that "life is not measured in length but in impact".

You can view the Haller Family Story here: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4s8ycl0i08&feature=player_embedded#

You can contact Babs at babs.haller@gmail.com